Here's the thing.....
I still really hate that I'm not breastfeeding Sweet Baby of Mine. Most of the time it's fine. It's convenient, it's easy, and my boobs belong to me and not the child attached me. So that's a really great thing.
But I hate that we're not doing it. It wouldda been free. It wouldda been healthier. It wouldda stopped me from feeling like I wasn't meant to have kids. (OK That's probably not entirely true.....but it might have helped.)
Last week Josh said something about how we feed him and I sobbed. I cried because I'm not giving my baby the best of the best. I cried because I probably quit and gave up too soon. I cried because I wondered if I should've just tried harder. I cried because even though I did everything I was supposed to I just wasn't enough.
95% of the time it's really not a big deal, but the other 5% of the time - it's the whole world to me and my heart aches for the missed bonding time, the lost attachment, the nutrients he isn't getting, the reminder that I wasn't meant to be a mom, it all hurts.
I've convinced myself again that if I take the herbs all through pregnancy, if I pump longer, if I work with the Lactation Lady it'll be different next time. Things will go better. My body will cooperate and I'll prove that I was meant to be a mom. I know I was.
I just need another chance and I'll do it better.
But this time it hurts.
amy, you are such a great mom!!!!! you shouldn't for one second think anything different because you didn't have a wonderful milk supply or "try harder" (pumping or whatever). when i had cole i felt like such a bad mom too for first of all not even being able to get cole to latch on... not even once, and second of all for having a horrible milk supply. i hope that our conversation the other day about me pumping for 5 mos with a crap milk supply didn't spark this feeling up for you again because honestly if i could go back again i think i would have not pumped... it made me soooo depressed to always be tethered to a pump (esp. in the middle of the night when i should have been sleeping). i only did it because i felt so bad about not giving him those nutrients... but i am positive that what little i gave him made little to no difference. i was not happy, i cried a lot, and it made being a mother/wife/person a lot harder than it needed to be. plus i still felt guilty. don't do that to yourself!! a happy mommy makes for a happy baby and a happy husband. formula is a blessing for people like you and me who had low milk supply.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry this is so long. i could go on and on. there are some positive things i want to tell you but i'll save that for next time i see you. in the mean time just know that you are an amazing mom. i've seen you in action. we all do our best and thats enough!
Ashlie, you didn't make me feel bad at all. I'm OK with it most of the time, but every once in a while I just feel bad. You know how it is. :) Thank you for your kind words. I'm getting there....slowly.
ReplyDeletei must have no heart. i was soooooo beyond relieved when i switched to formula at 7 weeks. i hated nursing. like ashlie, it made me feel really depressed. i don't know if i'll try it again with baby #2.
ReplyDeleteyou are a sweetheart and a better woman than i am! and i bet thomas doesn't give a crap as long as he's getting milk :)
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ReplyDeleteOh Amy! Don't worry so much! You're a great mom...Really!
ReplyDeleteIf it's not breastfeeding it's something else. I've always found something to feel guilty about, I think that goes along with being a nurturer.
ReplyDeleteAmy, you are a fabulous Mom! Please don't beat yourself up about this, really!
Say a prayer, the Lord knows how you are feeling and he will help. :)
I felt the same way. I dreamt about it all the time and wondering constantly if maybe I could try again. I know it seems like a big deal now and it is but I promise you that it won't always seem that way.
ReplyDeleteI love you Amy. You are the best mom and you are TOTALLY meant to be a mom!!! You have a baby, a wonderful baby boy. It's ok not to nurse. You aren't less of a mom because you didn't. I didn't nurse Brianna. It's OK!
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way...is that something your Heavenly Father would tell you? Cause it seems like those thoughts are coming from someone else if you know what I mean.
I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOMMY!!!
Amy, because you are a woman you aren't just meant to be a mom, you were CREATED for it. End of story. I really believe this.
ReplyDeleteThink of women who aren't able to have a child biologically. Are they 'not meant to be mothers' because their bodies didn't function in the way they were intended to? No way! All women are meant to be mothers.
I agree with Emily- we All feel guilty about something. It really is part of being a mom. I'm sending happy thoughts your way. Hang in there!
You are all kind and that's why I love you. Thank you.
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