he is my sunshine

Tommy woke up the other night around 10. Josh was working, so we were both up anyway.

Tommy was a bit stuffy and a bit weepy. My mommy-heart couldn't refuse snuggling that boy back to sleep.

I carried him back into his bedroom and tucked him in under the covers. Then I laid down next to him and he put his face right next to mine - foreheads touching. Then he looked me straight in the eyes (in the dark of his room) and asked for "one mo' song?"

I "petted" his head, moving his hair off his forehead and started

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.


I paused and Tommy started to pet my head and whispered into my nose "mo' sunshine pwease?"

There are a lot of days that being a mom is nothing like the glamorous picture of motherhood I had in my head. Far more poop, far less play-dough.

But there are certainly moments like these which are far more glamorous than I ever could have imagined.

In My Own Little Corner....

....in my own little chair.

I was recently talking to a woman whose ability to communicate with God is astounding to me. She can receive revelation more clearly than I can read billboards - and it seems to be easy for her. I'm confident this is a skill she practiced and practiced and practiced, (and one I have admittedly not practiced...) but I think she is also naturally good at it. She spends a lot of time (like 30 minutes daily!) praying and listening for answers.

Given my attempts to "meditate" this month, I'm not sure I can ever work my way up to 30 minutes, but I've seen people on The Biggest Loser run marathons so I bet it's possible....

Anyway, she has a special chair in her bedroom. It's HER chair. And everybody in her family knows that when she's in HER chair, they are not to bother her. Nobody else sits in it and it doesn't get used as a trampoline or diving board or wall of a fort. It's a chair she think is comfortable and attractive. But most importantly it's HER chair.

I'm confident she has made significant sacrifices for this to be the case. I'm positive there are days she's too busy, but does it anyway. I'm certain there are times it is impossible for her, but she has made it a priority.

She asked me when/where I spend MY time. Uninterrupted. Quiet. My time.

Short answer? I don't.
Ever. except for the 2 times this month when I have "meditated".
"You don't have to have a whole room you know." she reminded me. "It could be just a chair."
"I live in a 2 bedroom townhouse with 3 boys." I shot back.
"You could spend some time anywhere, it doesn't matter where." she moved on to the "time" issue.
"I have a newborn, a 2-year-old, a husband, a calling and a business." I reminded her. "Time is just one of the things I honestly don't have."
"Even if you have to wake up early and just have a special pillow...." she started.

I'm not sure how that thought ended though, because I sortof tuned out and wrote it off because waking up before my kids means setting the alarm clock for a time that begins with 3 or 4. And I'm simply too tired.

Seriously, I live in a 2 bedroom townhouse.

The kitchen/living/dining/office area is all one big room. (Which I love, but affords ZERO privacy.)
Our bedroom doubles as Josh's office - there's just enough room to walk around the bed.
The boys' room is packed with bed, crib, toys, clothes and other storage.
Technically there IS a seat in the bathroom.....but that's really not about meditation now is it?

As I look around my house, I honestly don't see a space for an extra, special chair.

I reminded myself that her kids are older, understand how to leave people alone, and are not as physically clingy right now. (They are 8 and 13 years old.) She is in a season of her life where 30 minutes alone is a significant sacrifice, but not impossible.

But that idea of a special pillow won't leave my head.

So I'm looking.
For a special pillow.

One that is comfortable and cozy and beautiful. Beautiful matters. Because it's going to be MY pillow. And I simply must love it.
One that can move around my house to whichever room is the quietest when I need it.
One that is large enough to comfortably sit on.
One that is beautiful. Seriously. It matters.
But one that can easily be stored under my bed or behind my couch.
One that won't fall apart after just a year of use.

My requests of you are two.
1) When & where do you spend time alone every day? Am I up in the night for thinking that is a luxury?
2) Show me a floor pillow (or pouf as I recently learned they are called) that you love? Pretty please?

Tough Call

There are a lot of parenting decisions that are really easy for me to make. I'm fairly confident in the things I want my kids to learn.

But some are really hard for me.

Yesterday was really rough for Tommy. There is a little girl in our neighborhood that Tommy just can't seem to get along with. Any toy she has, he must have immediately. And he screams and takes it from her and then throws an enormous fit. I always go over to him and we talk about sharing, say we're sorry, and dry the tears. She's a sweet girl (having some sharing problems of her own) and I really like her. Her mom is a fantastic person and I lover her too! Her mom always joins in with the "let's not fight over this toy and learn to share" action. But I simply can't understand why Tommy picks on her. There are 5 other people in the room and he's fine with all of them but he picks on HER.

