Sunday, September 21, 2008

Some feelings I've had

I've been avoiding terribly serious subjects in my blog mostly because they make me cry and I'm not pretty when I cry. I have enough not-pretty moments without bringing them on myself, so I generally avoid crying when I can. But, today it all kindof came to a head. So, if you're about to brave reading the next couple of posts, I'd just like to say "welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is my life."

When I was a little girl, my sisters taught me this song that went "When I grow up, I want to be a mother / have a family / one little, two little, three little babies of my own." Then since you can't really remember the other lyrics, you just sing it a million times and just keep counting. Eventually you start over though because "20 little, 21 little, 22 little" doesn't quite fit the rhythm it should.

On Sundays we'd go for bike rides/walks to the elementary school playground that was just down the street, and I would sit on the lowest swing so my feet would still touch the ground. While my siblings would go off playing four-square, tetherball, and swinging like normal people, I'd slowly rock back and forth on the swing, my feet never leaving the ground singing/humming this song to myself and pretending I was knitting something in my lap. I knew I was way more mature than my siblings who were galavanting around and I thought to myself those kids are just so funny sometimes and I'd shake my head like if they only knew what I know....someday they'll grow up.

I guess that was kindof the beginning of it for me. I've always wanted to be a mom. A lot.

When I was 12 I was babysitting full time (seriously, like 8 hours a day) for a family up the street from me, and I knew I would be the world's greatest mom because I practically lived with these kids and I took care of everything they needed. I helped with school and homework, piano lessons, I cooked and cleaned, they called me to come babysit when they went to the hospital to have their last child, I knew very well that this was just practice and that I'd be a fantastic mom as soon as I got married.

Well, Josh and I have been married for 2 years now, and I'm sure you've noticed that Junior is the closest we've come to having a child. My heart hurts that we haven't had any kids yet. It hurts to see other people with their perfect families and it really hurts to see people who don't even want kids having them.

It seems completely unfair that some 17 year old girl who (pardon me for being bold) shouldn't even be having sex, much less having BABIES is pregnant, while I (a person who likes to pretend the swingset is a rocking chair and wants to sing lullabyes and wake up at 2 in the morning to feed a baby and change diapers and look at his/her beautiful perfect little face all day long) have been trying forever to have a baby and for some reason just can't.

My heart just wants to cry when I see how big "baby Logan" is and remember that if my body worked the way it should, he could be mine.

I am worried that the reason we haven't had any luck yet is that Heavenly Father doesn't want us to. We aren't ready, or good enough, or prepared enough, or smart enough, or righteous enough. There's something wrong with us and that's why Heavenly Father is holding our little ones back, and that scares me. Wheat if I'm never good enough? How am I less qualified than that 17 year old girl? Why not me? I see other people who are parents and think "I could at least be as good of a mom as _____ is, right?" What is so wrong with me that this isn't happening for us?

On the plus side, I have a fantastic husband who is loving and supportive. He lets me cry to him everytime I start my period and can't handle it because it means I'm still not good enough. He hold my hand and hurts with me, and I'm really glad I'm not alone on this one.

I also have sisters who have quite possibly the world's cutest kids. And they are so generous and let us play with their kids pretty much anytime we want. They let me tag along on their mommy outings and even like that my husband loves their kids as much as he will love ours.

So, someday I hope that Josh and I will have "one little, two little, three little babies of our own." but in the meantime, I am eternally grateful that I have a family who knows how to share.


    Everything happens when it should. Amy Heavenly Father loves you and when the time is right he will bless you with "one little two little three little babies". My brother and his wife tried for 4.5years until they got preggo with Brinnon (now 2) and when he was just over a year they decided that they would go off Birth control because it does take them so long to get preggo. well Heavenly father blessed them with a little girl just a month old tomorrow.
    What im trying to say is Heavenly Father loves you and you are good enough. i felt the same way as you when i miscarried. why would i have this little one and then it be taken away? but as i have been reminded and reassured- heavenly father has a plan for each of us and in time you will have one. i know those seconds, minutes, days seem like eternity but hang in there sweetie! relax and love each moment alone with Josh. if you ever need to talk please dont hesitate email me

  2. I'm so happy that you were able to write about this on your blog. For me, it was so hard to talk to people about (other than my wonderful hubby). So I avoided it forever until I found something out and now that I've talked about it I can't believe how much better I feel. I hope that same feeling comes to you. I never knew that so many other couples out there were having similar problems as me, and since I have talked about it I have been so comforted by the comments, support and love that others going through it and not going through it have given me. Not being able to get pregnant and being so so so ready for a baby is so hard. I completely understand the pain you are feeling. It is good to know other people feel the same way. Remember to have faith. The Lord can see the whole plan and I'm sure he has some excellent plans for you. You are going to be a wonderful mom. Try to stay positive. One thing my doctor told me is how important it is to stay positive. Your body can tell the difference and responds better to positive attitudes. (It is so hard to stay positive though, I know.) Oh wow. This is long. I'll end now. You're beautiful. And just remember that the Lord will answer your prayers.

  3. Amy, you are going to be such a great mommy!! We're excited for you when it happens, and I'm sure it will. And, we love sharing too, cuz if you didn't notice our kids love you just a little bit and think you are pretty awesome, peace out, if you know what I mean!!!

  4. Amy--
    I'm Kari--Michelle's sister, and WOW! That was like reading my own journal entry from several years ago. I was married for seven years before Jack found his way to our home through adoption and it was a long, hard road not knowing why babies didn't come or if they ever would come.
    I won't tell you that I know what it feels like, because I hated when people told me that. Even if they had known at one time what it felt like, once they had kids they couldn't completely feel the pain and even then, I knew their memory was tainted with the joy of the eventual babies.
    But I will tell you that it has nothing to do with not being ready or worthy or anything else like that. It has everything to do with how God knows exactly what he's doing, and one day, when you see it all, you'll realize just how perfectly He set it all up.
    For years, we didn't have babies, but we felt compelled to do nothing--not look into medical issues, not consider adoption--but do nothing. It made no sense, but that's what we felt impressed to do. So we did nothing.
    Then one day, someone called and offered the opportunity to adopt Jack. Had we successfully pursued babies before, we would not have been considered by this family to adopt our Jack--and what a tragedy that would have been. Or, and what I tend to believe, is that we wouldn't have been given other children before Jack, we would just have beat our heads against a wall and we would have been thrashed when it came time to be parents.
    I believe that as women, our duty as mothers starts long before the babies, and it is up to us to be very in tune with our Father in Heaven, and listen to what he tells you to do in preparation for your family. And then do it. For me that was "do nothing," which sounded crazy, but was exactly what I needed to do. For you, it might be the same thing, or to keep doing what you are doing (very hard also), or something completely different that you've never considered before. But if you feel that is what you need to do, to prepare, do it.
    My heart aches for you, sweetie. This is hard and I hope that I haven't been too out of line for sharing, here. I usually don't leave random comments, but I just started typing. I hope that you will know what you need to do, find peace in doing what you can, and that you can get on with enjoying that great life of yours while you prepare.


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