Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sometimes I know I'm not a grown up because I write letters to inanimate objects and people I've never really met.

Other times I know I am old because people younger than me are doing grown up things or I do/say things that make me feel old.

Rarely do I feel grown up. Very rarely.

Today there are 2 reasons I feel a little grown up:

  1. I have a syndrome.
  2. I went to a male OBGYN without freaking out or crying. See how mature I am?
Last week I made an appointment for an annual exam with every intention of chatting with the Dr. about our "fertility issues". (Ouch, it hurts to write that, but in the name of honesty.....let's call it what it is.)

I've felt nervous and anxious about it all day, but figured that if I really want to have a baby, I'll have to get over it anyway. Plus, of all the people who are un-paranoid about men in positions like that, I ought to be OK with it since Josh is a massage therapist. Right? Right.

Sitting in the waiting room watching all of the moms and their beautiful babies made me feel better about being there. That is something I desperately want, and I probably won't get it if I don't figure out what's going on. Staring straight into the eyes of Nemo made me relax a little. (Seriously, my OB owns the actual Nemo, and not a knock-off Nemo from Walmart either. This was the real thing. I know because a little boy kept talking to him, and he called him Nemo, and the fish responded. That's what we call indisputable evidence.)

And wham bam, 3 hours later we were outta there! In all I spent about 15 minutes with the Dr. He looked at my chart, listened to my sob story and said "Well, clearly your problem is _______. Let's get you started on these drugs. When you're about 7  weeks along please come back so we can hear the heartbeat and put your mind at ease that everything is OK with the baby. See you soon!" and sent me on my way with my prescriptions in one hand and my instructions on how to take them in the other.

I'm surprised by this, but I've had some mixed feelings about the news today. 

On one hand (probably the big hand) I'm relieved. And thrilled. And hopeful for a VERY happy future. I suddenly feel empowered and in control. I feel like I finally have an answer and a solution to the problem. I'm glad there is a "take a pill for that" answer instead of a "work out, eat right, say your prayers, have faith, and maybe it'll happen for you someday" I'm tired of that answer. I'm tired of not knowing or understanding. I'm tired of having faith. I'm tired of being patient. And I'm tired of having no idea when this will happen for me. There are a lot of days between now and the end of eternity, and it's not always encouraging for the answer to be "in this life or the next". So, this was fantastic news for that side of me. Incredible news really. I have a syndrome. They don't know what causes it, but they do know how to treat the infertility symptoms. It's common, and usually a simple pill "fixes" in this situation. I might have cried a tiny bit when I realized that everything I've ever wanted to be when I grow up (a mother) is actually possible for me.

On the other hand (smaller, but still there) I'm terrified. Being in control makes me nervous. Feeling like I'm all of the sudden the boss of this situation makes me wonder if it's really right for us right now. Before we could just say "we're not preventing it, and if it happens we'll be thrilled because we'll know it's right for us. If not, it must not be right" but now it feels like we're forcing it to happen and if I'm going to go around forcing things to happen, I absolutely want to be sure that it's the right thing. That's just the getting pregnant part. What about having a baby?!?! That's a BIG deal. A really big deal. Our lives will never be the same. We won't sleep for 20-something years. Once we start, I want more than one. But what if I can't work? What if I can't not work? What will we do for money? What about the bills? Who will help me with the baby while Josh is at work? Will the pregnancy go OK? Are we really ready to start our family? What if the baby doesn't like me? What if I'm too chicken to give birth? What will the baby look like? If I'm this paranoid now, what on earth will I be like when I'm actually pregnant?

As I think of all those questions, I come back to those same answers "have faith", "be patient", and "it will all work out". When I talk to Josh about all of these feelings and more, he just smiles at me and tells me how excited he is to finally have a "solution". 

He gets it. I know that he is running through all of those questions in his head, but he just isn't saying it out loud. I'm sure he's as nervous as I am, and I'm sure he is as thrilled as I am. 

Tonight when we say our prayers, we finally get to say "here's our plan, OK?" instead of "please help us find a plan, and the strength to deal with not having a plan". If nothing else, that is reason enough to feel happy, and very, very hopeful.


  1. I am so excited for you guys and believe me it is COMPLETELY natural to have all those feelings of mixed emotions and concern. There would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel that way! If you ever need someone to talk to just give me a call. It's not easy but it's worth it.

    "I'm glad there is a "take a pill for that" answer instead of a "work out, eat right, say your prayers, have faith, and maybe it'll happen for you someday" I'm tired of that answer. I'm tired of not knowing or understanding. I'm tired of having faith. I'm tired of being patient." - I feel the exact same as you and am still waiting for my answer...I have secondary infertility (first time I've typed that) and that is really difficult too and I get the same answers "be patient" "in the Lord's time," etc. I'm not trying to compare my situation to yours just saying, I somewhat feel your pain.

