Detatched

Let's set the record straight. Feeding an infant is wildly inconvenient and often a royal pain in the backside. No matter how you do it. Formula, bottle, pumping, nursing, at home in your pajamas, or in public. The very nature of it is inconvenient.

However, as we settled into a routine I learned to like nursing.

During those first few days with Tommy while I whined and worried about nursing him, my mom told me that "one of these days, you'll feed him and he'll just raise his hand up and rest it on your chest while he eats." she sighed and got a far off look in her eyes.

She had no idea that wouldn't ever happen with Tommy. But I understood what she meant. "This will get more natural and go more smoothly. You are capable of caring for this child. You have what he needs." That was the intent. And she was right. I am capable of caring for that child.

So although I wasn't making much milk I was happy to be able to nurse John. It was wildly inconvenient, often painful and definitely a royal pain in the backside. But for the past month or so I've really enjoyed it. I like snuggling up to him with his arm wrapped around me. I like feeling connected and capable. I like it when he stops sucking just long enough to look up and smile at me. At me!

But I just wasn't making much. At all. And I couldn't face the pump again. And I was nursing and formula-ing and it wasn't worth it for him to get less than an ounce every feeding.

So I'm kissing the crappy nursing bras and wardrobe restrictions goodbye. Farewell to the accidental flashing of strangers, the struggling under a blanket and the awkward "did I just leak milk?" moments.

It's over little man. We had a good run, but now....

We're free.

Thank goodness! and Dang it!