Friday, August 29, 2014

2 Years

Josh graduated from nursing school in the Spring of 2012, he got a job that summer working at The Peaks (an orthopedic rehab center) in Orem, and we were thrilled that he got a "real job". But it was an hour long commute from our home. And he hadn't gotten around to quitting working his other full time job at Redbox, so he was gone a lot. And we knew that an hour commute was not sustainable for us - although it was just 3-4 days/week it meant his very long work day was that much longer. He left at 4:45am and didn't get home until 8pm on work days. 

So we started looking for someone to rent our townhome so we could move to Utah County. We listed it available and knew that if we hadn't found a place to live in Utah County yet, we could crash in my parents' basement while we looked. 

We rented faster than I ever dreamed we could, and wound up having about 6 days notice to pack and move. We moved Labor Day weekend 2012, leaving all of our stuff at a storage unit and sleeping my parents' basement. 

A month later we finally found a place to live and moved again. 

Then our landlord (in a move of epic jerkishness) evicted us delivering 30-day notice on Halloween. So we moved again - this time to American Fork. The week of Thanksgiving Break. 

In June we started house hunting and found the please, and somehow we wound up closing Labor Day weekend exactly 2 years after we left Foxboro for Utah County. 

Because it happened during the same weekend, it magnifies the differences in our life then and now. Now we're getting ready to move for the 4th time in 2 years, and I'm swearing up and down we'll never move again unless we feel like it.

We are thrilled with this home we've found. Shopping for and choosing it was a surprisingly beautiful experience. I wanted so desperately to walk into a home and have God send a bolt of lightening and a clear message to both of us that simply said "THIS IS IT!!!" BUY THIS HOUSE!" (Did you say it James Earl Jones' voice? If not, go try again.) But when we walked through this home the first time we just liked it. It was comfortable and calm and peaceful and exciting all at once. We shopped some more after it, we made and offer and got it under contract. But we kept shopping even after it was under contract.  It doesn't have everything we thought we could get out in Spanish Fork, so we looked around a bit more. 

We scheduled another walk through and when we left Josh just kept saying how comfortable and calm and peaceful it was. I thought of all of the things we can do there, I can see our future there and our family in that home. I especially love the neighborhood - it's in a circle, it's close to my sisters who watch my kids while I work, and it's closer to civilization (read: Salt Lake City). So it's an easy win for me. When we thought more about it, we decided that Josh's comfort and my excitement were as clear of a message as anything would ever be. 


We're moving in a couple of weeks when we've had a chance to paint the pink room (so many boys in my life!) and Josh has a weekend off work. But before that,we'll definitely be spending more time there. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

keys, police, flowers

This morning was one of those mornings. 

You know the kind, when you wake up to the sound of birds singing and you roll over in bed and that handsome little boy next to you puts his hand on your cheek and says "I love you so much" and then you slowly meander to the kitchen, share a leisurely breakfast, share with brother, clean up, do chores, and realize that you have SO much spare time you can all play a game together, then read some stories from the library, (REALLY read, all the words on all the pages) and still have time to put your shoes on before getting in the car. 

It was that morning. And I just kept thinking "wow, how come things are going so smoothly?" and then I remembered that Josh had cleaned the house from top to bottom the night before which always makes for a better morning. So we walked out the door, to get in the car and reached for my purse and it wasn't there.

So I reached for my keys on the counter. And they weren't there. 

So I started scrambling around my house looking for the missing keys. Then I looked through the windows of the car and saw my purse on the floor in the front seat of the car. Then I realized my keys were probably in there and starting thinking of a) how I could get my keys out of there. Right now as I'm writing this I think the better question would have been How can I get to work without a car. Because surely it's possible. But I'm a spoiled first world resident so instead I tried to figure out how to get my keys out. I called Josh, and texted Josh, and called my sister to tell her I'd be late, and called my office to tell them I'd be at least late, if I ever made at all, and called Josh again, in case he didn't notice the first, and sent another text, just in case. 

But then Katy said did you call the police? 

Which is how I know that the Police Department will come and break into your car for you if you ask nicely and they're bored. (I did, they were.)

Which is also why we had time to sit around picking dandelions out on our front lawn this morning. 

Which is also why I was late for work. 

In other news, once the police got there and let me in to my car, I grabbed my purse and reached for my keys and there they weren't. So, that was another fun 30 minutes searching for them. (They were DEEP under the seat of the car.) 

But the best part is that while we were waiting for the very kind police officer to rescue us, the boys picked "flowers" for me. Then Tommy sweetly tucked the dandelion behind my ear and told me "I'll put this boo-tiful fowler in your ear and then we'll cover it with your hairs so your boss can't won't ever see it." 




Meanwhile little John picked all the flowers he could find then threw them up in the air and jumped on them. So, there's that. 

These boys of mine, they are not the same as each other are they?


