Nothing to Write Home About: or how I know I'm not in labor

As much as this blog feels like home, it's not the same to write something here as it is to write home, right?

Dr. Man checked me again this afternoon. He called it a "tight 2" with Little John still riding high.

He asked about contractions. I started to say "yes, but nothing....." and he finished my sentence with "to write home about?" Yes. Exactly. Nothing to write home about.

Then I met Tommy and Josh for lunch and spent the afternoon working.

As we wandered around the Ream's in Salt Lake, I found myself leaning on a shelf because holding myself upright was way too much work for the moment. I told Josh to "here...feel this." and asked him if it counted as a contraction.

Since my water broke with Tommy I don't feel at all familiar with normal labor. Josh felt  my rock hard abs and said yes, that was definitely a contraction. But I'm not sure how he can tell the difference between a contraction and Little John trying to push his way out of the top of my stomach with his booty.

Well that thing that he said was a contraction happens all the time. Especially today. But because I'm not in pain, or out of breath or stopping everything I'm doing to clutch my baby bump I am pretty sure it doesn't count as real.

Between that shelf and the front doors of the store it happened 3 more times.

I came home to finish my work day and while sitting at my computer felt Little John roll around twisting and turning and moving. My rock hard abs being rock-hard all the while.

But Little John was moving. So that means the rock hard abs were just because of how awesome I am and have nothing to do with contractions - right?

I googled it.

Listen. Don't google things when you're pregnant. It will freak you out.

I read a few posts and articles, and apparently every baby moves during contractions. Really. Every. Single. One. There are no exceptions. Ever. If your baby is moving and you have rock hard abs you are in labor. Money back guarantee.

And by the way, some lady in Salt Lake had one contraction and her baby popped out. That baby was moving during that one contraction. So, probably if I have one more contraction during which my baby moves, my baby will pop out too.

Plus Hilarye had her baby 2 days ago - and since Tommy was born just one day after her first baby, Little John should have been born yesterday. Technically he's late.

Plus Dr. Man said I was dilated.

Plus my feet are swollen, and my nose is fat.

Plus my house is a disaster, my bags aren't packed, the camera battery is nearly dead and I'm not sure where the charger is, I have house guests coming next week and we have now officially missed Josh's break from school. I am as un-ready to have a baby as I could possibly be.

These are all the reasons I think I'm in labor.

Which is how I know I'm not. Because a woman who thinks she is in labor is never in labor. Especially if it's her first time. Besides, Little John isn't allowed to come until I get one more real live pedicure.