and then I cried......again

Remember when Jamie & Cameron moved? Remember how we did everything together? Baby blessings. Baby births. Pumpkin carving. Cards and games. Barbecues. Camping. And a million other things I never bothered to blog.

There aren't really words to express exactly how I feel about Jamie. When they moved I was fairly certain my life was over because I'd never successfully lived as a grown-up without her. What if I was only capable of it because she was right there with me in every big step? What if she left and I shriveled up and died? What if I never left my house and became unsocial crazy plant lady - wait....that might have happened......

I knew it was going to be a good evening when I stopped at the mailbox (with my ginormous slurpee in hand) and saw this beauty sitting there.

That's when I started to cry - because I miss Jamie. I miss her handwriting on my whiteboard. I miss doing things with her, I miss calling on a Sunday and saying "we have extra potatoes, wanna come over?" and her saying "heck yes I do!". I miss her knowing everything there is to know. I miss her helping me want to be a better person. I miss doing mom things with her because I don't have a baby of my own. I miss Cameron and Josh taking turns doing flips onto the love sac. I miss making cute things and beautiful food. I miss having that friend who is exactly where I am (even though she isn't...), and who understands my every thought. I miss her music, her laugh, and our parties. I just miss Jamie.

Then we got home and I opened the package which contained...

These beautiful scrapbook layout pages.

This soft and smooky blanket (with no creepy faces), and one of my favorite children's books.

...and then I cried again.

This is the essence of Jamie. I'm not good at scrapbooking, but I desperately wish I was.  She is good at all things crafty and beautifying anything. I love that about her. She always helped me be more creative and didn't make fun when I wasn't good at it. Since she isn't here to help me make something beautiful for my baby, she just did all the hard work so all I have to do is stick the pictures on it! There couldn't be a better gift for someone like me. Truly.

It breaks my heart that they live so far away, but I know that no matter how far apart we live and no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other Jamie and I will always be the very best of friends. That's because I am just that lucky.

smells delicious

I'm a sucker for a really great smell.....the basics you know?

Fresh baked bread.
Josh's cologne.
Water.
Rain.
Homemade cookies.
My Daddy.
The mountains.
Stale campfire smoke.

I could go on all day really, but I won't. Because this is a story about Garret. But I am interested, what are your favorite smells?

My 9 year old nephew was sitting on Josh's lap wrestling today. After a particularly rough game of I can hold your hands longer/tighter/tougher than you can hold mine he let go and said "oh great, now my hands smell like sweat" to which I replied, "yummy! Josh-sweat, now you smell like my husband!"

Garret's voice was thick with sarcasm. "Oh yeah. great. Josh-sweat." then he paused to think about it and informed me, "actually he smells great because he wears deodorant!" and attempted to bury his nose in Josh's armpits.

Little boys are awesome.

Thank you Montana

Dad Reilley has been planning a trip to hike Kings Peak with the boys in his ward for about 3 or 4 months. He invited Josh to go and Josh was thrilled about the trip.

He couldn't wait to get out and rough it with the boys and he couldn't wait to do a real hike that would be hard and fun and I'm sure he couldn't wait to walk up the side of a mountain without hearing "stay away from the edge please! My baby needs a daddy!" (It's a wonder this man is still married to me.....)

Then Montana happened.

Since we thought Josh would probably be interviewing with corporate sometime this week and we would probably be using his vacation time to move to Motana - he bailed on the Kings Peak trip as of last week.

If nothing else comes of this Montana business, at least it kept him from going on the hike, having a major asthma attack with no supplies, no Dr., and no concerned wife to notice he wasn't breathing (heaven forbid he mention it to a man.....) leaving him stranded on the top of a mountain somewhere not breathing.

It could have (and would have) been so much worse.

So, even if nothing comes of this Montana business, at least it kept my husband at home where I could take care of him and he could have the medication and machines that he needs in order to keep him alive. Because my baby needs a daddy with air in his lungs.

Asthma Attacks

Josh has asthma. He's always had asthma. His mom tells me horrible stories about terrifying "my baby isn't breathing" experiences.

Also Josh is a Reilley at heart. Technically he's an Egbert, but he was raised 99% Reilley and is more like his Reilley-Dad than anybody else (I tell him all the time that "it must be genetic" when he does something exactly like Frank does it. He used to get confused and remind me that he has none of his Dad's genes. Now he just smiles and laughs because we both know that he has inherited pretty much everything he knows/does from his Reilley-Dad.) That means he works hard and plays harder. He doesn't believe in getting sick or tired and if the sun is up, he can't think of 1 good reason not to go do something.

Saturday was one of these "work hard and play harder" days. We'd been up since about 5:30, went Redboxing on our way to Lindon, where he dropped me off to prepare for the shower then went to my sister's house with the rest of the men in the family to help them get yardwork done.

By the time I saw him at 3:00 I could tell it wasn't pretty. Everybody was tired and sunburned, but Josh had kinda lost his color and I could hear him breathing wheezing over the noise of the kids from the next room.

I asked if he was OK, he said he'd taken his inhaler a lot, but now that he wasn't out in the weeds and pollen anymore he was sure he'd be fine. Note: Josh always thinks he's fine. I always think he's not. Sometimes he's right, and sometimes I'm right. I'm still not sure how to tell who is right which times. But this time I knew I was.

Somehow the boys won the movie discussion and Clint, Randy, Nate, Josh & I went to see Transformers. I left in the middle of the movie to go get Josh's inhaler since he (still) wasn't breathing and those oversized robot cars were (still) just fighting in the desert.

Immediately after the movie we raced home and discussed what we were going to do if we didn't have any Albuterol left over from the last time he was this bad.  Which brings me to my story:

The first year we were married I planned a big fat trip for New Years/Josh's birthday that Josh didn't know about. I talked to his boss and got him the time off work, I bought the tickets and booked the hotel, I even contacted a family from his mission to see if we could visit while we were in Portland. I hid all of the money on my credit card (which we never used) so he wouldn't notice the chunk of funds missing. I smuggled $50/paycheck into an account to pay off the credit card. And I didn't even spill the beans during the Sunday School lesson about things we should not use credit cards for (and Josh's first answer was vacations). I did a really great job planning this enormous surprise.

Even the details were taken care of. I was going to pack everything we'd need and the morning our flight left I would just tell him I didn't feel like going to work and we should go on vacation instead. He'd be so excited when I told him we were going back to Portland and that the whole thing was booked and taken care of. He was going to know I was the world's greatest wife (and never forget it).

Instead the week started with a major asthma attack. After trying to get it under control with just an inhaler, and after talking to Mom-Reilley we finally just went to the ER. He couldn't figure out why I wasn't willing to wait another day or 2 to see if he just got better. I couldn't decide whether or not to tell him we were leaving the state in a day or 2 and I needed him to be breathing in order to get through airport security.

When we got there they tested his oxygen levels in the waiting room to see how serious it was. He was not as low as he could've been (remember though that we were in the ER.....of course it wasn't as bad as it could've been he was still in one piece and he arrived in his own vehicle!) and we were in a room within 20 minutes. Which seemed fast.....considering how "not that big a deal" it was.