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Oh Little John

L:ittle John is at that lovely age (2.5) where he knows exactly what he wants, and he'll do whatever it takes to get it. That means I spent lots of time saying things like "Little John! Beach balls are not appropriate stools!" and "don't hug the crock pot again." and "climbing the bookshelf is dangerous" and my new favorite "the fridge handle isn't strong enough to hold you."

Somehow my very clear and scientific explanations of gravity and force and heat do nothing to deter him. So he is my most injured child. We are constantly finding bruises and scrapes and bumps all over his arms, legs, and apparently magnetic noggin.

But when he gets injured......my how he snuggles. When this boy wants you, (which is not always) you just soak it in because though the love and stillness is fleeting, it's well worth the spontaneous investment.


He's also at the really fun language age. Where he says funny things, repeats sweet things, and grunts enough things that you just want to giggle at his "communication".

After climbing the fridge door to get an otter pop out of the fridge, he told me "big one. pop. fridger." and I translated "you got a big popsicle out of the freezer?" and he corrected me. "NOOOOOOOO no popsicle. oughtta 'op." (because, duh.) I managed to keep me "all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares" lecture to myself. I'll save it for another day.


He's a little crazy. But aren't we all?


And handsome. But aren't we all?

One of the best things about Little John is that most photos of him have something blurry happening. It's usually his face or limbs because he has exactly 2 speeds. Stopped to examine the ground, and full blast. 


It's so funny to me how he relates to the world and to me so differently from Tommy. Where Tommy is reserved, shy and cautious, John is enthusiastic, wreckless, and brave. He doesn't often hold back, and because he's so much like me, I am surprised that when we divide & conquer, Josh usually takes John and I negotiate with T because Tommy & Josh are far more alike and John and I seem to operate similarly.

I just love this little one.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Hide & Seek

My boys have become masters of hide & seek.

They're being trained by their older (and wiser) cousins, Garret & Dallin. And miraculously Garret & Dallin are also teaching Tommy that when someone finds you, it doesn't mean you lost, it's the fun of the game.This is a concept I have been unable to teach him in the first 4.5 years. But he still places enormous value on being the last one found.

So when I got home from work today, we ate dinner (cereal and grilled chicken - because I let John be in charge and he is both 2 and a carnivore) and the boys immediately wanted to continue the game of hide & seek they'd been playing earlier.

Tommy: "I know mommy! Let's play hide & seek and I can be the trickiest!"
Me: "OK and I'll be..."
Tommy: "Well. Probably like the least trickiest. Because you're not so great at hiding. But that's ok."

After brushing myself off and vowing to stop going easy on him, we determined that he'd be "It" first.

T: "How high should I count?"
M: "20"
T: "Well...yeah, that's the rules, but I don't know how to count to 20 (he does, but apparently he doesn't know he does) so I I'll just count to 11 reeeeeeaaaallly slow OK mom? Like this. wah wah wah waaaaaaaannnnnnnne, t-t-t-t-t-t-toooooooooooooooo...."

Well I found an awesome hiding spot and it took him 1 Instagram update, 1 Facebook update, and 3 Pinterest searches to find me. I call that wildly successful.

John on the other hand is the world's worst hider. Partly because he always hides in the same place (in a pile of blankets and pillows on my bed) and partly because he can't control the laughing. As the mom I feel obligated to narrate my search because surprising the hider usually ends in tears.


"Nope, not under the pillows!" I say "not in the kitchen! I guess I'll go look in the bathroom."
As soon as I enter the room where Little John is hiding, the giggling starts.
"Not behind the door" I announce.
Mad giggle erupt under the pile of pillows.
"Not in the closet" I continue
Full on belly laughing from the pile of pillows.
"I guess I'll just take a nap on this lovely pile of pillows instead of looking."
And he jumps out of the pile of pillows (picture a show girl coming out of a cake) and shouts "I HERE MOM!!!!" and we giggle together.

I know summer is hard because you can't keep the kids busy with enough to do - I highly recommend recruiting them for some hide & seek at my house.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Brothers

Tommy has been fascinated with family relationships lately. He was totally excited for Mother's Day, then when Father's Day was coming up Tommy wanted to know when "Brother's Day" would be. For the record it's in May. But we had already missed it.

Next year we'll celebrate. And probably I'll make up a date for it this year too. 

His primary teachers moved and I think his class is currently bouncing through substitutes. Since we're still new (we get to be new for a year, right?) I have no clue who is teaching his class, and really I wouldn't recognize them if he knew their names. 

Last week when he came home with this drawing of "me (the big guy) sharing with Little John (the little guy) about my baksket ball because I'm so kind at sharing". I told him I thought the picture was awesome and I wondered who his teacher was. 


The good thing about 4 year olds is that they can tell you things. The bad thing about 4 year olds telling you things is that it's a bit like decoding. "My teachers were two brothers guys. But not little brothers like me and little John. Not like sharing. Like big brothers guys. With no balls." 

