Friday, December 19, 2008

A Change of Heart

What I was going to post today (seriously, I already had it written, just not posted yet) was this:
Where is my Christmas Spirit?

Remember when you were a little kid and Christmas was all about fun, presents, a break from school (and life), playing in the enormous white mounds of snow, enjoying family parties, sugars, sweets, and hot chocolate and enjoying the best in everybody?

What happened to that?

Instead of playing in the snow, I’m bundling up and whining because it’s too scary to drive. I put on as many layers as possible (for the journey from my door to my driveway), and I haven’t even tried to catch a snow flake on my tongue this year. The only white mounds I've noticed are the growing piles of laundry to be washed.

Instead of taking a break from school and life I am working as much as possible to pay for stuff. I’m trying to catch up and prove to people that I’m reliable even in the middle of holidays. I’m over-booked and under-staffed and can't seem to stop myself from committing to things that I really can't make happen.

Instead of enjoying family parties, I’m grudgingly going. But only because I love my mother-in-law and Josh, and Christmas parties are what make them happy. I think there are entirely too many of them, and mostly I hang out with the same people at every one of them (Josh’s siblings) anyway.

Instead of being excited about surprising somebody with the perfect get, I’m running to the store on my way home from work and grabbing a gift card (because that’s more fun to use anyway) and calling it good. If you’re lucky you’ll get a homemade card out of me.

Instead of loving the bell ringer outside Walmart for the service he’s offering and singing jingle bells the whole way home, I want to knock that guy out and carry him around with the SLOSM but first I’ll take away his bell because he’s buggin’ me.

Instead of enjoying the sugars, sweets, and hot chocolate I’m doing a sugar fast and drinking raspberry tea to make my stupid broken female reproductive system work.

The truth is my baby brother is getting married tomorrow and it’s kinda freaking me out. My holiday season is (once again) childless and it breaks my heart. My driveway is covered in ice and my car shakes when I start it. My Christmas tree is beautifully decorated but not once have Josh and I sat in the love sac together staring at it and enjoying the glow from the lights. The presents are (mostly) purchased and wrapped, but none of them are surprises. We’ve bailed on more parties than I care to admit to, and haven’t done any neighbor gifts. The treats and snacks I've made may have been poisoned for all I know, and I haven’t watched any classic Christmas movies yet. The Christmas music we’ve been listening to since August has slowly made its way out of my CD player and I haven’t been ice skating in 2 years. We went to see the lights at Temple Square but took exactly 0 pictures and stayed for approximately 26.3 minutes. I know I'm not the busiest person alive, and I have no idea how those of you with kids do it. I really don't.

So what do I really want this Christmas? Peace. I want a whole day at home with my husband who I love. I want us to enjoy the things we love about this season together. I want to borrow somebody’s child (anybody? Anybody? Buhler?) and watch them open Christmas presents giggling over each new toy. I want to watch a Christmas movie while drinking hot chocolate and not feel guilty about the sugar or the waste of time. I want to wander temple square 2 nights in a row revisiting my favorite places the 2nd time. I want to lick the mixers while I’m making Christmas cookies. I want to take beautiful pictures of the snow covered trees. I want to snow-shoe up a huge mountain and enjoy the moonlight shining on the fresh blanket of snow. I want to shop with no financial or time restraints. I want to roll a snowball taller than my head. And I want to enjoy Christmas the right way! Why is that so hard?

After composing this terribly (honest) depressing blog. I read this post. Then this one. Then this and this. I decided that I am truly thankful for all that I have. The tears came (thank goodness I forgot to put on mascara this morning) and I made a conscious decision to stop feeling sorry for myself because I am truly blessed. "I have so much more than I don't have." 
The words I had planned to say in my lesson on Sunday (I'm never really sure of which words actually make it out of my mouth during those 30 minutes) keep coming back to me. When I don't understand or feel like I am forgotten, I can fall back on the things I really know. 
I know that this life is not the end and that the things that don't work out here absolutely will work out later. I know that even when it's hard, it's certainly not impossible. I know that with the love and support of those around me who are most important, I can do hard things and I know that I am loved beyond anything I can imagine.
Yes I still want peace for Christmas, no I'm not satisfied with the way I've spent this Christmas season. Yes I think that if our circumstances were slightly different (we had a baby) everything would be better (those of you who would give anything to a day off from kids for just one day, can laugh at me now). But more importantly, I know that it will be OK.


  1. Amy, have I told you lately how much I love your honesty. I really miss having you close by. I know your struggles about having children. Not completely I know - but I've been there. And I feel like a hypocrite saying this because I am miraculously pregnant now. But I want you to know I have felt the despair. And even once you come to that place where you know Heavenly Father loves you and isn't mad at you. When you aren't mad at the 17 year old who has a baby or your friend who has 3... it still sucks and you still cry yourself to sleep. Because its an eternal part of our nature to want children. In the Roundtable talk from last years Church Leadership meeting it talks about this. You should look it up... Anyway. This is getting to be a long comment... I just want you to know you are not alone. You are an amazing person. And as busy and hectic as life has been. I know that you genuinely care about people. They don't need you to bake them cookies or go their Christmas parties to know that. :) Merry Christmas

  2. You can take our kids!!! We would LOVE it!! A day without them would be great expecially for our anniversary! LOL I love ya girl. I hope your holidays are a little more fun. Take a break and just relax.

  3. #1 I loved this post. I have had the same feelings this year. When I was halfway through putting up my decorations I decided I was DONE. And that was several days after Thanksgiving. When Chris and I talked about getting a tree I realized I didn't want to spend the time and effort to decorate it. I don't want to make treats for the neighbors. I do want to spend time at the family parties but this morning at the ward party, I hid in the kitchen. Bah humbug is a new emotion for me. I don't think I like it. :(

    #2 I realized as I was driving in this morning that I never added your blog to my link list and thus haven't read your posts for about a month or more. So you kept me very awake and laughing my whole drive in. Seriously, I love your blog. I read back until the middle of October and I want to continu reading in your archives. Be prepared for a million comments.

    #3 I hope you guys have a merry Christmas and I hope we see you soon.

  4. Not a whole lot to say except for Merry Christmas! I always look forward to hearing from you :)

    One day you'll be a wonderful mother!


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