They started him on a breathing treatment and told him if he was gonna do this again he should really just buy a Nebulizer because it's cheaper (and faster) than a visit to the ER. He told the Dr. he had one, he just hadn't had to use it in a long time and had no medicine to put in it. The Dr. wrote the prescription for the drugs and they kept him for a few more hours....just to keep an eye on him.

I watched a lot of animal planet because as he would come in and out of sleep he'd change the channel to "something interesting" instead of whatever I would have watched.

One of the times the Dr. came in he told us "Just so you know, if you hear us talking about the SOB in room 9 that's you." Then he paused to laugh at his joke....and filled us in "SOB stands for Shortness Of Breath though....so don't be offended."  We all laughed.

Josh asked if he could take home the peace pipe he used on their machine to use on his Nebulizer - they gave us strict instructions to get the medication for it right away and to clean it properly between each use. Then they told us to talk to our regular Dr. (who didn't exist) about a more permanent solution if he was using it regularly.

After our vacation (which we still went on.....while both of us had a horrible stomach flu....we got the next day) we found a Dr. who prescribed more inhalers and told him not to do things that made it so he couldn't breath. Thank you Dr. Lady for sharing your brilliance with us.

That was the last time he went to any kind of Dr. for anything.

Since we were both so sick during our big vacation, all of our pictures look like this:

and we spent New Years Eve somewhere between the bed and the bathroom in our hotel. We woke up at 1:30 and kissed Happy New Year and fell back asleep.

I know you don't get the flu from an asthma attack, but I still lump the horrible sickness on that vacation with the trip to the ER that started our week.

Fortunately this time we had the leftover medication, but we (again) have no Dr. (we've moved and it's been 2.5 years since we saw her anyway) and are really hoping that someone will see him this week to give him more drugs.

I understand why it's necessary, but really hate that they hold you hostage for your medication.  Josh doesn't actually need a Dr. to tell him to "not do things that make it so you can't breathe" (he has a wife for that) before giving him an inhaler that he's been using since before he can remember.  I didn't need a Dr. to examine my pelvic area and tell me that I could get STDs if I had sex before renewing my prescription for birth control.....but for some reason these Dr.'s needed to say these words to us before handing either of us the valuable slip of paper.

Anybody know a great Dr. in the area? Good = one with a prescription pad....

One thing I love about 9am church....

Is that I'm getting ready to crawl back into bed (for the 3rd time today) while some of you are longing to sing your rest hymn right now.

Ha ha....suckers!

Clark Planetarium and Rainbows

Friday night we went out with Josh's old mission companion and his girlfriend. We went to see a 3D movie at Clark Planetarium. 

It was about bugs.

The kind with a lot of legs.

The kind that eat each other (praying mantises are MEAN!)

The kind that squirm and crawl and give you the heebie jeebies.

The kind that mate.

What kind of person thought "hey, let's make a movie about creepy-crawlies and then make it 3D so everyone can feel the bugs crawling on them for the rest of the night? Then we'll call it educational so everybody brings their kids to it!" I don't know who it was, but that dude is RICH.

(I had to take a picture of the bug glasses - partly to offer proof to Josh that "we do too do things!")

That movie was so freakin' awesome. Only one totally disturbing view of a praying mantis eating a fly....close up.....in his face....and a couple of mating scenes which were really not disturbing at all. Did I mention that it was 3D? No? It was.

Somehow nobody really screamed - and no babies cried, and nobody walked out early. So probably the kids weren't as disturbed as I was. In fact, I can see the boys in the audience thinking that was really cool....blood and guts and all.

After the movie (and playing with all the cool toys for a LONG time) we had dinner, and came home.  During dinner was this incredible rainstorm. The sky was beautiful, the air smelled good, the thunder rumbled clear from my toes to my shoulders, the lightening lit up the whole sky, and the raindrops were HUGE.

I've never seen a photo of a rainbow look even CLOSE to as cool as the rainbow in real life.....so don't knock the lack of photography skills....

The rainbow that followed was huge and you could see the entire thing. It arched over the whole sky, was THICK and had a shadow rainbow friend following it.

I love rain, I love rainbows. It was a great Friday night.

I can't believe I missed that!

Dear Aundrea,

Going into the weekend I knew it would be busy. I had a lot of stuff planned and a lot of obligations. But only 2 things I really wanted to do.

1. Baby shower.
2. Biggest graduation party of the century.

Wanna know what happened instead?

Mission companion bondage - check.
Redboxing - check.
Baby shower - check.
Transformers with all the guys in the family - check.
Josh's major asthma attack and threatened trip to the ER - wait, that wasn't on my list.

We raced from Utah County, waved at West Jordan as we flew past on the freeway (90-what in a construction zone?) so he could start his breathing treatment......and hopefully avoid a trip to the ER. We'll see how it goes in the morning.....

So, please don't think we didn't want to come (we did) or that I made up a big excuse to avoid social interaction (I didn't, although it sounds like me) or that I don't care that Spencer & Bri graduated (I do).

I hope that the party was ENORMOUS, and cool and fun and stress-free and that you somehow get an opportunity to nap tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about the great time I missed out on.

Please forgive me?

Love,
Amy

Montana.....or not?

I'm bad at making decisions. Really bad at it. I stress, I panic, I can't function or focus or concentrate. I avoid all intellectually stimulating conversations, projects, and situations because I'm afraid if I think my brain will explode.

Once the decision is made, I'm fine. But until that happens I'm freaking out.

We had decided.

We were going to Montana.

Then Regional Manager started singing a whole different song.

"Please come to Montana and love it so you can stay forever because I need you here." turned into "Glad you enjoyed your time there. Feel free to apply for the position and we'll see who HR and Corporate like best."

So suddenly instead of aching and crying, praying and thinking, stressing and weighing our options; it has nothing to do with us or what we think, we're totally out of control and at the mercy of Corporate.

Josh has officially applied for the position and I guess now we just wait and see what happens.

As I was telling a co-worker we're wherever is before "square 1" in the decision process. "Ground zero?" she offered.  Yes Tahnee. Ground zero is precisely where we are. And it's not a happy place.

23 weeks

Tuesday was my 23 week mark.

Wanna know what that means?

Baby can hear loud noises like the vacuum cleaner or dog barking which is good because he'll get used to them and they won’t faze him later.  That means nothing to me because I don't vacuum and don't have a dog. Josh and I made a deal before we got married. He doesn't do vomit. I don't do floors. I thought it was a good deal at the time because floors because normally floors happen more often than vomit.......not lately.


There is a whole pound (and almost a foot) of baby swimming around in there all day every day! I only feel him every once in a while, but hopefully that's about to change.....In the meantime I'm assuming that he's growing, learning, and becoming everything he should be. 

The weekly update pictures makes him look like a tiny little old man - in a creepy way. I keep feeling some body part sticking out of my belly. I keep poking it hard to feel the whole outline of it - how hard is his skull right now? I'm not going to do any permanent damage poking around am I?

Meanwhile, I’m swelling (farewell beautiful wedding ring), retaining water, wearing my carpal tunnel braces, dealing with constant heartburn, the inability to sleep, and yes. still puking…..pregnancy is an amazing gift.

Kicking vs. swimming

I know you’re not supposed to compare, and I know that just because I’m not exactly the same as the people around me who are pregnant (and due within a week or 2 of me) doesn’t mean my baby is broken, and it doesn’t mean that something’s wrong, but I’m still comparing and feeling behind in this whole pregnancy process.

