Saran wrap gone bad

Some days I just have to laugh at my boss. Let me give you a little peek into the mind of David. He is one of those people who really feels the need to be prepared in any situation. He likes to know exactly how everything is at all times. The first evidence of this surfaced my first week on the job when I was introduced to the travel file.

The travel file has in it EVERY file from EVERY trip David has ever gone on since 1973. Not even exaggerating. It's a full filing cabinet that has a folder for every trip. It lists the destination, the people going, the flight information, the hotel they stayed at, his packing list, his postcard list, who he met while he was there, the guy who served him is coffee at the shop on the beach on the 2nd morning at the 3rd hotel they stayed at, the bus passes, plane tickets, confirmations, reservation numbers, and contact information for anyone involved in the whole process.

He also has the compulsive need to date EVERYTHING. I mean everything. I've seen people dating their cans of food so they know how old they are, I've seen people keeping the date of computer equipment, I've seen companies even date phone equipment, but David takes it to the next level. He dates his plastic utensils (he has a box of plastic forks that he bought on June 9, 2003), and even his saran wrap. The man doesn't cook, doesn't eat leftovers, and doesn't use saran wrap, but he has a roll as big as his thighs that he purchased on Jan 26, 2003, and just in case he's in a bind and needs to know that date that he purchased it, it's written right there on the box. No worries.

At first I found the whole thing a little funny, but not that extraordinary. Now it's time for a new phone again (it's been a whopping 3 months since the last one) and we're trying to find a cell phone that can handle his database of contacts. Most people kindof laugh when I tell them that I'm dealing with a LOT of contacts, and they ask how many,

"you can't have more than a thousand, right?"

"nope, more than six THOUSAND contacts"

awkward pause....."I don't know where you would save that many contacts, have you tried an SD card?"

"yes, but you can't move the contact file from the phone to the SD card or it doesn't recognize it in the contact application"

longer awkwarder pause "hang on, let me get my manager"

"ok"

manager gets on the line

"I hear we're dealing with a rather large contact file"

"yep. we sure are"

"do you know how big the actual file is?"

"36.9 MB"

"oh. that's bigger than expected."

"yep."

"there's probably not a phone on the planet that can help you with that. Anyway you can delete any of those contacts?"

"I'll look into it, thanks for your help."

Enter David

"you can't have that many contacts"

"I need them"

"all of them?"
"There's no way I contact more than 1% of them in any given year."

"so can we slim it down so you have the bulk on your computer and the regulars are on your phone and if you need another you can remote to your computer?"

"what if i need to call someone I didn't know I'd need to call? What about when I'm having a conversation with James and afterward I need to call Bruce, and Bruce needs James's attorney's phone number, address, fax number, and e-mail address? What will I tell him then?"

"To call information to get it."

"What if they need to know the date that we went under contract?"

"Tell them to call your assistant and she'll give it to them."

"What if my assistant isn't there and they need it immediately?"

"You can remote to your computer and get it."

"What if they power is out where I'm staying and I don't have an interent connection."

"It won't be an emergency to get the date then."

"I have to have all of my contacts with me at all times just in case I need one of them."

And so the quest continues for the perfect phone with an unreasonable amount of memory and storage space, the ability to get e-mails, calendar items, tasks, and phone calls, connect with the bluetooth headset, have service EVERYWHERE on the planet, including Bali and Marrakesh, can remote to his desktop computer, and will make him pancakes and eggs in the morning.