Lonely Again

There's this song by Christine Lavin called "I Want to be Lonely Again" and it ALWAYS makes me laugh. Back when I was lonely I'd listen to it to make myself feel better because I know there are people who wish they were lonely, but it never really did the trick. The lyrics are hilarious, and they ALWAYS make me laugh, but I've never really wanted to be lonely.

Our weekend was kindof crazy, a LOT of emotions and drama, but Sunday was a very good day, and it all made me remember how much I love my husband. And now I'm realizing how much I depend on him. I already knew I really like having him around, but he does a lot for me and I have the feeling I'm going to learn to appreciate that while he's gone.

I dropped him off at the airport this morning so he can go to Chicago for the week. He'll be gone until Friday. That seems like a LOOONG ways away, and I kept trying to convince myself I wouldn't even notice because I never see him anyway, but the truth is that I like living with him. I'm really bad at living alone. I've never ever lived alone, in fact, I've spent very little time alone in my own house and I'm really not good at it.

When all of my roommates would go home for Christmas I would LOVE the fact that everything was right where I left it when I got home from work. But that only lasted like 1 day before I couldn't WAIT for someone to come home. It's too quiet, I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm unproductive and unhappy.

For example, today I can leave work anytime I want. I don't have to wait for a ride home, and I don't have to leave in a rush when he gets here too early. I can just leave when I'm ready. And since we had to wake up at "O'dark 30" I didn't' make myself lunch. So I went to go to lunch and realized I didn't really care where I went. I went upstairs to ask if anybody wanted anything while I was out hoping that they'd tell me where to go for lunch. Nobody wanted anything except for Neil who just wanted chocolate. So, i had to choose all by myself. What's worse is that I'll have to do it again tonight! And, when I get home he won't be there to look at our junk mail with me, or to talk to until it's too dark to run. So, maybe I'll run tonight, but I'd rather be talking with him. I won't have to wait up until he gets home from school, so maybe I'll go to bed ridiculously early.

The thing I'll miss the most though is reading and praying with him. We've been really bad at that since we got married, but after our Marriage Enrichment weekend we've been reading together every night and praying together twice a day. I have to admit that I'm kindof excited that I'll miss that, I think it means we're doing something right, and that makes me feel good; but I don't wanna be lonely again.

Some people can't wait for their husbands to be gone, so they can get something done, and maybe I'll become one of those wives, but for now, I can't stand the thought of coming home to an empty house, washing only own cereal bowl in the morning, sleeping all by myself, and not having any hot lunch dates all week long. I'm bad at being alone, and I sure hope I don't have to do it very often. I'm motivated by people, and I find my husband to be particularly motivating to me. The more I'm with him, the better I want to be. So, I'm hoping that I have a decent week and don't just sit around the whole week - trying to stay busy....or at least social. :)