The truth about breastfeeding (dun duh duhhhhhhh!!!!!)

I'm really glad that God sent me to a family with sisters.

When my water broke I called Katy and asked her if my water really broke (partly because google didn't really know) she said it did. She was right. I probably wouldn't have gone to the hospital if I hadn't talked to her. My appointment with Dr. Man was the next day at 2:30 in the afternoon and I sorta figured I'd just talk to him about it then. Thomas was born at 2:19 the next day. Waiting for the Dr. appointment would have been a bad choice.

When my boobs weren't making milk I called Sarah and asked her what was wrong. Of course she could only tell me her experience, but it turns out that her experience feels exactly like mine.

When my milk came in I told my mom that my colostrum was getting watery. She told me that's because it was milk not colostrum.

And by "my milk came in" I mean "after squeezing and playing and pinching so I could to get the kid to latch on I was able to express almost a whole drop of fluid." I still haven't felt "full" or engorged or really even productive forget about leaking milk everywhere.

I spend 15-20 minutes pumping with the super-duper heavy-duty $1800 hospital pump and get a combined 1/4 -1/2 ounce of milk if I'm lucky. Sometimes I get nothing. Baby Thomas will eat suck for 30 minutes at a time, but I sortof don't think he's getting anything after the first 5 minutes. That's because when I pump I can see the milk coming out. Usually it's like 5-10 productive sucks then 20-30 unproductive sucks. But that's only for the first 5 minutes. After that it's nothing. He's just sucking because it's so dang much fun for everyone involved. He is always still starving after sucking for at least 30 minutes (usually more like 45 or an hour).

The milk I do get is the thickness of watered down soy milk.

Compare that with someone like Lindsey who has so much milk she needs to buy a deep freezer. Me? I literally spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get the 3 drops of spilt milk off my counter and into a bottle for him to be able to eat. Because those 3 drops were a big difference to me.

So, to every Lactation Consultant who will tell me that it's "just supply/demand" I say "mmhmmm.....and so is the price of gas." (snicker snicker snort - I'm so funny.)

Fortunately Lactation Lady never said any such thing. She's really supportive of anything I want to do and I don't feel like she'll tell me I'm a bad mom for using formula. And I'm not.

I'm not giving up, or quitting, and I know it's only been 2 weeks. But I'm no longer going to spend 2 of every 3 hours trying to feed my baby. I'm not going to invest in a $300 pump to try to suck 3 drops out of my boobs. I'm not going to deprive myself and my baby of a much needed good night's sleep. And I'm certainly not going to starve my child (I promised him I would never let him starve during my major emotional breakdown).

What I am going to do is give the kid a bottle when he's hungry and sick of sucking on my dry boobs. I am going to enjoy feeding him. I am going to hold him while I feed him and tell him that I love him. I am going to watch Josh feed him and remember that my baby is loved by his daddy. I am going to enjoy the freedom that comes in the form of a bottle of formula. (Josh, your turn to feed the kid, I'm going on a walk.) I am going to remember that the formula probably has more nutrients than my particular brand of water-milk. I am going to breastfeed him when I have something to give, but I will not deprive my child of food because I want my body  to provide him with everything he needs.

And all of that is fine by me.