After I stopped laughing I asked if they were brothers because they were related or if they were brothers because they both had the same name "Brother ______"
he said their names were "Brother"

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

New habits

After last year's "Great Big Biffed It" episode Tommy wanted exactly nothing to do with his "cool new bike". So he reverted back to the tricycle.

The vain part of me wants to claim I handled that well by just letting him choose when he gained interest again, but the honest part of me just didn't know what to do yet and hadn't gotten around to taking a stab at it. 

But a few weeks ago Tommy asked if he would need stitches if he rode the bike again, and I explained that the conditions in our new neighborhood are much more favorable for learning to ride a bike. With some reassurance he strapped on his helmet (which he doesn't see as a big help since he was wearing it last time when his chin guts fell out...) and pedaled slowly around the driveway. We talked a lot about braking and practiced a lot of times. "pedal pedal pedal BRAKE!" then "pedal pedal pedal pedal pedal BRAKE!" and then he dared pedal "hundreds of times!"


Now that Tommy loves his bike again, Little John has rediscovered the wiggle car and it is apparently impossible to get out of the vehicle and go inside before riding the bikes off into the sunset. Every day we get home from work and I try to chase them inside and they run for the bikes and get as far away from me as they can before I set down my purse and chase them down the street.

I can't tell you how maddening this ritual is - because at the end of the day as much as I'd love to go for a long leisurely bike ride/walk around the block, I have to make dinner and get them bathed and ready for bed before the stars come out.

Also I can't tell you how much I love this ritual. There's something about my kids loving to be outside that strokes my parental ego. As if my children wanting to ride bikes means I have somehow taught them something good.

I posted this picture on instragram and my Aunt (Hi Sharon!) so kindly reminded me to chase them down with helmets. This was the first time Tommy got on the bike again and I hadn't pulled out the helmets yet - and honestly I probably wouldn't have for a while if I hadn't been reminded. Do you put a helmet on a kid riding a wiggle car? I do now, because if Tommy has one of something John needs one too. Obviously.



The most expensive part of the wiggle car is that Little John brakes with his toes. Which means he's run totally through the toes of 2 pair of shoes in as many months. Before I find him another pair I'm making him "bike" in these ones, on the wrong feet, so he wears out the outside edge too.


I really love that these boys love their bikes, and I hope they (Little John) learn to be a little more cautious as they bike up and down our sidewalk, but mostly I'm just really glad for a flat neighborhood on a quiet road where they can reasonably bike up and down the street. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Day of the Tulips

Sometimes my family gets these really great idea.

"Let's go see the tulips!" they say
"It'll be a nice lovely stroll in the garden!" they think
"and a picnic lunch! Such peace, such reverence, such joy!" they claim

Lies. All lies. Except the parts which were true.

It was the last day of the tulip festival, which apparently means that every resident of the entire state must migrate to the garden. (Were you one of them? Hi Marianne! We saw you walking through the parking lot.)

After eating lunch at our park, which was crowded with the only 75 people who weren't at Thanksgiving Point, we headed for the garden. But when we got there ALL of the parking lots were full. And the line to be allowed the privilege of paying had filled the foyer, and was out the door and around the culdesac. I immediately declared that it seemed like a great day for a pony ride and ran for farm country.

Where we had a fabulous (and only a little crowded) time.

The kids were red faced before we even started because it dang hot outside.

Ryann, Lucy, Tommy, John and Ian

The kids were unreasonably excited about the whole thing. They couldn't wait to see the animals. Ryann was especially excited about seeing the baby chicks, and taught us about the egg tooth. Tommy saw I was taking a picture of the girls and cheese-ball photobombed. I love that kid.
Tommy, Lucy, Ryann, Grandma Fugal
 After riding ponies we wandered to the bird cages.
This peacock wouldn't stop showing off - which was SO cool.
I love this boy - and snapping a picture where he's not doing the cheesy smile is rare these days.
Tommy
Little John ran around like a crazy kid, then finally stopped to stare at the rabbits. He is rockin' the crazy blue eyes which I was certain would be long gone by now.
Little John
In "jail" we told the kids to make their bad-guy-est faces. The kid on the left wasn't with us, but he was in jail with us, and I suppose nothing bonds people like sharing a cell. 
Random kid, Ryann, Tommy
 Ian's eyes didn't stop sparkling the whole time we were there, and somehow I captured only 1 of 2 possible seconds he wasn't grinning from ear to ear.
"Baby" Ian
 Lucy got on the wagon and just giggled and giggled, she was so excited!
Lucy, Tommy, Ryann

Finally we were exhausted so we went to get ice cream, where we waited in line for a long long time. After ice cream, I still really wanted to see the tulips, so we headed to the garden to see if the line was still insane. It wasn't, and the air was cooler and there was a magic cloud cover which made the walking around much more pleasant. It was a beautiful evening. 

