Honestly?

Honestly I’m nervous about tomorrow’s ultrasound. More nervous than excited. Nervous I’m gonna pee my pants, nervous there is something wrong with our baby, nervous I’ll be late to the appointment, nervous I’ll forget something important, nervous I won’t be able to tell what we’re looking at, nervous I’ll say/do something stupid, etc.

Honestly we probably won’t even paint the baby’s room. We’ll be lucky if the kid has a car seat and a crib, forget about cute decorations. Depressing, but true.

Honestly I don’t know what we’re going to do after the baby comes. I don’t know if I’ll be back at work or not, I don’t know if we can afford for me not to work, I don’t know if my heart can handle saying goodbye to all of the people I love here, I don’t know if I can handle someone else raising my baby, I don’t know if my heart can handle leaving my child for even part of the day, I don’t know how we’ll pay our bills, I don’t know if my faith is strong enough to find out, I don’t know where to start finding answers to any of these questions.

Honestly I haven’t really craved anything weird. I want a soft pretzel every day of my life, but not in the middle of the night, and not so much that I make Josh go to the store to get one.

Honestly I hate that I “don’t look pregnant”. Hate it. I also hate that I don’t know what to say to someone when people feel the need to point that out to me. “You don’t look pregnant either!” just doesn’t seem appropriate….

Honestly I feel like a misfit everywhere I go. Family, church, work, friends, I’m not comfortable anywhere, and it really bothers me. I hate feeling like I don’t belong, like I’m in the way, and I’d rather just stay at home where I know everybody (Josh) loves me.

Honestly if I’m gonna be sick, I’d rather be really sick at least sick enough that I can’t come to work. Feeling like crap all day every day and “just being pregnant” is killing me. I need to be hospitalized or something so people will stop looking at me like I’m the world’s biggest whiner. I would feel a lot better if some Dr. somewhere told me that I’m abnormally ill. But I’m not, so they won’t.

Honestly I’d rather have a fruit smoothie (or something else that is cold-and-wet-and-wonderful) than a brownie any day of the week.

Honestly I’m tired. Really tired. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been back to my “regularly schedule puking”. I have a complete melt-down at least every 24 hours. But I wouldn’t say I’m really miserable. But I think people think I’m miserable to be around, and that makes me cry, and breakdown, and puke. And that’s just depressing.

Honestly I wish people wouldn’t walk by and tell me what I look like (Tired? Bored? Surprised? Busy? Ope. She’s laughing!) I don’t want to know what I look like and quite frankly its nun-ya business what I’m thinking every second of every day.

 Honestly, the next person who asks how I’m doing is probably going to get an honest answer instead of a “fine thanks, how are you”. And then I'll start crying. And then Aundrea will start crying (because nobody cries alone I love Aundrea) and then that person is probably gonna feel uncomfortable at that point. Then I'll cry because I'm embarrassed. If I were you I wouldn't ask.