Sunday, May 15, 2011

New Baby Egbert and a bike ride

Did you know that New Baby Egbert is now the size of a small fruit. (Apples this week.) Which is positively thrilling.

If New Baby Egbert is a girl, she's full of her own eggs to someday make her future babies with - assuming she didn't inherit her mother's inability to do stuff with eggs - which is sortof a miracle.

But if New Baby Egbert is a boy, he can squash mosquitoes for me since all of his joints and limbs are fully functioning - that would really come in handy about now.

Which reminds me, one time last week Josh and I took Tommy for a bike ride.

It was the sickest most disgusting bike ride I think I've ever been on. Ever. We were riding Legacy, which just so happened to be infested with tiny flying creatures. Mosquitoes and gnats and horseflies OH MY!!!

You know how sometimes you're walking around and you see this disgustingly enormous swarm of mosquitoes and you think to yourself "Why must they all fly so close together? What a disgusting swarm of filthiness!" Picture that, for a solid mile. Not because the swarm smelled fresh blood and followed us, but because the swarm was a mile big.

Seriously. Like this.

For a solid mile.

Josh and I were unprepared to ride through them, so we hacked and coughed and spit mosquitoes out of our mouths the whole way. I listened to them hitting my helmet sounding exactly like a rainstorm in the car. I felt them flying down my shirt, biting my bare-naked legs and buzzing in my ears. 

Before long I founds myself breathing like Michael Phelps, sucking air over my shoulder, then blowing it out HARD in front of me, somehow believing that if I blew hard enough they'd migrate South for the Summer. Or North. Or dead. Whatever. 

Once when one flew in my eye, I thought we should stop while I got it out, but at that exact moment another one flew in my mouth and I started gagging on it, which meant I couldn't stop because gagging causes involuntary inhaling, and I simply couldn't inhale out-of-control while I was surrounded. 

We peddled on. Because we're hardcore you know. 

And when we finally slowed down enough to talk to each other we compared battle-scars. Josh caught 2 in one eye and one in the other (no sunglasses for him). We each swallowed more than we admitted. I was bitten 2 or 3 times on each leg. Neither of us knows how long we washed them out of our hair, and both of our shirts were plastered with bug-guts and hitchhikers. 

So yeah, if NBE is a boy and will take up Olympic mosquito-swatting, I'll be thrilled. And if NBE is a girl and takes up baby-making (once she's old enough to know that boys exist - like when she's 20), I'll be thrilled. 

In other news: I tackled Tommy and cut his hair. You know those poor little boys you always felt bad for because it looked like someone took a weed-whacker to their heads? Tommy = those boys. But it's his fault for not holding still. Don't let the innocent face fool you.


  1. I took a walk on the "trail" here and had the exact same thing happen to me. Except I was walking- so instead of speeding through it I held my breath and swatted my hands around my face as fast as I could. Too bad you can see the trail from all the houses.. Im sure I was a hoot to watch. I haven't walked since. Since when do those FREAKING gnats all decide to hang out on the trail????

  2. I feel much worse for the kids who have mullets in the front and bald patches in the back because their moms can't part with their hair!

  3. this post made me think of a couple things (isn't that always how it goes?!)... anyway, #1 luke and i went for a bike ride a few days ago and discovered that our bike trailer had flat tires. i'm wondering if they were flat that one time you and i ATTEMPTED a bike ride and that's why it was so difficult?? apparently luke has been biking them around with them flat. like completely flat.

    #2 on our said bike ride we got gnats in our eyes, mouth, hair, ears, etc. too. it was so sick. BUT the craziest thing was that we saw THREE snakes! snakes! and one of them looked like a baby rattle snake.

    what a great trail.


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