Monday, September 22, 2008

Big moment

There are some moments in life that you just know you'll never ever forget. Sometimes it seems like the whole universe pulls together just to give you one moment.

Last night was one of those defining moments in my life. Yesterday was a little discouraging to say the least. I spent 95% of the day crying so hard I couldn't see straight.

I got up in the morning, said goodbye to Josh for the week and started to drive back to Salt Lake.
I cried on the way there because Josh was going to be gone for the week.
I cried because last night Katy told me that she thought I'd be a good mom.
I cried because I can't be a good mom.
I cried because I'm letting Josh down.
I cried because I have to teach Relief Society.
Because I'm scared to live alone.
Because I wanted God to love me.
Because a sappy song came on the radio.
Because I was crying which means I'm crazy.
There were a million reasons to cry and I used every single one of them.

After dinner at my parents house we sat around and talked for a good long time. Slowly people started to leave and eventually just my mom and I were home. We chatted about normal things, and then somehow got on the topic of babies and how I'm not having any. I don't think I've ever in my whole life spilled my guts to my mom like I did last night. I started to talk and just couldn't stop. I cried all over again, she hugged me and told me about some of her experiences. We sat on the couch and we cried. She held me and listened. She offered all the help she can possibly give me. I told her exactly how I felt when I was feeling it, and that is something I haven't done much with her. It felt so good! I got it all off my chest, she made me feel better, she made me feel loved and taken care of.

It was like I was 10 years old and had come home crying because I skinned my knee. She took care of me in the way only a mother can. It was truly the chicken soup my insides needed and it couldn't have happened if Redbox hadn't stolen my husband, if BYU didn't steal my dad, if Bishop Bowen hadn't given me a scary calling, and if my day hadn't been so over the top horrible I probably wouldn't have broken down and spilled my guts.  So, I humbly tip my hat, to the man upstairs for orchestrating the worst case scenario for my day, to give me the best case scenario for my mommy and me.


  1. Thanks for making me cry, Amy!! You gotta love mommies. They have a way of doing that, don't they!! Love you!!

  2. I hate days like that, where every little tiny thing will set you off... but isn't it funny how the Lord works. His ways truly are mysterious and wonderful. :)

  3. Amy, what a great blog.. you need to drive to Tooele Thursday night for some girl time YUP that's what you need. Mommies are awesome! And don't worry, the Lord will bless you in your desires to be a mother.. don't give up.


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