When he does this with other people I can usually talk him through it, everybody apologizes and goes on their way, but for some reason he doesn't calm down with her. He screams and flails and freaks out. And sniffles and sobs and shouts his way through an apology.

I said something to her mom about how I was sorry he was picking on her in an attempt to let her know that I knew he was being unreasonable but I didn't know what to do about it. Now I keep going over and over what I said and I hope it didn't come out wrong and sound like my kid hates her kid. I'm hoping I didn't stick my foot in my mouth (which I usually do...chances aren't really in my favor here) and I hope she wasn't hurt.

Why does he do this?
And how do I find out when he simply lacks the vocabulary to explain?
And what am I supposed to say to him about it?
And what am I supposed to say to my friend about it?

Go ahead experienced and wise people, advise me.

Best Love Note Ever

I've always been attached to my daddy.

Always.

My daddy has a gift. The ability to make people feel loved in an incredibly powerful way effortlessly.

I remember snuggling into his shoulder/armpit while he read me stories until we both fell asleep.

There are probably 10-15 primary songs that he sang to me a thousand times in a row, and now they're the only songs I can think of when I'm tucking Tommy in. And I can only hear them in his voice.

Every time I go home I get a "Poppi Hug" that makes me feel like I'm still 7 years old and he's fixing everything that's wrong in the world.

He bought me roses one Valentine's Day when I was in high school. He brought them home to me when he brought some for my mom. And in that moment I was certain he loved me every bit as much as he loved her.

He helped me do a million things, has given me a million things, and taught me a million things and I love him for all of them.

But today I love him because he writes the perfect love notes.

I e-mailed him saying that I didn't know what I'd do without him.

He responded beautifully and simply: "Nor me without you, so lets not even try it. lovepopi"


And for the 10,000th time, he melted my heart. 

Mr. Lonely

Dad fell asleep in the chair and Tommy thought he looked lonely.

A problem quickly remedied I assure you.

Good Morning John!

After a few days in a row of John greeting me with smiles every time I come into the room,

Sad John has started going by Guy Smiley. 

And what a lovely change it is.

Walking the Plank

We were watching a show about pirates, and they had to walk the plank - so I thought it would be fun to practice walking the plank with the boy.

I showed him how once and I guess I over-exaggerated the "whooaaa!" factor. Because this is what he did every time.

Then we got out a longer (and therefore better) plank. And Tommy continually reminded himself (and me) that "A pirate says 'arrrggg'" while he walked.

Then each toy (balls and animals included) had a turn to walk the plank.

Man I love this kid.

Today's Numbers

5: episodes of Blue's Clues

3: bowls of cereal

12,476: facebook updates about the football game (was it the Superbowl? why am I the only one who doesn't care about football)

14: times I've tried to convince Tommy that he wants to go shopping with me this morning

15: times he's convinced me that if I force him to go I'll regret it. I always do.

3: pounds gained since I bought an entire Costco cake for no good reason on Friday.

26: miles I'll have to run to make up for that. *dreamy sigh* totally worth it

78: animals dumped out on the living room floor

360: minutes of wakefulness. It's only 11am.

4: poopy diapers - what are we feeding these children?

29: tiny car accidents. did you know that a tiny matchbox car can take out a dump truck 20 times it's size? true story.

6: requests from Tommy for a nap. 

6: "Sure, you can have a nap"'s from mom.

0: naps

Significant Sleep Improvements

A few weeks ago Tommy stopped sleeping through the night.

Since he started sleeping through the night (way back when we measured his age in weeks and not months or years) he has never stopped. We can put him down for bed at 7(ish) every night and know we won't see or hear from him until morning.

I know I know...spoiled little white girl problems.

Still...

Over the holidays we were all sleeping in, and got into the habit of letting him come in and snuggle with us in the mornings. He'd wake up at 6:30 and come in and we'd all (even John) snuggle in bed for 15 minutes before starting our day. It was heavenly. I loved it.

The first few times he woke up in the middle of the night, he came into our bedroom to find me with the light on watching tv on the laptop and nursing John.

I told him it was the middle of the night, but for some reason he didn't believe me.

"John awake? Mom awake? Good mornin'!" He responded.