While Nancy is being beat up by her sweet fetus, and Ashley’s husband can feel the baby all the time, and the other Ashley has the cutest pregnant tummy I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, I get excited if I feel the flutter once a week. Josh humors me when I tell him to push on the hard lump in my tummy or feel my heartbeat on my stomach instead of my chest but really I don’t know if he can feel anything. He certainly can't feel the baby move. And my tummy still just looks like my tummy and not really pregnant – but my regular pants did start to feel a little tight on this trip. If I’m being honest I’d blame that on the trips to Wendy’s more than the baby, but if I’m being my regular rational Pregnant Lady self (and I am) it’s all about Baby Thomas.

Then suddenly after a nice big slice of my mom’s homemade blueberry pie, out of nowhere this baby grew real limbs. And he figured out how to use them.

The first feelings of a “flutter” are the kind of thing I could clearly feel, but it took a minute to tell if it was an emotion or a physical feeling. Kindof like being nervous, or excited, but clearly something you could feel. This, however, was different. A punch, or kick, or head butt, or knee, or elbow straight from the inside out. It was short, and fast, and all alone. No flurry of kicking or bouncing. Not even a series of “flutters” followed, but it was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever felt.

I couldn’t take my hand off my tummy because if he did it again I wanted to try to feel it from the outside. He didn’t. And still hasn’t. It’s been almost 2 full days and I’ve felt nothing like it again. Which makes m wonder – was that wishful thinking? Did I make it up? If I did feel it and I haven’t since, is that bad? Does that mean something is wrong? I don’t feel him often, I never have....so I suppose it's normal for me, but not normal for anybody else - and that freaks me out a little.

A lose-lose situation.

Sometimes Josh and I disagree about the things we should do.

For example, the man actually believes that buying a kayak right now (in our current home and situation) would be a good idea. I think there are very few things that would be less practical to purchase given that we are about to have a baby (where exactly does one put a baby while kayaking?), we have nowhere to store a kayak (can we say 1 car garage?), nowhere to use a kayak (we live in the dessert!), and have no extra money (for things like kayas, but plenty of extra money for things like baby clothes).  This happens to be a disagreement that I am currently winning. We'll see how long that lasts.

Perhaps a better example would be my constant NEED desire to eat at Subway and his constant desire to eat at……NOT Subway.

Usually one of us doesn’t really care that much and gives in. But every once in a while (because we’re grownups) we respectfully agree to disagree and compromise (say it with me class “com-pro-mise”). Because…well….that way nobody gets what they want. It’s what we call a “lose-lose situation”.

Instead of choosing between Subway, which sounds good to me, and Taco Bell, which sounds good to Josh, we go to Panda Express, which sounds good to nobody. See how great that works?

The thing is this concept works for everything:

I want to watch a chick flick, he wants an action movie. We watch Paul Blart. Lose-lose.

I want to take a nap, he wants to do laundry. He plays Zelda while I read blogs. That way we’re tired, with no clean clothes. Lose-lose.

He wants to spend less money on baby stuff. I want some nice stuff for Baby. We’ll probably wind up spending a lot of money on un-nice stuff. Lose-lose.

And that my friends, is the secret to a long and happy marriage. A lose-lose situation, also known as compromise. 

Home Sweet Home

There are a lot of things I missed while I was gone. A lot.

• My pouf. I take my own soap and shampoo to hotels, but I don't take the pouf because it makes everything slimey since it takes forever to dry. I missed the good lather that you just can't get with a washcloth.
• Good smelling liquid handsoap. I hate bar soap. And I hate gas station soap.
• Lack of necessary toilet seat covers.
• Cooking. In my kitchen. (Who would've thought huh?)
• The Love Sac.
• My pansies.
• My tomato plant grew from the 2nd rung of it's cage to the very top! It's huge. And today it smells like tomatoes. I missed that.
• My baby falcons. They grew so much while I was gone!
• The smell (and shape) of my pillows.
• Radio stations I've heard of.
• Internet all day long.
• My big cups of ice water.
• Work. Karleen's giggle (it comes with finger drumming too), Aundrea's laugh, Mark's giddy smile (his daughter got married, I know he had a giddy smile), Tahnee & Tayler's constant bickering......I may never get over missing all of that.

What did I not miss? Nylons.

There's just no place like home and I'm glad to be back.

putting that on my faith shelf

Yesterday Josh and I were sitting in the Pizza Hut parking lot in Missoula talking about "when we live here we can ______" and all of a sudden I looked at him and said "wait. Did we just make a decision? Are we officially gonna go for this?" and he looked at me and smiled and said "kinda sounds like it huh?" and that was the moment the official decision was made. It's a very refined process. I know.

We spent the rest of the day talking about what that means. Our to-do list just grew 10 miles long what with all the packing, moving, and changing. We talked about how much we'd miss our families. We talked about how if we stayed too long Baby Thomas might have to attend "Hellgate Elementary" (dead serious...and what I wanna know is what is their mascot? Satan? Gooooo Satans!!!!" teaching the premortal life experience might be harder with this one....) We talked about getting stuff out of our house to get it ready to rent (or sell). With nothing to do all day but drive around and talk, we pretty much covered it all.

Then we started looking for places to rent. Josh needs a garage, so an apartment probably won't work. Plus we sorta feel like we need to bail somebody out who is trying to rent out their townhome so we can rent out ours. Pay It Forward....in reverse. So, we drove around looking for "for rent" signs and calling on them. Not the most efficient way to get things done....but we got to know "the hill" verses "down in the city" really well.

The hardest part of the whole thing is having faith that the situation with our townhome will work out. Whether that means getting it rented (or sold) right away (please oh please!) or carrying it, totally depleting our savings and teaching us a lesson on being prepared and being humble (and probably a major lesson in budgeting).

Misty has a phrase for situations like this, "I'm just gonna have to put that one on my faith shelf for a while...." and I suppose that's right where we are. Standing under the faith shelf trying to reach high enough to stick stuff on it, I hope we grow tall enough to put things there - otherwise we'll have to find a ladder.

On travelling with Josh

Really I think he made a deal with someone to try to prepare me for travelling with a 5 year old.

• I started to sneeze at lunch today....he put the pepper shaker under my nose.
• I tried to take a beautiful picture at Glacier National Park.....he stuck his tongue out and refused to smile.
• He wakes up at 5am. He swears it's because he's not tired....but at 7 he's taking a "nap".
• He rode the waterslide at our last hotel 5 times in a row coming up from the freezing water sputtering shivering and smiling every single time....and called me a sissy when I pointed to the "pregnant women should not use this ride" sign.
• He thinks everything is a toy.....every elevator button included.
• He collects free-stuff.....doesn't matter what it is. Gatorade powder, pamphlets on what to do in Montana, "to go" menus, hotel soaps, cookies, coffee cups (with the cool lids), pretty much anything he can get his hands on. When I remind him we don't need (or want) any of that garbage, he looks at me all cute and says "but it's free!"

Hotel Living

We checked into the Staybridge Hotel in Missoula on Monday night.

It was beautiful. Lovely. Of good report. And yes, even praisworthy. There's a kitchen area with full fridge, microwave, stove top, dishes and dishwasher. It's new and clean and beautiful and inviting and that scratchy hotel bedspread is nowhere to be found. We were happy.

