Da Belly: 32 Weeks

I think I'm in the awkward teenage phase of this pregnancy.

The acne, the sleeping till noon, the immaturity (I actually stuck my tongue out and put my fingers up to the sides of my head and said "nah nah nah nah nah naaahhhh" at Josh yesterday. And I meant every word of it.) and raging hormones are all but kicking my butt.

I consider food found at a gas station appropriate for dinner. My body is growing in very strange and uncomfortable ways. I need a new wardrobe once a month. The newness of "oh my gosh I'm pregnant" has totally worn off (I realized late last night that it seemed totally normal to waddle to the bathroom 5 times within the first half hour of being home. I don't know how much more adjusted I can get....) but the "holy crap! what am I gonna do with my life when I graduate? (have this baby)" hasn't quite settled in yet. I'm in that weird in-between zone.

Really the only differences between me now and me 10 years ago (in Jr. High) is that I now have a drivers license, bills, and a *shriek squeal* super-cute husband! Oh yeah, and I'm not looking forward to the stake dance this Saturday. That's different too.

This week Baby Egbert has:

• Full grown fingernails AND toenails (which will probably never be painted since he's a boy and everything).
• Maybe some hair. Or maybe some peach fuzz. Or maybe a balder than bald head. I'm really curious about the hair on this child. Do you think they'll ever invent an ultrasound that shows things like hair and eye color? That will be cool.
• Soft and smooth skin. I'm not sure who is more excited about this, me or Josh? Josh goes nuts for brand new babies. He loves to touch their skin, and their hair. I think he'll spend hours holding hands with Baby Thomas just so he can feel his skin.

Really from this point forward they know nothing about my baby. The updates are full of vague "facts about Baby" and always say " or maybe not....the development of every child is unique, even in the womb, so maybe your child is still working on getting rid of the tail, or maybe he's fully developed. Who knows really?".

However, the facts about how I'm feeling are something they are very confident about (and also wrong a lot of the time). For example they claim:

• I'm gaining a pound/week. I'm not. Last time I went to the Dr. the nurse said "wow. you've barely gained any weight at all! Looks like you're just getting past your pre-pregnancy weight. Lucky you!" It's true. I am lucky, and relatively certain that will change as soon my body realizes that eating pretzels, slurpees, and chocolate covered cinnamon bears for meals is not a healthy diet.
• I'm experiencing heartburn and shortness of breath (you know...because of the extra large nature of the floating uterus). I'm not. I take drugs for heartburn and the lack of shortness of breath is probably directly related to the fact that I take less than 25 steps per day. If butt-sitting were an Olympic event I'd have a gold medal. It's not and I don't.
• Back pain. "you can blame your growing uterus and hormonal changes for your aching back....This can make you feel less stable and cause pain when you walk, stand, sit for long periods, roll over in bed, get out of a low chair or the tub, bend, or lift things." OK they nailed this one. I am definitely experiencing a sharp shooting pain anytime I lay down on something that is not my bed. I cry and moan and groan and get stuck in whatever position I landed in. Josh laughs at me as he helps me up.

Somehow they don't think it's important to mention any of the "other" details like:

• Although you spend more time sitting on the toilet than anywhere else, the toilet seat will not be molding to fit the shape of your butt. It's still uncomfortable and cold even though you were there less 5 minutes ago. "They" make it this way so you'll be motivated to leave the bathroom at some point during the day, although since you're pretty much constantly peeing it's a big waste of time to pretend you get anything else done during the day.
• Just because you're so sick of the only 4 shirts you own that you've started closing your closet door for the first time since you moved into your house 2 years ago, doesn't mean you can light them on fire and expect your husband to support you in buying a whole new wardrobe. Anything you burn can and will be unavailable to you and The Baby will not be responsible to replace any such items. Besides stores don't even make clothes as big as you're gonna get anyway. So don't bother looking. Also, just get used to closing your blinds at 5:15 each night so you can walk around in your underwear as much as possible.
• Forget about stocking up on diapers and baby gear. Immediately purchase a case of waterproof mascara and a case of Puffs Plus. Because honey? You're gonna cry. Every. Single. Day. I decided it wasn't OK to pretend I'm just "in touch with my feelings" anymore when I cried because Fiona's dad turned around instead of talking to her since she was an ugly old ogre while watching Shrek 2 last night. What kind of father does that to his child!?!?! There is something wrong with the world.

It's a miracle BabyCenter hasn't hired me to correct and re-write their weekly updates for them.