Since Katy watches my kids 2-3 times/week these kids know and love each other so well. I don't get to see them all interact that often, so it's especially fun for me to watch them be bestbuds.

Tommy, Ryann & Lucy open their arms and invite Little John to join them.

And then he does.
 Lulu posed by every flower for the first 15 minutes before she got bored of being "so beautiful". I wonder what it's like living with such a girly girl. :)
Lucy
I know Grandma's don't have favorites, but I feel a little confident that if they did Little John would be in  her top 12 grandsons.
Gramma offers a "bump it" to Little John

Little John accepts

Grandma explodes - sounds effects and all
 I'm not sure why, but there were some bouncy houses available. The old ones (me and grandma and grandpa) were bored and concerned that the kids thought the giant blow up slides were cooler than the beautiful flowers.
Tommy eventually got brave enough to jump and bounce down the slide. 
 It looks like we were there in the dead of winter, but the whole place was blooming, just not behind the "royalty bench".
Ryry, Lulu, T
 Somebody somewhere taught all of these kids that hills are for rolling down. Most of them aren't great at it (I mean really, look at Little John's form here....) but they all giggle uncontrollably the whole way down. So....
Lucy running, Ryann standing over Tommy and Little John "rolling" with both feet and head in the air while only his hip maintains contact with the ground.
 But seriously, the flowers were breathtaking.
pink tulips - so many pink tulips


Friday, May 2, 2014

What my babies love

My boys love me. Consistently, wholly, and beautifully.

I headed to Arizona for the weekend to help with a conference that a good friend mine puts on. I left Wednesday morning and got back late Sunday night. I got back just a minute or 2 before Josh and the boys returned from the family Easter party with the Burrastons. I was standing in the car port in all my road trip glory (read: dirty yoga pants, oversized t-shirt, road trip hair, and probably chocolate on my face - because, road trip.) and as Josh pulled in I saw Tommy unbuckle and get ready to open the van door. As soon as he could the door opened and he fell into my arms saying "mom! you're here! I've missed you!" and I scooped him up and kissed him and told him I missed him too.

He's lovely that little one. And really there's nothing like being missed when you're gone.

Little John would have been excited to see me too - but it was late and he was asleep, so I didn't love on him until the next morning.

But that night, Tommy and I stayed up for another hour talking while he told me about all the things I'd missed.

His first friend birthday party: It was all about frozen and it was Ella's birthday (she's from his preschool) and they were tryin and trying to put that nose back on Olaf and Mom! I did it! (pin the tail on the donkey I assume) And Ella's mom said if I want I could try it again but I didn't want and that's ok. And I did gived her a birthday present about coloring and I did had so much fun.

The Burraston Easter party: I will show you all my eggs. one by one and we did have candy over there mom! really. we did. (insert most serious 4 year old face you've ever seen) and gramma gave us all these eggs!

And a bunch of other intensely exciting things like church and preschool and riding bikes and snoozin.

Here's the thing about living with littles, they drive you crazy because they're high maintenance, but you leave and miss them anyway. Then you come home and wonder why you ever thought you needed a break. Then they prove to you exactly why you needed a break and it only takes a second or 2.

Lately I'm really loving motherhood.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

AARP

I was only 16 when I started getting junk mail from AARP. I'm not sure if it's because "they" somehow knew that I had an old soul or if that junk mail somehow aged my soul. 

Either way I'm an old lady inside and now "they" know it. In the last few months I've heard a few commercial and caught myself wishing myself into retirement. 

Enjoy the common areas and open floor plans of our unique condos. I do like open floor plans and common areas....
You'll love 2 beautifully prepared meals by our health conscious and professionally trained chefs every day. A chef?!?! That's the dream!
You'll easily connect to all the things that make you're life go. They have internet, I need internet, it's a match made in heaven!
Daily activities include hiking, biking, trips downtown with your friends and gaming! I like all those things, and so do my boys, we'd have a fabulous time.
Of course housekeeping and all medical staff are available to help you at any time. I'm sold. Where do I sign? 

Then all my dreams were shattered with their stupid tag line about not letting your advanced age slow you down and how Treeo is the coolest place for old people to live in all of Utah County. 

But don't worry, the next commercial really WAS for me. 


You can finally have a walk in jetted bath designed to let you feel secure and safe while you relax your muscles and joints. 
Joints? Dang. Only old people have joints. Foiled again.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Young Women

When I was in Young Women I am quite confident I was a giant pain in the butt. There were a lot of girls my age, and we were significantly less than gracious when presented with ideas, activities, and advice offered by our leader. They should have hated us, but all signed said they didn't. We were given far more love than we deserved.

I've wondered how that could possibly be so. I thought they must be faking. Or putting on a happy face.