Then we went somewhere else, paid a little more, got a little less.

Then we went somewhere else, paid even MORE and got even LESS.

Tonight we're back at the Staybridge because...well....why would we go anywhere else?

Only now we're those high maintenance people.
We paid with 3 different gift cards.
We needed to use the computers to scan a document and it didn't work, so we asked for help.
We didn't feel like going out for dinner so we asked what frozen food we could buy from them.
We wanted to watch a movie, so instead of going to Redbox we borrowed one from them. Josh and I stood there for like 10 minutes trying to decide what to watch. Now we're watching something about General Patten on the History Channel.
I had an unplanned vomit incident just as we were leaving last time. (Do they leave notes in your file for that kind of thing? I hope not....that's embarrasing.) I did the best I could to clean it up, but really.....there just aren't appropriate supplies for that kind of thing. (PS Free laundry facilities in a hotel might be the best invention ever.)
So far we've been here exactly 2.5 hours and I've talked to the nice front desk people about 10 times.....they're always nice, but I have to wonder, how bad do they hate me in real life? Do I walk away and they look at each other and go "what? did she really just ask for _______?" Cuz sometimes I hang up the phone at work and say those exact words to Aundrea.

Have you ever worked at a Hotel? Do you know what is normal and what is not (we never make the bed....or even fold our used towels, just leave them all in a pile in the bathroom)? Can you tell me if they put notes on our name that say "these people paid with 3 gift cards and puked all over the bathroom before leaving."? Do they think we're as annoying as I think we are?

On travelling with a child....

The thing is that Baby Thomas thinks we should eat. A lot. All day long. I didn't notice how much he eats before because it wasn't a big deal. Pack some crackers, yogurt, string cheese, apples, etc and snack all day long at my desk? No problem.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere Montana with nothing but wheat thins and a half bottle of lukewarm water in the car? Problem.

On the way home from work and realize that if there is not food being digested within 90 seconds (preferrably less) someone is probably going to die? No problem. Subway is around the corner. Josh asks if we can drive the 2 more blocks to our house and get something there and is met with the totally rational pregnant lady response. "Are you kidding me? I've been growing this baby for you for 5 months! 5 months of miserable sick tired grouchy horribleness and you won't sacrifice 2 minutes of your time to drive through at the Subway which is exactly .1 miles 'out of our way' because you'd rather save $3?!?!?! NO! I. CAN. NOT. WAIT!!! TURN LEFT NOW!" Not  a problem. We turn left, drive through at Subway and the entire sandwhich is being digested by the time we get home 2.5 blocks away.

Transport us 600 miles North, plant us in the middle of a beautiful canyon with not even a sign telling how far the next city is for 45 miles. Add in the fact that the next 'city' consists of 1 stop sign, 1 gas station (at 3-freaking-dollars/gallon) and a sign indicating the next city is still 129 miles ahead and we have ourselves a big problem.

Josh keeps saying things like "I eat a lot more when I'm around you" and "Really? You're already hungry? Didn't we just eat breakfast?" and "please not Subway again." But ultimately gives me what I need.

The man is a saint. He really is. so far we've had Subway once or twice, Wendy's 4 times, and only 1 incident involving "scary meat" (Jamie and Chels? I have a bone to pick with you involving Safeway Chinese....not as good as you said). Plus he's driven the entire time, and I've slept....well.....a lot.

Turns out that travelling with a child is not the same as travelling with a reasonable rational grown up who is capable of making logical decisions. I guess I can't say that definitively because I've always been on my trips....and let's be honest, "reasonable rational grown up" is probably not the best way to describe the joy that is Amy Egbert.
Turns out travelling with a child adds an hour to any road trip any time any where.
Turns out travelling with a child means less time in hotel hot tubs and swimming pools and more time evaluating the difference between the "firm" pillows and the "soft" pillows. In case you were wondering, there is no difference. Not even a little. Believe me. I've evaluated.

I can't imagine travelling with a child capable of using it's limbs, vocal cords, and free will......heaven help me.

More on Montana

So far the difference between Montana and Utah is in that all of the churches in Utah have been replaced with Casinos and Liquor Stores. I'm not kidding when I tell you that there were 2 casinos and 2 liquor stores all on one block in Missoula. (Which incidentally has been our favorite place to stay...)
Our first day was in Missoula with zero machine repairs and mostly just driving around and enjoying the beautiful area. Monday night we were ready to list our home for sale and move by the end of the week. We both loved it, it was comfortable, beautiful, and we were sure we could easily get used to this.

Tuesday we drove to Hamilton and Helena. the drives were nice, the machines were easy to fix and still the state was beautiful. We actually talked to Regional Manager in the early afternoon and told him that the only thing we still had concerns about was our house and what to do with it. That was true.

We went to St. Helen's Cathedral (so beautiful!), and the capitol building and spend the night in Helena.

We got all excited on Wednesday because we were sent to Kalispell which meant we could drive by Flathead Lake (which is apparently the most beautiful place on the planet). So, we left early(ish) and headed North for 5.5 hours. Between the construction, my constant need to pee, and Josh's desire to stop at every single indian stuff gift store/museum we added about an hour and a half to the drive.

Somehow during that drive the magic was lost. We started to get nervous about long days and long drives. We started thinking about what it really means to leave Utah. We started to wonder if Montana was really the place for us. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's a promotion. Yes, it would be good for us to be away. But really? Is this how we should spend our days (and nights)? Should we commit to this when there are so many unknowns?

That excited feeling we've been praying for (if it was right) was missing. It wasn't exciting, it was just work. It wasn't fun, it was just a long drive in the mountains (which we have in Utah too). It was just.....Montana.

So, here we are. Halfway through the week with 1 "getting here" day (which doesn't count), 1 great "I wanna move here tomorrow" day, and 1 "meh....let's just stay home where it's just as pretty and a lot less hassle" day.

Today it looks like there may be a 7 hour drive through the "ugly part of the state", which I think might break the tie in a bad way.

I'm still coming back to the same problem I always have when making big decisions. When we hit the lull, the "maybe this isn't it" feeling, is that the Spirit saying "run! run the other way!" or is that a "trial of our faith" or is that based completely on other factors (i.e. it's hotter, less rain, the hotels are getting worse, and the vacation is over and the work has begun)?

It's not like I think you shouldn't take a job if it doesn't feel like vacation every day - work is work - but if Josh is already stir crazy driving all day every day (and it's only been 3 days) is it reasonable to believe this is a job he would enjoy?

Yesterday for the first time since we found out about this opportunity I actually believed the line "nothing is decided yet, we may get up there and hate it" that I've been giving all the people who would miss us if we left (gramma's mostly).

No matter what happens I'm glad we came so we could make an educated decision. I just hate having to be responsible for that decision.....don't you think a grown-up should do it for me? Mommy? Are you out there?

We're he-re!

We got up early this morning and headed for Montana and I gotta say, so far there's nothing not to love.

Other than the fact that my right butt cheek keeps falling asleep. Did you know it's possible to sleep for 90% of the drive from North Salt Lake to Dillon, Montana? It is.

Some fun discoveries so far include the Wendy's in Blackfoot Idaho - which is open at 8:30am but does NOT serve breakfast. (ha ha! Gotcha!) But...since we'd been up for 4 hours already, we figured it was appropriate to eat chicken nuggets and buffalo wings anyway. Also the world's nicest man lives in that Wendy's and will not mock you for eating said buffalo wings for breakfast.

