Saturday, October 24, 2009

Why my bananas smell like wet wipes

When Dr. Lady's temporary replacement (Dr. New Girl) came in to check Thomas's everything, the first words out of her mouth were "do you have any questions for me?"

We did.

Are his leg cracks OK? They look owie.
Why does he wheeze? Does he have asthma already?
Can you make the nose-puking stop? Please?
and most importantly: When is it safe to go back to church and out in public?

In short, his leg cracks are fine, he's wheezing because his throat is coated with milk and the nose-puking is something we'll have to work on.

As for church (and public), it MIGHT be safe to go to church by March or April. Of course you'll go back before then, but it's flu season and you risk disease and death.

Then she started volunteering information about just how paranoid we should be about quarantining our baby.

In short, VERY paranoid is best. No Christmas parties. No being Mormon. No kids. No touching. No breathing. Yes wet wipes. Yes hand sanitizer. Yes soap and water. No diseases.

So we left the Dr.'s office and showed him off at my office and went to Walmart. Downtown. That was stupid. 

In my defense, we needed things, and we were already halfway there. And Dr. New Girl said "don't let people touch him, that's the real concern." And we left him totally covered with a blanket in his carseat the entire time. And we didn't even touch him until we got home and washed our hands. And I just didn't want him to run out of diapers. (Did you know diapers cost like $20 for 1 package? For something he POOPS on. Literally!) And I figured that since we weren't going to stay in our house until April anyway, we may as well get out today.

While at Walmart we bought some bananas. Because they looked tasty. To Josh, not me. The triple-chocolate-fudge cake on my counter looks tasty to me. 

And when we were checking out, the world's slowest disgustingest checkout lady sneezed. Right into her hands. Then she picked up my bananas AND my bottle of Simply Orange juice and put them in a bag.

It was like the gross slow motion part of a movie. I could see all the germs running around the store SWARMING my bananas. The plastic grocery sack suddenly became a hotel for every green goblin within 50 miles. The lice jumped off the head of the guy behind us to join his creepy crawly friends in the party zone.

I gagged.

Josh paid.

The lady sanitized her hands while telling Josh - "sorry, I have to sanitize my hands because I just sneezed and I don't want to spread anything."

I somehow refrained from jumping over the bagging station and strangling her right then and there while shouting about my contaminated groceries and asking why she was the dumbest person on the planet. "YOU TOUCHED MY FOOD BETWEEN SNEEZING AND SANITIZING YOU FOOL!!! Are you stupid? Do you know nothing? Did you flunk out of kindergarten when they taught you to WASH YOUR HANDS? Are you the idiot they put up signs for in the bathrooms of restaurants reminding employees to NOT spread their bathroom germs on other people's food? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY BABY?!?!?!?!"

We were only 2 steps away when Josh and I looked at each other and shuddered.

That's why we can't leave the house until April.

And that's why my bananas smell like wet wipes.


  1. Best line: . . . . creepy crawly friends in the party zone. YUCK! I may not go anywhere anymore and my baby is almost 9!

  2. Here's to wet wipes that smell like bananas!

  3. LOL seriously, you need to be on last comic standing. LOVE IT!

    we are in the same boat. I will not be taking Ezra out for church or anything until March or April. I did the same with Brendan (he's a November Baby) but it's better to be safe than sorry. Maybe you could set up a webcam in your house so people could see Mr. T. that way.

  4. That's revolting! We're stopping today from taking Aiden to church even though he's older just cause my dad is seeing so many cases of swine flu people on vents and all that nastiness. Good choice. Because my dad does what he does it makes me crazy when people take their tiny newborns to church in the dead of winter.

  5. OK so if Thomas doesn't go to church all winter....which one of us goes inactive?

  6. You may just have to take turns being inactive every other week. My babies were born in December and January, and my pediatrician told us flat out not to bring them to church until at least March.

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  8. I must be a bad mom...I took Annabelle to church a week after having her so I could see Brianna in the primary program. lol I guess it helps that my hubby sells medical grade soap and hand

    I love love love your blog!

  9. Oh goodness Amy! You guys should have reported that cashier! That's just gross!

    We didn't have any "major illness" going around when I brought Jerimiah home and I couldn't stay (locked up) for long. In fact, we took a 24 hour road trip back to Michigan when Jerimiah was only 2 weeks old! (yes, probably stupid!)

    Good luck with trying not to get sick. Good, healthy thoughts being sent your way.

  10. That is crazy Who is this lady! Stupid stupid...well good luck Amy! We sure do miss you:)

  11. ewwwwww! Should I go inactive? Randy can't.

  12. you should write a book or just write professionally. Wish I had the gift!

  13. WHAT! You came in the office with your baby and didn't call me to come down. In a fight! We are in a fight!

  14. I thought I would like the excuse to be inactive but I was wrong. I wanted to get OUT!! Church was a great idea. Jason would go to some and I would go to the other part. If that doesn't work switch off weeks.

  15. Switch weeks, that get's my vote. YUCK to the sneezy Walmart clerk!
    Also, diapers are so expensive, I hear 'ya. Look on the bright side, you could have two in diapers! (I've been there, twice!)

  16. I am so sorry I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. First seriously try the Target brand diapers. 6 bucks for 50. They are the cheapest out there and we have very few accidents in them. My whole family swears by them. They are definatley worth a try. Also, the milk nose thing sounds like reflux. That is what we went through with Savannah. Once it was diagnosed and treated she slept better and was a MUCH better baby. The Doctor said that when it comes out the nose there is a lot of force behind there.
    P.S. Wal-mart lady=yuck.

  17. You make me laugh! You can take a bad situation and make it so funny! I need your sense of humor. Loving that about you! Hope you and your boys stay healthy. Enjoy staying home with Baby me time goes by way to fast! You are an amazing mom. Don't motto is "One day at a time"...somedays it is one minute or second at a time :) xoxo


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