A few weeks ago I was called to be the laurel advisor in our new ward. And now I suddenly my leaders in a new light. I suspect they weren't faking. Perhaps they really loved us. And maybe they saw that we were just kids doing what we could.

The girls in my ward happen to be far more incredible than I ever was. There are only 3 laurels in the ward right now, but they are extraordinary human beings. I mean really extraordinary. They have already gone through challenges that I still don't know how I would handle, and they are dealing with it beautifully. Plus they are beautiful. I look these girls in the eyes and I see the incredibleness beaming out of them. Because there's so much awesome in them that it can't be contained.

I suppose that's one thing I love about growing up. Seeing things from grown up perspective and learning that it was all much more loving and accepting than I had ever imagined.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Home Sick

I won't lie, the adjustment to our new (to us) house has been hard. We're close enough to our old house that Tommy stayed in the same preschool and we are in the old neighborhood fairly often. Plus every time he sees "our" G on the mountain he asks if we're almost home. (Because it used to mean exactly that.)

But this week, the home sickness had us both in tears.

Because we moved under less-than-desirable circumstances (read: I was crazy mad at our landlord and NOBODY wanted to move) I tried to explain it to a concerned Tommy.

Me: Well, our Landlord gave us a letter that says he wants to live here, so we have to move to a new house.
T: What's a Landlord?
M: He's the guy who is the boss of this house.
T: Our house-boss?
M: Sure. Close enough.

Fast forward to this week on our way home from work
T: "mom, I just want to go to our real home. From our house-boss. Did he said he's all done there now?"
M: "No babe, we can't live there anymore, we have our new house instead."
T: "I really really miss our real house, I don't want to go to our new house anymore."
M: "I miss our old house too, what do you miss about it?"
T: "Riding bikes, playing in the yard, walkin' to school, and 'member those nice guys that lived by us?" (sniffling and crying while he talks)
M: (Sniffling my own self) "So SO many nice guys that lived by us. I miss them too."
T: "Maybe we could visit our old house if we want to."
M: We can't go inside, but we can go drive by and wave to it from the car if you'd like.

So we did. We drove by slowly, waved and wept. We waved to the Carlson's and Ruby's house. We waved to our sledding hill and Maggie Dog. We remembered walking to church and then.....we saw a for sale sign in the front yard.

Tommy asked what the sign said. I told him it was for sale, so someone new can buy our old house. He wants us to buy it. And he nearly had me convinced with his emotional attachment to that neighborhood.

But the flooding in the massage room, the cracks in the foundation, the weird weird weird layout and bedrooms with no closets, the shoddy workmanship on any of the "remodel" work, the yard (oh that yard....) We don't REALLY want to put that kind of money - and labor - into it. But my goodness, that little boy preyed on my emotions and nearly had me convinced we wanted to buy that house today. (future Realtor? He can be very persuasive.) Enough that I got to a computer and looked up the listing. I will say, if I had the money, I would buy the empty lot for the current list price on that house. Because really it's an incredible location.

Primary Photo [click for next photo]

Here's hoping we buy a place soonish and we can enjoy saying "this is our real home" for the last time. At least until he's too old to care. (Does that ever happen?)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Workiversary

1 year ago I went to the wrong place for my first day of work. It wasn't my fault, but I felt foolish anyway. When I showed up at the right place, my new boss and I talked through some strategies and business ideas. We immediately got along very well.

During the last year we've done a lot of adjusting. 
  • Josh took on more household responsibility and I gave some up. 
  • My boys have adjusted (or are trying to adjust) to seeing less of me. 
  • I spend more time talking to adults than little ones.
  • I cook and clean less.
  • Josh knows more about kids than he ever dreamed he didn't know.
  • We spend much less time with our entire family. 
  • We pay all our bills with significantly fewer financial-emotional breakdowns.
  • We discovered that cereal is a viable dinner option. 
  • I learned how to answer my cell phone without knowing who it is.
  • I got a grown up wardrobe.
  • Josh has new respect for all the stay at home parents in the world.
  • The boys cry to Josh before me when they're injured.
  • I became the pushover.
  • I listen to talk radio.
  • The boys have awesome relationships with their cousins (minus Little John and Ian who are still deciding if they like each other or not...) and the love-fest is continuously melting my heart.
  • I regained confidence in my ability to do things. Like answer my phone and talk to adults. 
  • I'm leaning all kinds of new skills and abilities. Securities laws and limitations, business design and (begrudgingly) Quickbooks. Again. 
To be totally honest, I'm still deciding if it's worth those adjustments. We make a lot of sacrifices, we enjoy a lot of benefits. (Like not losing our house, and being able to pay our bills.) It's hard. Really hard. My kids miss me. I miss them. We want the park instead of the carseat. I want to cook dinner before bedtime. I want to have a pajama day just because I feel like it. I want Tommy to KNOW that I will always be the one to pick him up from school. I want to play with word families with him while Josh plays wrestle-mania with the Little "The Maniac" John. I want Josh's days off to mean family fun days.

