Saturday, June 18, 2011

Unalienable Rights

I'm a snob about some things (mostly paper products) and I simply refuse to use the knock-off brand. I recognize that not everybody cares about the same stuff, and that to a lot of people it's a big fat waste of money to insist on fancy toilet paper and facial tissues, and that's OK.....for them.

But there are some other things which I believe are certain unalienable rights. Things that every person in the whole wide world should be allowed to have on a regular basis. No matter who you are or where you live, these are things you should certainly be a snob about.
  1. Time alone in the bathroom. Every human on the planet should be allowed to walk into the bathroom in their house, close the door behind them and have nobody bother them until they are good and ready to come back out. They can bathe, or shower, cry in an empty bathtub, or spend some quality time with the porcelain throne. But the bottom line is that it's nobody else's business what they're doing in there or how long it takes them. From a  30 second potty break to a 60 minute bubble bath, it should not be interrupted or questioned. Ever. There is only 1 exception to this rule and that is for the persistent eternal shower-er. That guy's wife should be allowed to say "it's been half an hour! save some hot water for me!" because that guy's wife is probably a saint (and probably has pretty eyes, and besides that she's carrying his baby!), and clearly his lack of consideration for her ability to use this rule is unreasonable. 
  2. Good-smelling wet wipes. I used cheap wet-wipes for a while, but what it really comes down to is that when a person is scraping poop off another human being's bottom, they are entitled to use any tools they'd like. If they wanna use imported silk with hand stitched embroidery which has been dipped in Aqua diGio cologne (or some other insanely expensive and beautiful scent) they can. Because you take any perks you can get when poop-scraping.
  3. A pedicure given by a person who speaks little-to-no English. This is new on my list as of this summer. And not everybody wants a pedicure, and that's OK. But they should allowed to get one if they want. I learned the beauty of a non-English pedicure a couple of months ago. The guy who beautified my feet didn't say a word to me for a solid hour.
    He prompted me to raise and lower my feet with subtle taps on my legs, he signaled for me to just sit there and relax with a hand gesture, he asked me if the water was too hot with his eyebrows and I understood every single word. The man was a genius. I read, I listened to the news, I closed my eyes and leaned into the massage chair. I did not ask where he was from, or how old his kids were or even discuss "this crazy weather".
    That's when it occurred to me that I'd prefer a lot of other people not speak English. Like the grocery checkout lady. The dentist (not you Lisa). The Kirby vacuum guy. And the gynecologist. The list goes on. 
I'm all for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but I think that everyone getting bathroom time, scented wet wipes & pedicures would probably improve the state of this country. 

Just sayin'.


  1. I couldn't agree more, especially the non-English speaking people.

  2. I like this! I need to get a pedicure this week! If you want one we should go together!

  3. I'm so with you on time alone in the bathroom (how I miss those pre-toddler days!) and good wet wipes, but I like my service people to speak English. My favorite hair cutter is the chattiest. I love to shoot the breeze with the cashier, and conversation with my OBGYN truly does put me at ease. (It's so much easier to relax when you're NOT focused on that dang speculum between your legs!!) I think I'd feel really uncomfortable spending an hour with someone without conversing with them! It'd drive me crazy.


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