Anxiety

It's that time of the month. No. Not that time of them month. The time of the month when I know I'm teaching Relief Society tomorrow.

It's not like I've ever given a horrible lesson that resulted in anybody leaving the church (I hope...) or me getting excommunicated or anything. And mostly people give the lesson for me because my ward is really great like that. But none of that matters. I'm still nervous and uncomfortable.

The worst part? This feeling won't go away until I'm too distracted tomorrow afternoon to think of all the things I couldda shouldda wouldda said. Instead this feeling will get stronger and my body will only get shakier.

I read the lesson a few weeks ago. It's great. It's about temples.

I've been thinking about the lesson (and temples) for 3+ weeks.

But this week the panic has slowly been setting in. Sunday I listened to Elise teach her lesson and loved it (of course, I always do). That's when the anxiety started to descend and settle.

It starts with the comparison of me and Elise. I won't bore you with the details, but she's beautiful, and eloquent, and spiritually advanced. I'm me.

The next phase is realizing that I can't just stand there and read the lesson out of the book because that's boring. Which leads to me speaking. Outloud. In public. To public who will see me again. Soon.

Then I realize that I'm going to have to come up with something to say while I stand there in front of the class looking like....well, me.

At this point my heart starts to beat harder and my palms start to sweat and I picture everybody in my ward with vampire fangs, devil horns, and fire behind their pitchfork-holding perfect little bodies. I just know they're all waiting for me to say something stupid so they can attack me. They're waiting for me to trip over my own (trembling) feet. They're waiting for me to walk up to the front of the class with my skirt tucked into my underwear.

Starting this morning, my mind will not rest until I know I have 40 minutes of worthwhile things to say even though I've never said more than 10 minutes worth of anything....

My brain won't stop reviewing all of the embarrassing things I could tell the whole ward about me and Josh. That's a long list and it comes to me all day long.

It's Egbert's Law. Hand me a microphone and I will embarrass myself.

So, one Saturday of every month is spent locked up in my room, reading, researching and trying to write. Taking deep breathes and heavy sighs. Trying to come up with something, ANYTHING that will make this lesson worthwhile.

Tomorrow it only gets worse. I can usually sit through Sacrament Meeting OK, but Sunday School triggers the shaking, trembling, sweating, and nervous laughter. I can't carry on a normal conversation, or sit still, and by the time we're through the announcements at the beginning of Relief Society it's a good thing I have to stand at the front because if I sit in that chair one second longer, I know I will give a very educational display of spontaneous combustion.

So, farewell sane, unanxious world. Farewell to the non-crazies. I'll see you again tomorrow, but for now I join the land of the slightly psychotic and very nervous public speakers.