But staying home was hard - really hard - too and I wanted a lot of changes then. (like wearing real clothes, being asked a question harder than "what's for lunch", the boys to see Josh more often, a break from them long enough to miss them, and the ability to buy stuff they need.)

I recently read a blog post by someone I truly love and respect, and she took a very firm stand that choosing to be a working mom is not a good choice. I read that post and cried. It hurt, because I'm still deciding what is best for me, and this stance left no room for personal choice. Blanket statements and generalizations implying that it's selfish or irresponsible or harmful to my children, made my heart ache. I retreated to my very favorite (and safest) corner of the internet with the women I trust more than any other women - to both have my back, and tell me when I'm being unreasonable - and I cried to them. They backed me up. Because they love me. The pain of reading those words in that post made me do some soul searching and decide if I really thought I was doing the right thing by working out of the home again. And today, right now, I am sure this is what I needed for 2013. 

I'm honestly thankful for my experiences at work during this last year. I've had some life changing conversations with my boss that had nothing to do with my job. I've gained a new respect and appreciation for not doing it all and slowing down. I've learned to let go of stuff that simply doesn't matter. I'm working on better managing my time. And oddly, my kids have become a higher priority to me. I spend many more quality hours with them and I think about them when I'm gone. Something about absence making the heart grow fonder..... Mostly I appreciate my time with them more. I'm far more willing to snuggle a little longer, sing one more song, read one more story, and watch the ants for one more minute. I'm learning valuable life skills, gaining confidence in what I already knew and rediscovering my priorities in life. I get an enormous amount of satisfaction from doing something that makes me think.

My kids? They know I love them. They are building social relationships with kids their age and learning to interact with adults that aren't me. They get opportunities that they wouldn't get if I was their sole caregiver and the opportunities I normally give them. They are with a person who does love them. Whether she's paid to or not, she is an extraordinary soul who has the ability to love people she didn't give birth to. She also happens to be family, and for that I am extremely grateful.

For me, right now, this is the right choice. An excellent balance of office work and mother work.



So, happy anniversary to me and my job. Who knows if we'll celebrate a 2nd anniversary or not, my time here might be done and I'll be a full time mom again, or I may stay at this office until I retire; but either way, I'll know that I'm making the right choice for me. Because I truly believe that choices which so intimately impact an individual family are choices that can be made only by that family.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

On Feeling Beauty

I've never been one of those universally beautiful people. I don't mean that in a "tell me I'm pretty" way, but in a matter-of-fact some people look like supermodels and I'm not one of them way.

But every now and then I feel beautiful.

This started when someone I love started doing Dressing Your Truth.

But most recently, I got a haircut. And apparently the world ended. I posted this photo on facebook


and had (I'm not exaggerating) 145 likes and 45 extremely generous comments about it. I think that's more than when Thomas was born.

It's kindof a weird feeling because while I seriously love the new do, and these generous comments reinforced that feeling of beauty, it sortof freaked me out. It's a lot of pressure to be attractive! What if I look totally average the next time I see one of those 145 people? (I did.) What if I never learn to do my hair like that any everybody I meet is like "you should consider going back to that one really awesome hair day you had that one time..."? What if I let my hair grow all long and nasty again?

*sigh*

Knowing your potential is stressful. So please, join me in the lowering of expectations so I dare come out in public again?

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I Think I'm So Cool....

I sometimes feel like I get stuff. Tech stuff I mean. I'm totally clueless about life stuff, and people stuff, and other stuff. But tech stuff - I've got that.

Until I bust out Josh's old fitbit, wear it for 3 weeks and CANNOT get the dang thing to sync to my computer. Then I beg my little brother for help, and remember how old I am. Older than current tech, which lands me squarely out of the loop.

I won't lie, I feel this feeling (out of the loop) a lot. I start thinking I understand something, then someone say something that rocks my world and reminds me that I am clueless. Always and forever.

*sigh*

Maybe next year I'll get it better.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Ants

Wanna know what's cool about an ant farm?

You have a container full of space gel, and you dump some icky bugs in it, and then before you know it....you see a city. And you're sucked into their lives. You see them do abominable things (playing with dead bodies? Ew!) and watching their little feelers move around their big beady eyes gives you the chills; but you still watch. Fascinated by the whole thing.

So here's the abbreviated version of #amysantfarm

My boss gave me an ant farm for Christmas. I thought it was totally weird, but he was couldn't have been more excited if he was 7 years old and lighting them on fire with a magnifying glass. So...I went with it.

The solid block of space glue

Just add ants
But wait - that ant 2nd from the left is missing his abdomen! World, meet NoBody.

