Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dear red-haired security man

Dear red-haired security man,
Today you scared me. I just wanted you to know.
You normally sit at your security desk looking nice and formal and intimidating. Like a security guard should look.  Your arms are folded and your eyes are on the computer screen, glancing up every once in a while to see the people walking past you. I like you there. You make me feel safe.
Today you were out of place (in my office instead of behind your desk) shouting about cookies and laughing with other people who clearly know you - but I don’t. When you asked why we were holding out on the Security team, I didn’t realize you were talking about the cookies. That’s why I stammered and blushed. I was embarrassed I didn’t realize you were joking.
When you shouted to my boss that I was in trouble for not sharing the wealth, I felt a little more stupid and I hate feeling stupid. Especially since I didn’t know it was part of my job to inform the security guys when we have cookies. In fact I didn’t even know there were security guys anywhere but behind their desks.
It’s not just because you have red hair that I think you’re going to fly off the handle. The earpiece and black suit make me think that you’ve been trained to kill a man with your bear hands (sorry, Bond is on the mind) and are ready to attack should anything look wrong to you.
So, for future reference, I always have candy in my top drawer, so consider yourself informed. Please don’t tell on me for holding out on you anymore. Please don’t talk so loud. Please don’t joke with people who don’t know you’re joking (especially innocent helpless receptionists who haven’t ever spoken to you before). Please remember that when you look like, act like and are a security guard, people think certain things about you. It’s not judging, it’s just observing. Please just take a handful of cookies and eat them quietly at your desk with your eyes on the computer screen. If you’d like, I’ll even deliver them to you.
Just please don’t hurt me.


  1. That was HILARIOUS! I love the way you put words sometimes, it's always fun to read your blog when I need a good laugh. THANKS :-)

    P.S. Hopefully the red-headed security dude will behave himself from now on.

  2. LOL LOVE IT!!! so funny. I'll give you 50 bucks if you actually print this off and deliver it to him

  3. What a funny girl you are. We should be friends.


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