Maybe I'm sleep deprived (and therefore stupid) but I really couldn't refute his logic. It was 2am, not morning. But still, what do I tell him? Yes. John's awake. Mom's awake. The lights are on and we're watching tv. But go to bed. And my ability to physically put him back in bed was seriously compromised by the fact that there was a small child attached to my chest.

So once he won that debate, he'd crawl into bed with daddy (who had no problem with the situation) and snuggle for 15 minutes then think it was time to get up and have breakfast.

I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but the holidays are now over, sleeping in is no longer an option, and I'm seriously sick of being up all night. So I have become the snuggle nazi.

This week John started sleeping through the night, which simply highlighted how rotten it was for Tommy to stop sleeping through the night. Once John had slept all night long 3 times in a row, we (I) decided we should just put him in the boys' room officially since Tommy was getting up and coming in here every night anyway, it couldn't hurt.

So we did.

And now we're all sleeping through the night. The boys go to sleep by 7:30, Josh goes to sleep at 7:45 (I'm only partially kidding here...) and when I wake up with John at 5 or 6, Tommy and I are up for the day. John goes back down until 8, and Tommy and I get to bond a little before the day officially starts.

Tommy is a whole new kind of cute when he's well rested. He's not a monster who head butts me and makes me cry. He's a sweet sweet boy who climbs into his carseat and asks me to buckle him. He says "lub-ewwww" and "sawwy mom" at least 10,000 times a day. He entertains himself and is soft with Little John. He is kind. and smart. and important.

I simply love it when we all sleep through the night. It's only been 3 nights, but my whole world is better. WAY better.

Highs and Lows

Within 24 hours of this post which made me feel like wonder-mom, I picked a fight with Tommy about his fingernails.

Sometimes he doesn't mind having his fingernails cut but other times he really really hates it. But it was Saturday night and it simply had to be done. 

He cried and whined and whimpered. 

But I was strong and determined. 

He wiggled and wriggled.

But I held him tighter.

And then he grabbed my hair with both hands and head butted me. I swear I saw that in ultimate fighting once...

I pushed him off my lap, onto the floor and left the room crying. 

Not even one fingernail cut. 

I went into the boys' room where John was boycotting his wardrobe change for the evening. I told Josh I'd gladly trade him the noisy infant for the indescribably beast in the living room.

I think this might have been the first time I was genuinely mad at my child. Mad mad. Spitting fighting CRYING mad.

I kissed him goodnight anyway - but I didn't like it.

Of course the next day he was sweet and kind and smart and important. He was handsome and funny and loving. He woke me up with a kiss and he never whined at me. He gave me hugs and cuddled his daddy after their naps. He showed us a "Jesus picture!" and sat quietly by himself during the RS musical number in Sacrament Meeting. 

He was a perfect angel and I love love LOVED him. 

Of course I always love him, but man I love it when I like him too.

Meh

Mom: "Aren't you so glad to be awake today?" (in the most obnoxious mommy-talking-to-baby voice you can imagine)
John:

I'm not even kidding.

Can't Get Up

I thought I'd take the plunge and do the hardcore "yoga burn" section of the video I've been doing. I won't lie, it looked hard in the little preview, and considering that the "flexibility and relaxation" section is hard for me I figured yoga burn would do me in.

So I was pleasantly surprised when I was pretty easily keeping up with her.

Until the last move.

Deep knee bend until you sit yourself down on the floor, roll back then using your abs lift your legs up into the air (I'm good until this point). Then roll forward and stand up. (Without using your hands.)

I suppose I blame the pregnancy for the fact that I can't stand up like a normal person.

After months of getting out of seats belly first, I have totally forgotten how to stand up.

And now it simply isn't possible.

But on my first try I didn't know I couldn't do it, so I tried.

I thought the momentum from the rolling would simply lift me into a standing position (like it did for the lady in the movie!), but it only lifted me like 2 inches off the floor and I came right back down on my booty, legs in the air.

I had fallen and I couldn't get up.

I'm gonna be the most awesome old person EVER.

Word

I got dis.

Man I love that kid. 

Even if he does need a haircut.

Sad Commentary

Sometimes I can judge my life based on the status of my dishwasher. 

Totally empty usually means the sink is full and I haven't done dishes in a very long time. (Or that Josh is in trouble and I'm saving them all for him.)