Oooh hard-working ants. Good job little insects. And good morning NoBody (on the Right)

NoBody, you're a party animal, all hanging from the ceiling and stuff.

ants busy doing ant things.
4. NoBody has to have set a record for ant survival with half his being missing.

Enter Buster. (the bully.)

The day NoBody went missing. 

No more pictures from here on out because the star of our show died a horrible death and was torn apart by Buster. His body parts all strewn about the ant farm. It's disgusting and sad. 

The Extras (all the other ants who are unrecognizable) are still just hanging out, doing their ant thing. But ever since NoBody died, they're significantly less interesting. 

But they're still the only thing in this house that improves when left alone. So......

Sunday, February 2, 2014

1, 2, 3, many many many

Little John is at that phase of speech development where every day he says something I didn't know he could say the day before.

Today we looked at a book and started to count the elephants on the page. "wan......toooooo.......freeeee.......manymanymanymanymany" he counted.

He's growing unreasonably quickly. Last week I came home and Josh informed me that Tommy spent a good 30 minutes teaching John how to climb out of his crib. Josh put John back in bed at least 30 times that night.

So the next day, I took the front of the crib off to make it just a regular old bed. John saw what I'd done and cried immediately climbing in and out over the side over and over again. He was pretty mad that I ruined his new trick.



That's the reason one of the grownups stands outside their bedroom door for at least an hour every night. So when they escape we can scare put them back in bed. Bedtime is significantly less fun than it was 2 weeks ago. But even when we try really hard, it's impossible not to laugh when Little John peeks out the door, sees us standing there, and runs fast back to bed giggling like a maniac the whole way. He thinks it's a game, and a dang fun game too. He's sure lucky he's adorable.

Nap time is....well....virtually non-existent. Which I should probably be mourning over, but since I started working a year ago, I haven't experienced one of his nap times in at least that long. So I'm not nearly as sad as Josh and Katy are. Until about 6:59 when he is totally exhausted and completely unreasonable.

Meh, we'll have at least "many many many many many" more nights to work on it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Where I've been

Years from now I'll look back at my blog books (yet to be printed...) and find a giant hole during the end of 2013. And then I'll wonder what on earth happened that made me so incapable of writing during the holidays.

The truth is that while it's been an emotional, tiring, stressful and often frustrating few months for us, it certainly hasn't been the hardest months of our lives or the busiest or the least blog-worthy.

So there's really no good reason not to have written. Except that I'm trying hard to live my life. Instead of spending so much time re-living and pre-living.

November was largely spent packing, moving, rental-house hunting and worrying.
At the same time we lost our incredible tenants at the house we still own. So we also spent many hours driving back and forth between here and NSL for showings, repairs, frozen pipes, and other concerns.
Then of course there was the usual holiday shuffle.
Beyond that my ever-present anxiety decided that this was all far too much for a person of my caliber to handle. So things here have left much to be desired in terms of happiness and stability.

The good news is that with the regularity of the new year, the routine, the lack of obligations and the joy of an empty calendar, all of this is becoming easier every day.

So to my future self who can't remember what was going on? Plenty. All of it worth writing about. None of it compelling enough to drag me out of my own brain and onto my computer.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Christmas 2013

The thing about having an awesome job in nursing is that you get a lot of regular old weekdays off. Which is thoroughly enjoyable for a person like me who would rather go to the zoo in the bitter cold of January on a Wednesday and have the whole place to myself with no special programs, shows, or animals than go in July with all the cool stuff and all the people too.

Anyway, this year Josh had to work a full day on Christmas Day, so back in November he asked the person who was working Christmas Eve if she wanted to do half days of both with him so they could be be around for stuff with their families on both days and she was all for it.

But then just before Thanksgiving another lady he works with asked him if he could cover for her Christmas Eve afternoon so she could leave earlier in the day to drive to CA to see her kids. She's a single mom, and her working in the afternoon would mean she'd leave Utah at 7pm and drive all night to be there for Christmas morning - or miss it. Of course he said yes.

So he wound up working most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning. Which is why our Christmas Day pictures (which number a grand total of 30) were taken at 2pm and they have pictures of a progressively drooping (and eventually sleeping) dad in the background.


He was totally exhausted, but the boys were happy to slowly open their presents and lick a bit of every dang piece of candy the dumbest (and most panicked) Santa in the world gave them.

They both got new colored pencils and notebooks for the car. Tommy has finally taken up coloring (thank you Preschool!) and John is following because if there's one thing these boys love, it's doing the same thing.


Tommy got Magnetix. Santa is stupid. It boasts on the box "108 pieces!" and Santa thought "he'll think it's so cool to build stuff with these tiny magnetic pieces!" But that was false. What is fun is taking all of these pieces out of the box and making the "longest pewer (gun. cuz guns say "pew!") ever." And then stringing that pewer out in the middle of the floor. On the other hand, Tommy is happy. So Santa is a little smart.


They were just so happy to *finally* open their presents, and Josh was so excited, and every new present was exciting and fun and very very interesting.

