A Little Bit Pregnant

Keeping it a secret proved to be harder than I expected (shocking...I know) so I wrote posts knowing that I'd post them later. I figured I could keep the secret at least until Easter, but it turns out that I'm a big whiner and I whine just loud enough to make people suspicious, so it's "later" now - so here come some posts.

Written on March 3, 2011:
Last week I gagged on my toothbrush.
The week before I started waking up at 4am because I could no longer sleep through the night without emptying my bladder.
In the past 10 days I've eaten everything I could get my hands on and gained at least 5 pounds as a result.

I'd be lying if I said none of those things had happened before in the past 16 months - but I'd also be lying if I said they didn't make me think "pregnant".

I've been holding off taking a test because I hate seeing negative tests - they make me cry. Also because they're expensive and I hate soaking money in urine. Also because I'm not really sure how I'd feel about being pregnant.

So this morning while Tommy fed himself a bowl of oatmeal, I ran off to the bathroom to take the test.

2 minutes used to feel like eternity when I was waiting for the stupid blue lines to show up.

But this morning it didn't feel like that long.

The light blue line wasn't there enough to be "really pregnant" but just "a little bit pregnant". So I hid the evidence, took a picture of the light blue line, and resolved to take another test tomorrow.

Part of me is certain I'm really pregnant, so certain that I nearly puked while cleaning this morning.
But another part of me is certain I'm really REALLY not pregnant. I'm always certain I'm pregnant, and it's only ever been true once.

I haven't told Josh yet, I don't know how, I don't know the words and I don't know when. Strange isn't it? I've never kept any kind of secret from him (hard to imagine, I know) and I know it's selfish of me, but I really want this to just be mine for a little while. I don't want to share this baby. I just want New Baby Egbert to be all mine - at least for now.

And later I'll tell him and we'll figure out what to do next, but for now - I am the mother of children, not child, and it's pleasantly anti-lonely.