Whine-fest part 937 (of the 3rd trimester)

I want to go home.

Really I mean it.

I'm tired and I don't feel good.

My chair (not me, the chair) is uncomfortable and I can't sit up straight because Baby Thomas thinks he needs to stand up in there all day long. I know he's standing because if he's that long from his butt to his head, whoever is responsible for contributing the tall genes is out of the family!
My fingers are swollen. Did you know that swelling actually hurts? Not just looks ugly, not just irritating because my fingers don't fit inside my rings anymore....it actually physically hurts. My skin is stretching (which is itchy AND painful) and I can feel the blood pulsing through my veins. Everything is stretched as far as it can go and it hurts to touch things. 
My legs are falling asleep. It hurts to stand, it hurts to sit still. Every time I stand up the pins and needles SHOOT through my toes & feet. My feet are swelling too. Did you know that swelling hurts? It does.
I'm tired.
I can't breath. Not because I don't know how (I do.), but because my lungs are already as big as they get...only there's no air in them. Tell me, how I'm sposta breathe with no air?
It's hot. But Aundrea's wearing her coat. That means it's probably not really hot. It's just me. I hate it when it's just me.
I'm shaky and can't really see straight.
The only thing I have to really work on is filing and my brain can't even think enough to do that. Wait does 4106 come before or after 3798?
I put my face on the desk, hoping it would cool me off. The desk is hot and sticky. I hate hot sticky things on my face.
My night was long and sleepless. Have I mentioned that I'm tired?

All I really want is to go home. Go home and crawl in bed and go to sleep. For. Ev. Er.

My bed was so soft and warm and inviting on Saturday night. I almost slept clear through the night. But last night? Last night I remembered that Someone is out to get me.

Someone threw rocks in there (the bed). Someone changed my sleep number (no I don't really have one of those...at least I don't think so....but Someone still changed it. That's the only reasonable explanation for how a bed can be so comfy one night and so NOT COMFY less than 24 hours later.). Someone stole all my pillows because I only had 4 (plus 1 body pillow) and clearly that's not enough to support the giantess that is me. Someone started their noisy diesel truck in the middle of the night. Someone lit my heart on fire just to see if I could still feel heartburn. (I can.) Someone fed me buffalo roast and expected me to NOT puke my guts out. Someone set my alarm clock for 5:45am (the nerve!) and expected me to get out of bed then. Someone shrunk my bed and I know it because there wasn't room for me, the baby belly, the pillows and the husband. Really the only detachable part of that list is The Husband and he was snoring to loud to notice I was trying to kick him out of bed to make more room for me and the entourage that I require to sleep.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Someone is also responsible for the fact that I didn't drive myself to work today, so even if I could go home sick, I couldn't. Well....I suppose if I weren't such a sissy I could walk home. But remember about the heat? And the tired? And the nylons? And the swollen sleeping appendages? I'm not walking home from work.

I'm also not going home sick. Because really I can't. My job is far too important. What if someone calls (nobody has called after 4pm for weeks) because a restroom is out of toilet paper and I'm not here to answer the phone because I'm too tired? That would be a tragedy. So, I am tied to my desk until exactly 5pm.

Or Worse. What if Josh is late to pick me up and I have to stay here more than 30 seconds past 5:00? Now THAT would be a tragedy.