In Dillon we went to the Beaverhead County Museum which was cooler than you think it was and ate at Subway where we saw 3 men in cowboy hats, 4 families eating after the t-ball game and heard one man say to another "it's raining, must be a good day!" (in a cheerful chipper non-sarcastic voice) Plus it was "free cookie day".

Probably the fact that I'm still in my pajamas wearing road trip clothes and listening to the rain beat down on the windshield in perfect rhythm with the squeak of the windshield wipers while driving on the virtually abandoned freeways through the mountains and forests has nothing to do with the fact that I love this state!

Stay tuned: you just might get a "guide to every public restroom between Salt Lake and Great Falls".....or pictures of Josh sitting on a 100 year old saddle in a museum.

Sometimes it just comes.

Yesterday I spent 4 or 5 hours in the afternoon beating my head against the wall trying to put together my lesson on "The Power of Forgiving" for some reason the thing just wasn't coming together and I couldn't focus or clear my mind at all.

After my 3rd major breakdown Josh said he thought I should take a break and we should go get ice cream. So we did.

Then we remembered we needed to hit the grocery store before Sunday for road trip food and our contributions to Sunday dinner. While we were at the store we saw Diana Johnson who just might be the greatest woman in the entire world. As we talked to her it came up that she was teaching Sunday School today and I was teaching Relief Society. She asked how it was coming along and I told her I was really struggling with it. She said she was sure it would come together and that she thinks I'm a good teacher and we talked a bit more about each of our lessons.

To be honest I'm shocked I didn't start bawling and use the produce bag as a tissue (gross!), and probably the only reason is that I had no more liquid left in my body. I had just finished crying out breakdown #4 in the parking lot.

When we got home I went back to work on the lesson and it started to fall together really easily. Within 30 minutes I was finished and ready to do my "run through". I love her for being positive and encouraging and opening my mind so I could finish preparing. She is an amazing woman.

Our practice hymn included the sweet testimony of our incredible chorister and I'm so thankful that she shared the things she did. Somehow our lively discussion of the softball game (or lack thereof...I'm still not really clear on that) ended and everybody focused back in on the spirit. Lauren shared her testimony and we sang together to set the tone for the lesson.

I'm pretty sure I killed that beautiful tone within 10 seconds of standing up but the women in our ward brought it right back with the discussion. People commented, shared, and expressed their feelings. They were kind and considerate, insightful and helpful. Every month I plan a 25 minute lesson and only have to share 10 minutes of my own material because they are so willing to move the lesson forward.

After the meeting ended a few people came up to chat with me. Some who are moving (and I'll miss them) and some who are concerned about me moving (and I'll miss them too....if given the opportunity).

Today I totally felt like I belong in this ward. I felt connected to the people there, I smiled and those who had just come back for their first week with their new babies and I knew who they were and even their babies names! I was excited to see them and congratulate them on their new arrivals.

I knew the names of nearly all the people who commented (but I still feel stupid calling them by their names because what if I just THINK I know them, and I really don't? I'm paranoid, so I point. Sorry, I know it's rude.) and I felt like I knew where they were coming from. I felt connected to the people in our ward and I really really liked it.

I love feeling like I belong. I love feeling like I know people and they know me. I love our ward for their comments, their kindness, and their acceptance of me.

Mostly I love the days/moments when it feels like everything just comes. Sometimes the spirit doesn't hold back but not in an "in your face make you cry because your testimony is so strong" way. Just in an "everything is going well" way. The lesson falls into place in half an hour. The comments are poured out during the lesson. The Sunday School lesson means something to me. The talks in Sacrament Meeting are powerful and inspiring. The music is touching. I feel loved by those around me. Every once in a while, there are REALLY great days at church, and today was one of those days.

I love it when everything just comes.

Going to Montana?

It's been a bit of a whirlwind this week. Every once in a while life turn upside-down and leaves you wondering if you meant it when you prayed for answers.

About a month ago Josh was offered a position with Redbox in Montana that would mean enough money that I could stay home. He turned it down because we didn't think we could sell our home and move. We didn't really think about it and we certainly didn't pray about it.

Over the next few weeks, people Josh works with here in Utah were filling in the vacancy in Montana and I was kinda coveting their adventures. It's just so beautiful there, and I briefly wondered if we should've thought more about it. Oh well, they knew the guy they wanted in Montana now and it was just a matter of time before he started.

I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but somehow "guy they wanted in Montana" is not taking the position and it's open again. The Regional Manager called Josh on Tuesday and asked if we were sure we didn't want to move to Montana. Josh said he'd talk to me and we'd let him know.

That night when Josh told me and I kinda did a double take. He looked at me, I looked at him and we both smiled a little. We were driving so I told him to "keep your eyes on the road Jode!" (I don't know what Jode means, it just rhymes with road...) We talked about it on the way home from work and I reminded him that Montana sounds better than Wyoming and we considered going there....I told him it almost felt like we were being given a second chance to make the right decision.

He sorta smiled like he does when I give him the right answer.

We agreed we'd think about it and talked about it the rest of the night.

Bottom line? The ONLY thing that makes either one of us nervous or uncomfortable about going to Montana is what to do with our house. We agreed that finding someone to buy (or rent) our house if we moved was the kind of thing people "leap in faith" about all the time and we could certainly handle that. If we were really supposed to be in Montana and it would be the best thing for our family, the house thing would work itself out.

We prayed that night that if Montana was best we'd feel excited and happy about it, and if it wasn't good for us we'd feel uncomfortable and uneasy about it.

That night I woke up 3 or 4 times with that "Christmas morning" feeling in my stomach. About the 3rd time I woke up, I realized that the "excitement" I was feeling was actually Baby Thomas wiggling around. :) Still, it felt good and exciting.

Thursday Regional Manager (RM) called Josh and asked what we'd thought. Josh told him we were leaning toward going, but of course there were still details to work out.

RM said that since he needed somebody up there this week to fill in, and Josh needed to get a feel for the area to decide if it would be a good thing, he thought Josh should go (with me) and we could get a feel for the area and the job and make a decision by the end of the week. Josh called me at work and asked if I could take next week off. I laughed at him a little because who does that? Then requested the time off - which was approved.

So, we leave before dawn tomorrow and we'll be spending the week in Montana. We've made no official decisions yet, and technically he hasn't even applied for the job, but it sounds like it's ours for the taking if we want it. We're hoping that being there will enhance our feelings of excitement or scare us away from there forever.

The advantages to going? I could stay home and be mommy to Sweet Baby Thomas (and isn't that what I've been praying for since February?). Fresh start. Being away would hopefully help us grow together more and rely on our families less. Mountains. Lakes. Rivers. Fishing. For some reason I think the entire state of Montana is filled with small towns and is a little country-er than Salt Lake, and that is really appealing to me. Promotion for Josh.

Disadvantages? We'd be leaving our families. (but we'd still see them) Figuring out what to do with this house. (but we can do the leap of faith) Leaving our ward. (but everybody has a blog) And for me the biggest one is leaving the people I work with. I was all excited about going, until I had to talk about it at work and then I cried all day long. Since they aren't technically family, it's not like I'd see them at Christmas or....maybe EVER. And that breaks my heart. (there's not really a but on this one. It just plain breaks my heart and makes me cry.)