After slowly opening presents and John taking a nap while Tommy touched EVERYthing, we left the mess in the living room and went to visit the grandmas. Which was (as always) a lovely time. 

We stopped at Grandma Egbert's and exchanged gifts and did puzzles and looked at her amazing Christmas village. The boys had a blast. 

Then we went to Grandma Reilley's and exchanged gifts and ate food and sat around talking and playing withe gifts until well past bedtime. We all had a beautiful time. 

The boys were especially excited about the marble run that Grandma Reilley gave them. 


We set it up and ran it over and over again. Now it's part of our morning routine, wake up, dump out the marble run pieces and start whacking each other with "the longest pewer ever" then run as many marbles as we can find (2 or 3 usually...we need more marbles) down it until "pewering" sounds more fun again.

Oddly, Josh working made our holiday even better than normal. It was mellow, and slow and calm and relaxed. We were excited longer than normal, and we had a beautiful time.

I got family pictures from the fabulous Tracy Layne and Josh got a Kindle Fire. Both things we've wanted for a long time and have been saving for, and it just so happened that we found great deals in time for Christmas that lined up with our saved cash.

Josh's only surprise was a cooshy (but wildly unattractive) bath mat because we'd been using an old towel on the floor since we moved in. Though it sounds like a super lame gift, this was my embracing his cooshiness. Letting him be him.

By far the best part of Christmas for me was opening a gift from Josh. He wrote a letter that I'll save for the rest of my life and read often.

And of course, because I know you're dying to know, the boys both got flashlights. And spare batteries. But not too many spare batteries because batteries are stupid-expensive. I think next year they'll get crank flashlights and can fuel them with their own power.


Sunday, January 12, 2014

Being A Mom

I've been struggling with balancing work and home life. I'm torn between wanting to quit to stay home with my babes, and really loving my job and never wanting to give it up.

There are plenty of days that I hate my job, and I hate going to work, and I just want to stay home and read stories with my kids, and sit with them to build marble runs, and eat cereal out of the box for lunch. But that's what weekends are for, right?

There are also plenty of days that I wipe my brow dramatically as I drive off to talk to grown ups, thanking my lucky stars that I don't have to sit and build marble runs, or read the Cat In The Hat one more time, and I can eat a whole meal (a real one even!) all by myself without sharing.

So you see, I'm torn. Just like every other mom I know. 

Of course none of that has anything to do with our finances which mostly require my employment. But I sometimes wonder, if I wasn't working, would we be able to adjust to life without my income? Are we within the adjustable range? Or is it really really necessary for me to work? As stupid as it sounds, this is the least of my worries. I'm far more concerned about whether or not my kids are happy (they are) and I am happy (often) and Josh is happy (usually).

For now I am happy to keep working. Though I have bad days during which I text Josh saying "tell me I love me job? Because I can't remember right now." And he does.

Being happy with working also means making extra effort to thoroughly enjoy the time I am not working.

On Wednesday afternoons I leave work a couple of hours early, and I come home determined to be a fun mom. The kind on pinterest. The kind my boys get to boss around. The kind I wish I could be all the time, but simply lack the patience to be.

So this Wednesday, when I walked in the door and the babies came running for me (there's nothing quite like someone being SO happy to see you, is there?) they immediately told me they wanted to go outside. So I dropped my bag on the kitchen table and we got on our snow clothes. All of us. But especially Little John. Who couldn't put his arms down if he tried.



I thought we'd just play in the backyard for while, which we did. Even built a snowman (while singing about building a snowman - thank you Frozen) and "threw a snowball fight" (thank you Tommy) but before long John started walking down the street.



For every ounce of Tommy never wanting to leave my side, John has a pound of explorer in him. He can't stand to be in the backyard when there's a perfectly good sidewalk leading somewhere RIGHT THERE! So I followed him, and Tommy followed me, and we decided to go to the park. Once Tommy realized we had a destination, he took the lead and insisted that we "follow my froot-pints!" and we did.


In case you're a idiot  first time mom, let me help you with one concept. Wet slides are water slides. And water slides are slippery. And if you're trying to take an adorable picture of your child going down the slide, you're likely to catch one of these.



And at the end of that, is a baby on his bum who has just launched 2 feet from the end of the slide. Of course this means he doesn't want to go down again without you, so of course you go up to slide down and show him how it's done. Which is a nice idea, but when you wind up on your butt 2 feet from the end of the slide you sortof feel foolish.

So, the equation is: snow + plastic slide + snowpants = shooting down the slide like a bobsled. You're welcome.



Of course eventually we learned that it was more fun for me to stay on the ground and catch the babes as they shot out off the end of the slide. 

Those are the kinds of days that leave me loving motherhood. Playing in the snow, hot chocolate, bubbles baths, and home in time to make dinner? Lovely. 

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