Real

This is not the kind of thing that you're ever supposed to think as a mother. And certainly not the kind of thing you're ever supposed to write down - even in your deep dark secret diary with a lock.

But here's the truth.

Sometimes Tommy has felt artificial to me.

When he was in the belly, we'd have to shake him to get him to move.
When he was nonexistent we had to take drugs to get him to exist.
When he was born he'd just lay there, staring off into space. Like an infant.

BUT when he was around his daddy his eyes would light up and he'd kick and giggle and smile.

Now that Tommy loves me more than anybody in the whole wide world that feeling has past. His eyes light up for me. He cried and laughs. He has preferences and thinks some things are funnier than others. He runs to me with open arms and slams the door in my face when he wishes Daddy was getting him up from his nap. He is VERY real these days. And I fall more and more in love with him every day. Because he's AWESOME.

But Little John has felt real from the beginning. He kicks when I eat. He showed up with very little prompting on our part. He responds when I put my hand on my belly to feel him. He moves during ultrasounds and his heartbeat is never where Dr. Man (or his student-helper dude) think it should be. He kicks Tommy when they fight over my lap. He contracts and bends and moves.

I feel like Tommy already has loads of personality and real-ness when it took Tommy a bit to grow into himself.

Maybe it's just because NBE doesn't favor his daddy already, or maybe it's because I know what to look for this time around, or maybe now that I know a kid with personality (hey Tommy!) I know that John can have some too, or perhaps it's just a difference in me.

But I feel like Little John is somehow more real at this stage than Tommy was.

And I love him for it.