So, this week we have some serious life decisions to make, and we're both hoping that our answers come clearly and quickly. They haven't had anybody in that position for about a month now, so I have the feeling that if we go, it will be fast.

Chances are you'll be seeing plenty of beautiful pictures of Montana, and since I'll be sitting in a car all day long while Josh works, you'll probably feel like you just took a trip to Montana too. So, yay for blog-road-trips!

At the risk of sounding like I'm taking back what I learned in my first lesson in motherhood....I think I just learned my second lesson in motherhood.

This baby knows exactly what he needs and will take it from what he has access to. Call it parasite-ing if you'd like, but I think it's a miracle.

I've been consciously trying to give Baby Thomas plenty of all the important things - even vitamins and especially vegetables - so he can grow and develop as he should. But here's what's amazing to me. Even when I've totally failed as a mother and had nothing to eat but candy and popsicles all day long, he's still OK. Even when I've forgotten to take prenatal vitamins or blatantly ignored the child all day long, he's still growing right on schedule.

It's not like I plan to neglect my child or feed him candy and popsicles once he's born - but it's nice to know that he has the natural ability to get what he needs. He never took a class, or asked me what would be good to suck down the umbilical cord. I don't have to remind him to chew and swallow, he's just growing all by himself. And he's doing it perfectly. Say what you want, but I happen to think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and probably before sliced bread too.

Today we heard his heartbeat again (and added Dr. Man to the list of people allowed to poke my belly....sigh....) - which is significantly slower, louder, and stronger than it was 8 weeks ago. Come to think of it, I'm significantly slower and louder than I was 8 weeks ago too.


I have gained the perfect amount of weight. Baby's heartbeat sounds just great. I officially don't have to have the nasty peanut butter shots. (Thanks mom and dad for my positive blood. I owe you big for that one.) In all I'd say it was a fantastic 10 minutes of my life. Josh is officially to the point that he thinks these visits are unnecessary and part of the conspiracy all Doctors are "in on" to try and get all our money. I think  may go by myself next time, although he may miss out on something very exciting and be bummed.....we'll see.

Things I'm really looking forward to over the next 4 weeks?

• Josh being able to feel him kick. I want Josh to fall asleep with his hand on my tummy feeling Thomas move around. It just sounds so romantic! Is that just in movies? Or does that happen in real life?
• Me getting some energy back. Dr. Man seems to think I may still come out of this first trimester garbage alive.....nevermind that I've officially been out of the first trimester for the past 9 weeks.
• Sleeping at least 2 full nights. I believe in setting lofty goals. Who am I to say miracles don't happen?

Lullabies

Ariel got me thinking about the songs people sing to their babies.

I love that she's singing old love songs to her beautiful baby girl, only I don't know many old love songs.

My daddy always used to sing us to sleep with primary songs. And I love that.

My mom and my sister have beautiful voices and they both play guitar, so camping trips bring out some of my favorite songs in the whole wide world like For Baby & Love is All Around. I'm relatively certain those will be regular lullabies at my house along with my favorite primary song lullabies like Whenever I Hear The Song of a Bird & When He Comes Again.

So, my question for the day is this. What songs do you sing to your babies? What did your parents sing to you? What songs make the best lullabies in your mind?

Eyebrows.

I specifically remember the week my nephew discovered his eyebrows. My brother in law (Clint) came to my mom’s house for Sunday dinner and announced that Garret (or was it Dallin? I don’t really remember that part.) had just found his eyebrows.

Apparently they spent the morning making faces at each other and the 1 year old had discovered (1) that he has eyebrows (2) that dad had eyebrows and (3) that he could move those eyebrows on command just like his dad. Some pretty important discoveries if you ask me.

Being the good dad that Clint is he encouraged this exploration and they learned together all the things an eyebrow can do.

Sarah, my oldest sister liked having younger siblings so she could practice things she learned on us.  For me it was a lot of experimental hairdos (when I’d cry or whine because she hurt me she’d just respond “It hurts to be beautiful”  that’s been my motto ever since….I still need therapy), and wardrobe adventures.

One time she learned that peroxide is a gentle bleach and you could spray it in your hair sit out in the sun and have blonde highlights without paying for getting your hair done or being in trouble for dying your hair. She was in high school and thought it was probably a good idea, but I’m assuming she also wanted to make sure it didn’t do something horrible before using it herself, because she approached me and Nate for the experimental phase.

When she approached me with this “very safe” experiment I politely declined – my hair is very brown, and I’ll be honest my 12 year old self knew best, I should NOT be blonde.

She moved on to my little brother Nate, the two of them decided that it was probably fine to do it on his eyebrows since it wouldn’t be that drastic of a change. Eyebrows are so little, you know? His 9-year-old self agreed with her very-persuasive-teenage self.

Nate is now 20-something and expecting his first child and he still has no eyebrows. Oddly – he looks good sans eyebrows – he’s cool enough to pull it off.

This week Baby Thomas is starting to develop eyebrows.  Add to the list of things I hope for my child that he keeps those eyebrows all through his life.

It has begun.

This morning I woke up to a weird robbery nightmare in which Aundrea very bravely and willingly gave up her Blockbuster Card to the punk kids who had just finished robbing her neighbors (the Harris’s in my parent’s neighborhood). They tried to rob her first, but she said “no thanks, try the neighbors” so they left and stole stuff from the Harris's house instead. I kept trying to call the police, but I was scared the punk robber kids would catch me, so I didn't. But I did notice details about their car (it was a brown GM Frontier, with spray paint over the license plate and the numbers 1133559 tagged on the back of it) in case I ever got brave enough to call the cops. After a while I fell back asleep (hard to imagine after a disturbing dream like that….I know).

Later I woke up to the sounds of rain on the window.  A sound I usually love, but at 4:06 this morning I would have gladly removed all the windows from my house and left big holes in the walls which clearly would have solved the “rain noisily hitting the window” problem. What can I say, at 4am I am exceptionally reasonable and think of my best solutions to life’s problems. This is why I keep a notepad by my bed at all times.

Later I woke up to my alarm clock, something about a missing not making the bus. I woke up panicked because if I missed my bus and was late for work I knew I would get fired.  Then I remembered I don’t ride the bus and still had almost 3 hours before I had to be in my office which is 15 minutes away. I decided snoozing the alarm would be appropriate and pounded on it 4 or 5 times to make sure it was really snoozing and not turned off.

I’ve been sleeping with my carpal tunnel braces on so my hands won’t be so swollen when I wake up. After nearly beating the alarm clock to death my hands were numb so I poked Josh until he opened the Velcro on them for me.  Then I went back to sleep again.

Finally, I woke up because Josh was singing in the shower.  He was singing Let Him In from The Forgotten Carols.

2 years ago the Christmas music was part of our regular rotation by September. Last year we probably started in August, although there was cooler stuff (i.e. quitting my job, going on a cruise to Alaska, getting a new job, and removing the last of the paper blinds in my new house)  going on in my life then, so I didn’t write it down.

I guess Christmas really does come earlier and earlier every year.

Also it should be noted that when I got in my car to go to the temple at the END OF MARCH my Jingles CD was still in the CD player. That’s how long it had been since I last drove my car.  So, after a 2.5 month break, I guess it’s time to bust it out again….

