Sometimes I know I'm not a grown up because I write letters to inanimate objects and people I've never really met.

Other times I know I am old because people younger than me are doing grown up things or I do/say things that make me feel old.

Rarely do I feel grown up. Very rarely.

Today there are 2 reasons I feel a little grown up:

1. I have a syndrome.
2. I went to a male OBGYN without freaking out or crying. See how mature I am?

Last week I made an appointment for an annual exam with every intention of chatting with the Dr. about our "fertility issues". (Ouch, it hurts to write that, but in the name of honesty.....let's call it what it is.)

I've felt nervous and anxious about it all day, but figured that if I really want to have a baby, I'll have to get over it anyway. Plus, of all the people who are un-paranoid about men in positions like that, I ought to be OK with it since Josh is a massage therapist. Right? Right.

Sitting in the waiting room watching all of the moms and their beautiful babies made me feel better about being there. That is something I desperately want, and I probably won't get it if I don't figure out what's going on. Staring straight into the eyes of Nemo made me relax a little. (Seriously, my OB owns the actual Nemo, and not a knock-off Nemo from Walmart either. This was the real thing. I know because a little boy kept talking to him, and he called him Nemo, and the fish responded. That's what we call indisputable evidence.)

And wham bam, 3 hours later we were outta there! In all I spent about 15 minutes with the Dr. He looked at my chart, listened to my sob story and said "Well, clearly your problem is _______. Let's get you started on these drugs. When you're about 7  weeks along please come back so we can hear the heartbeat and put your mind at ease that everything is OK with the baby. See you soon!" and sent me on my way with my prescriptions in one hand and my instructions on how to take them in the other.

I'm surprised by this, but I've had some mixed feelings about the news today. 

On one hand (probably the big hand) I'm relieved. And thrilled. And hopeful for a VERY happy future. I suddenly feel empowered and in control. I feel like I finally have an answer and a solution to the problem. I'm glad there is a "take a pill for that" answer instead of a "work out, eat right, say your prayers, have faith, and maybe it'll happen for you someday" I'm tired of that answer. I'm tired of not knowing or understanding. I'm tired of having faith. I'm tired of being patient. And I'm tired of having no idea when this will happen for me. There are a lot of days between now and the end of eternity, and it's not always encouraging for the answer to be "in this life or the next". So, this was fantastic news for that side of me. Incredible news really. I have a syndrome. They don't know what causes it, but they do know how to treat the infertility symptoms. It's common, and usually a simple pill "fixes" in this situation. I might have cried a tiny bit when I realized that everything I've ever wanted to be when I grow up (a mother) is actually possible for me.

On the other hand (smaller, but still there) I'm terrified. Being in control makes me nervous. Feeling like I'm all of the sudden the boss of this situation makes me wonder if it's really right for us right now. Before we could just say "we're not preventing it, and if it happens we'll be thrilled because we'll know it's right for us. If not, it must not be right" but now it feels like we're forcing it to happen and if I'm going to go around forcing things to happen, I absolutely want to be sure that it's the right thing. That's just the getting pregnant part. What about having a baby?!?! That's a BIG deal. A really big deal. Our lives will never be the same. We won't sleep for 20-something years. Once we start, I want more than one. But what if I can't work? What if I can't not work? What will we do for money? What about the bills? Who will help me with the baby while Josh is at work? Will the pregnancy go OK? Are we really ready to start our family? What if the baby doesn't like me? What if I'm too chicken to give birth? What will the baby look like? If I'm this paranoid now, what on earth will I be like when I'm actually pregnant?

As I think of all those questions, I come back to those same answers "have faith", "be patient", and "it will all work out". When I talk to Josh about all of these feelings and more, he just smiles at me and tells me how excited he is to finally have a "solution". 

He gets it. I know that he is running through all of those questions in his head, but he just isn't saying it out loud. I'm sure he's as nervous as I am, and I'm sure he is as thrilled as I am. 

Tonight when we say our prayers, we finally get to say "here's our plan, OK?" instead of "please help us find a plan, and the strength to deal with not having a plan". If nothing else, that is reason enough to feel happy, and very, very hopeful.