Thursday, December 20, 2007

More than you think you are.

Last night after Josh picked me up from work (he sat here patiently and waited for almost an hour while David made me play with his stupid phone) we headed over to Jamie and Cameron's because they have a bunch of stuff we needed to get from them and we haven't seen them in like a hundred years (or 2 weeks).

The boys immediately headed in the back room to play some game about light switches on the computer and Jamie and I started talking. Before we went in I told Josh we could only stay for 1 hour because I still needed to do laundry and bake bread. Somehow we were there for 2 hours before I even looked my watch!

The boys conquered the light switch game and Jamie helped me feel better about the house decision and we talked about babies, immunizations, houses, moving to Washington, jobs, coworkers, and pretty much everything else. I love talking forever like that. I'm old.

Josh and I talked about the house thing on our way home, and while he started helping me make bread. We both decided that the more we think about it, the more we like it. The more we discuss it, the more we think it's right and the better we feel about it. We just have these moments of fear because it's a BIG deal and then we confuse ourselves and freak out. Of course anything can still happen, but for now we're feeling a lot better about it, and I'm much less confused, anxious, and scared. So, here's hoping that feeling lasts and we don't have to cancel the contract! We will do whatever we think is right in the end, but for now it feels good to be there. It makes sense, and it's exciting.

Jamie and I talked about the ability to do more than you thought you could and I've been thinking a lot about it. There are so many times in my life that I truly didn't know how I would make it through one more "something" - like being really sick and knowing that I can't possibly stand one more day of this feeling; or having too many tests, too much work, and not enough time; the moments when you don't know how you're going to pay your bills, much less make it through another month (if you survive this one); being so hurt and sad that I don't know what to do with myself and not seeing an end in sight; physical exhaustion and knowing very well that I don't have the strength to take one more step; knowing that if 1 more person gets married before me, I'm gonna snap!; somehow, though, I survived all of these experiences. Somehow something happened that made me more capable than I am. Somehow my money lasted longer than it should have, my feet kept walking, I kept waking up, I survived finals, I went to 10 more weddings that weren't mine, I made it through whatever was going on. Every single time! Not once have I died over anything! It's amazing to me how many times in my life I've had blessings that can't be accounted for by anything but divine intervention.

I guess I just take comfort in the fact that it will all be OK. Come what may we can do hard things, and we are going to make it no matter what.

1 comment:

  1. I have felt that way a lot of times too (c-section, kids-need i say more?) . it is a great thought to remember. i can do it!


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