Yes, I realize people hate people like me (I used to be a hater of people like me, but Josh called me to repentance), but it’s not like I listen to Christmas Music exclusively year round….it’s just kinda always in the mix. Face it, you love me anyway.

Mike loves Babe

There is a man named Mike in my office.

He is married to a woman named Babe. That’s not her real name, but you’d never know it isn’t because that’s what everybody calls her and it’s what she says her name is.

Her daddy was Don. She was Dawn. So they called her Baby Dawn.

Baby Dawn got shortened to Babe and that is who she is to everyone she’s ever met (and people she hasn’t met).

Mike is the shyest, quietest, reverentest, kindest, gentlest man I think I’ve ever met. Babe is not shy, quiet, OR reverent. I’m sure she is when it’s inappropriate not to be, but mostly she’s kindof a rowdy - very loveable - person.  

One time she called for Mike while he was in a meeting and when I asked if she could take a message she said “sure. Walk into that meeting and tell Mikey there’s a hot chick on the phone who wants his body.” We laughed.

I wrote down the message so I wouldn’t blush while telling Mike to call his wife. I think he appreciated that because that way I didn’t see him blush when he read the message.

I am convinced that there are no two people in the whole wide world who love each other more than Mike and Babe. He’s sweet when he talks to her (and about her) and to hear him just say her name would melt your heart. (This is true even if you’re not prone to melty-heart-syndrome due to the child within.)

I just found out that he still calls her Baby Dawn when they’re at home, and my pre-puddled heart melted clear down to my toes (and a little bit out my eyes – that’s probably due to melty-heart-syndrome cause).

In 30 years, if Josh loves me even 1/10^th as much as Mike loves Babe, I swear I will be more loved than I ever dreamed possible.

10 minutes

What would you do with 10 free minutes every hour? 10 minutes with no responsibilities, no expectations, and nowhere to go?

As a Mormon I attend church for 3 hours every week. 3 hours minus 20 minutes that is.

The thing is I mostly forgot about the "minus 20 minutes" part until a few weeks ago when Aundrea and I were discussing the rampant lack of reverence in church.  She reminded me that we have 10 minutes, 10. whole. minutes. between each meeting on Sunday. That's 10 minutes with nothing to do but "take a break".

How was I spending that "break?" sitting reverently in my seat waiting for the next class to start. It's no wonder I was so antsy by noon and ready to get OUT OF THAT BUILDING! Not surprisingly, the last 20 minutes (the lesson part) of Relief Society was not usually my most attentive 20 minutes of church. By that time my list of things to do when I got home had grown from 2-3 items, and was now a full blown minute-by-minute schedule of my afternoon. My doodles so completely covered the back of the program that it looked more like a Rorschach test than anything else. The dot game and tic tac toe score boards had more points than the scoreboard of an NBA game.

When Aundrea reminded me the point of that break is to take a break, move around, and do the things that aren't appropriate to do during class, everything changed.

I breath some fresh air (the air is fresh when it's raining, which it so kindly has the past 3 Sundays), walk around the building, move around, have a snack, clear my mind, get my proper books out of my car, and by the time I sit back down for the lesson I'm totally ready to pay attention again. My brain is not wandering at tired, my body it not itching to get off those chairs, my tummy isn't growling, and I've successfully avoided being asked to pray (a privilege reserved for those "reverent break sitters").

I'm making some assumptions here, but I'd be willing to bet that this break is great for kids too. Let them run around the church before having to sit reverently again. Let them have their picnic lunch in the car. Let them go to the parking lot and talk loud and forget their "inside voices". Let them move around and get more oxygen to their brains. From what I can tell, there are no cons to this plan. (I know I know nothing about having kids and CERTAINLY know nothing about keeping them reverent during church, feel free to call me out on this one...it's just an untested theory at this point.)

So why is it that I only saw 4 other people outside the classroom during these breaks today? Does everybody know this break exists? Have they forgotten (like me) the purpose of these breaks? How do you spend your 10 minutes?

Gaining Weight & Growing Up

I am now gaining weight.

Officially.

There have been a few random days that my weight has been higher than it was when we started this pregnancy adventure, but I've always been back "down" the next day.

Until this week.

I had 3 days in a row of my new higher weight.

At my last appointment with Dr. Man his comment was "I'm still not concerned about your weight loss, baby is growing just fine, you will too by the next visit."

I won't lie, I kindof hoped he was wrong. I hoped I was still the same by the next time I saw him, I hoped he would say "wow! I thought you would have gained by now, it's nothing to worry about, but I'm surprised you still haven't gained anything. Next time I'm sure you will."

But, at the rate I'm going he'll probably say something more like "oh, so you finally started to gain that weight the second you left here, huh?" because really, nobody gains 2 pounds over 3 days....that's just unreasonable. Maybe my scale is broken?

On another "growing" note, I learned that those baby falcons have doubled in size every 3 days. I keep worrying that Baby Thomas will do the same. I wasn't ready for the falcons to look like awkward lurpy teenagers. I wasn't ready for them to know how to pin back their ENORMOUS wings. I can't believe how fast they've grown, and how if I don't see them for a day, they don't look like my falcon babies anymore.

But I talk to Aundrea, and I'm not so sure she was ready for her first to graduate from high school this week. Or for ALL of her kids to be going to Youth Conference with her. She's happy for them, she's proud of them, she's loves them and has a GREAT time with them - but does she feel old enough to have kids OUT of high school? No.

I talk to my mom and I'm pretty sure she wasn't ready for her baby to get all married and have a kid of his own.

It's just weird to watch other people grow up. The deacons in my mom's ward are people I've never heard of because the deacons when I was there are all out serving missions and going to college.

I just keep thinking, what if my Baby grows up that fast? What am I supposed to do then? How will I cram in all of the important things? How will I make sure that I'm not missing all the good stuff (like every older mother claims she did)? Will I feel abandoned and left behind when my baby learns to fly and leaves the nest?

Because I'm not sure I'm ready for these falcon babies to go, and I don't love them nearly as much as I plan to love Baby Thomas.

Thomas's first photoshoot

So, the appointment today went really well. The Ultrasound Lady kept calling us "guys". "OK guys. Do you see that spine?" "Look guys, he's a boy." "Guys, here's his head." The whole time. She was nice, but I haven't been called "guys" in a long long time, so it sounded weird.

So guys, wanna see some really great Baby Thomas pictures?

Too bad. All I have are these. :) Make it do or do without.

That's his face on the Left, I think he still has a tiny bit of alien going on, but only in the cutest most adorable way possible.

That thing is his leg. The WHOLE thing. Bum on the Right, knee just below "leg" and toes on the FAR left. Seriously LONG legs. Does this mean he'll be tall enough to reach the vases above the fridge someday? I hope so.

OK this one is really hard to see, but I had to post it because it was the cutest thing he did the whole time (he's mostly a layer-arounder....don't know where he gets that....) We're looking at the bottom of his foot, just below where it says "foot", and his fingers wrapped around his toes, just above where it says "hand", he's grabbing his toes. 

He's still a boy! Some friends from the ward told us their other friends found out they were having a boy, then went back a month later and his man-hood wasn't there. They were disappointed that he was "no longer" a boy.