Totally full means I'm on top of it. Wonder-mom. Super-wife. Totally Awesome Human Being. (I've only seen this like once...)

Running means John is crying and I'd rather not hear him.

But this? This is a whole new world.

Bottom tray: (home of cooking dishes, plates and all "real food" evidence) Empty.

Top tray: (home of cereal bowls and sippy cups) Full. 

I don't really need to explain, do I?

How YOU doin'?

Hey there.....

How you doin'?

Meditation: Part 2(ish)

Last week I tried meditating again.

I thought that if I got a little more comfortable, and had finished all the house stuff and the boys were down before I started I'd be wildly successful.

The problem came when I had cleaned the entire house, caught up on my work, put all 3 of my boys in bed and sat alone in a dark room with my eyes closed.

I looked at the clock at 11:43pm. And when I woke up it was 2:45am. I'd love to count this as a 3 hour session and say I rock at meditation....but the truth is I'm certain I was entirely unconscious by 11:44pm.

So this week I figured I needed help.

So I googled guided meditation and picked the first youtube video more than 12 minutes long. Since Josh thinks I need to calm down, I picked the anti-anxiety version.

I ignored the dishes in the sink and the dirty laundry on the floor. I pretended my work was done and my house was organized and I turned on the video.

Things were going fine until the voice told me we had walked up a grassy hill and that I should (mentally) look for a place to lie down.

As I looked around the beautifully grassy knoll for an appropriate place to lie down, my heart rate picked up, I looked and looked and looked and all of the spots had dirt-patches in them. The grass wasn't even, and there were dandelions and gopher bumps in the ground. In my head I was dressed in something pretty and I wasn't about to lay in the dirt.

Suddenly the voice was telling me I was doing a great job and that now that we were on the beach I should hear the waves crashing and the feel the light breeze on my face.

I'm not sure what else happened (or was supposed to happen) on that hill, but I kept my eyes closed through the entire session - that counts, right?

Resolutions for other people

I'm still thinking about making New Year's Resolutions for other people. This might be my new favorite tradition, because I think I'm pretty dang good at it.

Here are my New Year's Resolutions for people I have no control over:

Macey's (the grocery store, not the clothing store): You should resolve to build a store on the empty lot by my house. OK?

Owner of the empty lot by my house: You should resolve to sell that lot for less than the price of a small country so someone, ANYone can by it.

Josh: Put your socks in the hamper so I can stop cussing so much. We're all gonna be embarrassed when Tommy repeats the things he's heard.

Ben & Jerry's: How about a $.99 pint eh?

Tommy: Let's re-learn how to sleep through the night shall we? Waking up between midnight and 3am every night is not cool. John can show you how it's done if you need a lesson....

Hawiian Airlines: Keep that $175 airfare year round for the next 10 years so I can afford to take advantage of this insanely awesome deal sometime.

Running: Wouldn't it be cool if you didn't suck so much? I think you oughtta work on that.

Weather: Listen. At some point you're gonna have to snow. Let's do it now and not in April when everyone will hate you for it.

Little John: Just try to survive. With your brother around it might not be easy....

Who do you wanna make resolutions for?

Sunday In Photos

I came home from my afternoon meetings to this beautiful sight. 

And when all the boys finally came out of their comas we made this beautiful sight.

When Daddy gave Tommy a choice of which bathroom to take his evening bath in
"dis one? oooooooor dis one?"
it resulted in a 10 minute streaking session that simply had me in a fit of giggles. 

Have you ever seen a cuter bum?

<<picture removed for the protection of the innocent at their protector's request>>

And wrapping up my tiniest baby in all that love and laying him down for what could potentially be his 3rd straight night of sleeping clear through it.....was simply the perfect end to this day.

Today I really love my boys.

New Years Resolutions

Josh and I were watching an episode of The Middle (go watch it, just the beginning part before the credits) where the family decides that since they never keep their own resolutions they ought to set resolutions for each other instead.

So I asked Josh if he could set a resolution for me, what would it be. (A dangerous question - I don't recommend asking it.) After I threw out his first stupid, ridiculous, and inappropriate for a family blog suggestion he said "Calm down. Just calm. down."

I like to think that could be my motto for the year, but I'm busy cleaning out my cupboards, organizing my closets, and freaking out about the crusty spit-up stains in my carpet.

Maybe next year.

The Future

I'm just wondering, will iPod headphones still be cool when he's a teenager in 12 years?