    Good luck,

  2. Amy, I'm so happy for you and I hope it goes well! And worry is totally normal. When we were struggling to conceive, I had this horrible dream where my uterus fell out and I kept trying to put the egg and sperm together and put it back inside of me, lol. (Funny only in retrospect). Now that I'm pregnant, I dream of things being wrong with the baby. I hope the pills help and your worries get to be about that little person inside of you instead of getting pregnant!

  3. Yea!! That is very exciting and nervous. Isn't it funny how everything feels a little differently (nervous, exciting, etc.) when you get to a situation that you had originally thought it would. I never ceased to be amazed at how different things actually are than I thought they would be, especially how different they feel. I'm pretty sure that is never going to go away, but it's not all bad, and it certainly makes life exciting. Good luck! ;)

  4. Yay! We're here for you if you need anything! Good luck!

  5. Good Luck with everything, Amy! I know completely exactly how you are feeling. More than once I have had the thought just like you, "what if I am trying to force the Lord's blessing on myself. Shouldn't I be patient and try to understand the Lord's plan for me?" But more than once the Lord has reminded me that we must first do everything in our power and the Lord will help us with the rest.

    Good luck with the pills though, and I hope they help!

  6. I'm so glad you went to a doctor and that you now have a "plan" :) I hope it all works out for you. I know you will be an AMAZING mother and right now you might be freaking out wondering if you can really do it, but you can, you're amazing like that. I love you and will keep you in our prayers.

  7. Amy, that is such wonderful news! As a pharmacy student I want to know the name of the miracle drug, if it starts with a c I feel smart. Anyway, good luck and congratulations!!!!!

  8. Dear Amy,

    Words cannot begin to express how full my heart is at reading this blog. I can tell you that I love you, but the typed words will never fully express what that means. Let's just say that you have been in my prayers for this, and this is just the smallest portion of an answered prayer. Okay, HUNDREDS of prayers.

    I know this is going to work out for you--I know it because you have walked graciously by faith for so long! You are normal--and entitled--to have doubts. Let's face it: Life has absolutely ZERO guarantees. And if we all waited till the perfect time when we made big decisions, no big decisions would ever be made.

    I can hardly wait to start calling you "Mommy." You will continue to be in my prayers and in my heart (along with 'in my office.')


  9. I love it when we are suprised by simplicity in our lives. Congrats! Thank you for being so honest and sharing!

  10. Yay! And I had the same concerns as you- Then I just realized that there's never the PERFECT time for a baby, there's always gonna be concerns, so you just gotta do it and it'll all work out!

  11. I understand you! We have considered going of birth control but I am not a person who can let of any kind of control easily. What if we go off and I don't get pregnant? What if I do? What if I change my mind. I like the "control" part of birth control. I wish they had another pill I could take called "nonbirth control" just so I could have the feeling of still taking a drug labeled "control." Good luck on getting pregnant! I hopeit happens soon. You'll be a great mom.

  12. everyone has already said everything but let me add a giant:


  13. Yikes! and Woohoo! all in one breath.

    P.S. As ever, I love the way you write. You make such a serious topic a joy to read. Good luck.

  14. I am really late on the bandwagon and actually just found your blog from Rachels but GOOD FOR YOU!!! Trust me, it is Gods plan, it all works out. I just did a post on that today myself. You will be a wonderful Mom with your kind heart and your sweet testimony. Put it in his hands. As for the infertility thing, we did that too...what a rollercoaster. I am SO sorry you have to go through that.

  15. This. Is. Wonderful. :) Such happy news! I've had a lot of bad news today, but this made me so happy to hear! Good luck!

  16. Amos- I am so happy to hear that first we are not the only crazy one's for wanting a baby at this point in our lives. Sometimes I still wonder if it is really the right time(aren't we still way too young). I am glad that you are able to be open with this situation. I would think some extra support from family and friends would be nice. Jason and I were reading this post, 1st speaking about how we want to write like you and second stating that we do or have felt the same concerns you have stated.
    We really wish you two the best of luck and are glad you were able to get some "extra" help as we all need extra help for different reasons in our lives.

    Enjoy your time together while it last. This is what people keep telling us. Now that our alone time is getting close to ending I can say I am getting a little nervous/ sad.

  17. Ryan and I couldn't be more happy for you guys! We think about you all the time and want you to know how much we have been hoping for this for you guys right along with you! We love you and are so grateful to have you as our brother and sister! We can't wait till we get that little addition in our family!

  18. Wow. That's a little intense. I have nothing else to really say that no one else has said except that I'm praying for you and I love you and I hope it all works out for the best in the end. Hopefully these pills will actually do the trick and you will be blessed with the deepest desires of your heart. And, just let me add one last thing, your baby will LOVE you...I mean, who couldn't? You're Fugal!! :)


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