At this point the Ultrasound Lady said "and THAT (the big black space surrounded by the white border making a U) is your very full bladder. Good work." And I said, I'm glad it looks as full as it feels." Seriously, my tiny little non-existent pea-sized bladder is bigger than Baby Thomas's head.

And in contrast, this is how big Baby Thomas's bladder is (the dark spot just below the word "bladder")

And this seems to be Baby Thomas's favorite position. His nose and mouth are poking out just below the "lip" label, but his arm is across his chest and hands right next to his face. We can see 2 elbows, 1 lower arm, an upper lip (which looks normal) and a tiny little nose.

So far my favorite body parts have to be his hands/arms. They're just so adorable and I love them. I can't wait to see his tiny fingers wrapping around my 1 giant finger, or watch him hold his hands right up to his face the same way I do when I'm sleeping.

And the most important part of the whole ultrasound is that he has all body parts accounted for. 4 heart-chambers, 2 kidneys, a bladder AND stomach (which means he's swallowing), his lip is in tact, his brain looks normal, and his cord is 3 sections which apparently is what you want it to be......everything is great and that's the best news a mom could ask for.

She said he's measuring 20 weeks and 5 days "give or take a week" and we're 20 weeks today (based on his measurements at the appointment where they decided he was 6 weeks along), so that's a good sign. I guess he'll never really measure big or small because they've always based the due date on how big he's measuring....

He's 14 ounces (even though Baby Center thinks he's only 10) and that's right where he should be.

His noggin would put him at about 21.5 weeks, so maybe he's extra brainy....or he'll be extra hard to deliver...whatever.

"Drink 32 oz. and hold it"

"Just relax, you'll feel a little bit of pressure..."
"Drink this, it'll settle your stomach."
"Just look at the snoopy poster on the ceiling and you won't even feel this needle going into your arm."
"Put your feet right here, in these stirrups, then slide down until your butt is hanging off the table, now relax." Really? Is that relaxing for ANYBODY?
But this seriously puts all insane Dr's orders to shame.

"Drink 32 ounces of liquid 2 hours before your appointment, then hold it.

Everything about this is wrong. I have an unreasonable fear of Dr's and they always make me have to pee. So, no matter what kind of Dr. I'm going to, I always ALWAYS pee right before I go into their office. Once before I leave home, then again inside the building, but outside the Dr's suite. I know it's irrational, but it's me. It's what I do.

I also always arrive at my appointment 10 minutes early...you know...just in case.....in case of what? I don't know, but I do it anyway.

Fortunately I love Baby Thomas, so I'm willing...even if I'm not able.

7:00: I down a glass of water because I'm thirsty.
7:02: I can't "hold it" anymore. This is gonna be a long day.
7:40: I arrive at work and fill up my giant cup of water for the day and start my sipping.
8:00: I decide I need to exercise my bladder in order to warm up for this afternoon's big event. I take a big gulp.
8:30: I can't "hold it" anymore. The bladder wins and I empty it.
10:30: I should be emptying my bladder for the last time. Then I should be downing 32 ounces of water and holding it until after my appointment. I'm delaying the last visit to the bathroom as long as I can justify it. I mean really, what difference will 5 minutes make?
10:30 - 11:30: I should drink 32 ounces of fluid with no more trips to the bathroom - until after we've poked and prodded and played with my belly.
11:30: I've had maybe possibly 16 ounces of water. Currently holding. One more hour? While slowly adding the last 16? I'm thinking this might be possible. Might.
11:45: I realize Josh is picking me up in 15 minutes and I really only have that long to drink the rest of this water. Not gonna happen by sipping.
12:00: I lug my enormous water cup out to the car to finish drinking on the way.
12:30: We've been in the waiting room for the longest 10 minutes of my life.
12:35: What kind of ultrasound tech tells people to come full-bladdered and makes them wait 5 WHOLE minutes in the waiting room? Rude.
12:37: We finally get called back.
12:48: Ultrasound Tech shows me my full bladder on the screen "see that enormous black spot? that's you're full bladder." me: "at least it looks as full as it feels."
1:03 Ultrasound Tech tells me we're conveniently located right next door to the restroom and I'm welcome to use it now. Thank you Ultrasound Tech. I truly appreciate that.

The good news? I did not wet myself, or the table, or "empty my bladder" early. This might have been an exercise in "I am WOMAN and I can do ANYTHING!" If so, it worked. if not, I'm still fairly confident that I can probably finish growing this baby and deliver it when the time comes.

Honestly?

Honestly I’m nervous about tomorrow’s ultrasound. More nervous than excited. Nervous I’m gonna pee my pants, nervous there is something wrong with our baby, nervous I’ll be late to the appointment, nervous I’ll forget something important, nervous I won’t be able to tell what we’re looking at, nervous I’ll say/do something stupid, etc.

Honestly we probably won’t even paint the baby’s room. We’ll be lucky if the kid has a car seat and a crib, forget about cute decorations. Depressing, but true.

Honestly I don’t know what we’re going to do after the baby comes. I don’t know if I’ll be back at work or not, I don’t know if we can afford for me not to work, I don’t know if my heart can handle saying goodbye to all of the people I love here, I don’t know if I can handle someone else raising my baby, I don’t know if my heart can handle leaving my child for even part of the day, I don’t know how we’ll pay our bills, I don’t know if my faith is strong enough to find out, I don’t know where to start finding answers to any of these questions.

Honestly I haven’t really craved anything weird. I want a soft pretzel every day of my life, but not in the middle of the night, and not so much that I make Josh go to the store to get one.

Honestly I hate that I “don’t look pregnant”. Hate it. I also hate that I don’t know what to say to someone when people feel the need to point that out to me. “You don’t look pregnant either!” just doesn’t seem appropriate….

Honestly I feel like a misfit everywhere I go. Family, church, work, friends, I’m not comfortable anywhere, and it really bothers me. I hate feeling like I don’t belong, like I’m in the way, and I’d rather just stay at home where I know everybody (Josh) loves me.

Honestly if I’m gonna be sick, I’d rather be really sick at least sick enough that I can’t come to work. Feeling like crap all day every day and “just being pregnant” is killing me. I need to be hospitalized or something so people will stop looking at me like I’m the world’s biggest whiner. I would feel a lot better if some Dr. somewhere told me that I’m abnormally ill. But I’m not, so they won’t.

Honestly I’d rather have a fruit smoothie (or something else that is cold-and-wet-and-wonderful) than a brownie any day of the week.

Honestly I’m tired. Really tired. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been back to my “regularly schedule puking”. I have a complete melt-down at least every 24 hours. But I wouldn’t say I’m really miserable. But I think people think I’m miserable to be around, and that makes me cry, and breakdown, and puke. And that’s just depressing.

Honestly I wish people wouldn’t walk by and tell me what I look like (Tired? Bored? Surprised? Busy? Ope. She’s laughing!) I don’t want to know what I look like and quite frankly its nun-ya business what I’m thinking every second of every day.

 Honestly, the next person who asks how I’m doing is probably going to get an honest answer instead of a “fine thanks, how are you”. And then I'll start crying. And then Aundrea will start crying (because nobody cries alone I love Aundrea) and then that person is probably gonna feel uncomfortable at that point. Then I'll cry because I'm embarrassed. If I were you I wouldn't ask.