3 days

Yesterday Josh called me at work.

I could tell something was wrong by the way he said "......hi" when I said "hi babe!" in my normal "excited to hear from you" voice.

His Dad had just died and he was still in shock. I was in shock. It took me nearly 20 minutes to realize that it was real and start the crying.

He had been in ICU overnight. We didn't know about that.

He has been really sick since I met him 4 years ago (in a wheelchair and unable to do much, if anything, on his own) and getting worse and worse for the past few months. We did know that.

He's been in and out of the hospital and so sick for so long that I kindof figured he would be forever. For that reason it's completely shocking that he's gone. But the truth is that he's been so sick for so long it's amazing he lived as long as he did. Meleta and Ben took good care of him and if Meleta wasn't the expert nurse that she is who knows what would have happened.

When Josh's Grandpa died earlier this year I learned that I could take 3 days off if I needed them to help with the funeral and mourn and become a real person again. I didn't. 3 days seemed like an eternity, that's more than half the week! I could count on one hand the number of conversations I'd had with him, and while I cared for him, I just didn't have a lot to do to help. 3 days seemed like eternity.

Somehow now 3 days seems so short. Only 3 days?

Day 1: Find out he died. Cry. Visit the family and body in the hospital. Cry. Remember that Baby Thomas needs to eat. Cry again. Reminisce. Cry more. Try to pretend life is normal by doing a load of laundry. Cry while it's washing. Forget it is there and leave it for later. Who can do laundry at a time like this anyway? Cry because it's "a time like this". Call other family members. Cry with them. Etc.
Day 2: Funeral arrangements.
Day 3: Funeral.
Day 4: Back to work?

Really? Is that even reasonable? 3 days...72 hours....

We drove to work this morning (I figured I'd be more useful at work than anywhere else, and since it didn't look the like the funeral would be until Monday or Tuesday anyway....I'd need my 3 days later on) looking at all of the cars around us thinking that they had no idea how different today was.  They had no idea how life will never be the same. They're all just going to work totally oblivious to the hurt, the loss, the pain.

When we told Ron we were pregnant he got all excited that he'd live at least long enough to meet his grandchildren. He was relieved that we were finally going to give him a grandbaby and that he'd certainly live 8 more months to meet that grandbaby. Yesterday he told the kidney Dr. that they had to keep him alive long enough to meet his grandkids (Misty is due in December) and after that he could go.

Some are convinced he was just trying to cut in line and get to hold Baby Thomas and Baby Cason before their own dads (or anyone else) get to. Rude.

Josh is the oldest son and suddenly feeling his age. His dad's dad died in his early 50's due to a heart attack. His dad died in his early 50's due to....well there's no official reason because there were a million things. If that trend continues Josh is halfway through his life now. Right now. That's more than a little sobering. Meanwhile he suddenly has a lot of responsibility.

On top of losing his Father, who is very much a piece of him. He worries a lot about Meleta, his step mom. Ben (his little brother) will be going on a mission at the end of the year which will leave Meleta here alone.

On one hand, the woman is stronger than anyone I've ever known. She might enjoy the peace and quiet for the first time in her life. She's very independent and capable of....well anything. The woman is amazing.

But on the other hand, what if she needs something/someone. What if we flit off to Montana (looking like a very real possibility again) and Ben is serving a mission 10 million miles away, and Misty & Ryan are in St. George and nobody is here to take care of her? I'm not vain enough to think she actually needs us...but what if she needs us?

I can't imagine how she's feeling now. I can't imagine how Ben feels. Or really even how Josh and Misty feel. All I know is that I spent enough of the morning crying that my eyes were bloodshot by lunch. I wish I knew how to help. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I felt like enough of a grown up to deal with things like this. I wish I knew the right words to say and the right things to do. I'm totally and completely helpless and I am experiencing nowhere near the worst of it.

With Ron's incredibly poor health, I can honestly say that I know he's better off. It's one of those things you say to make yourself feel better in a situation like this, but he really was miserable here. He hasn't been able to walk or move or do things on his own since....I don't even know when. As for the rest of us, I suppose eventually we'll just drive to work being totally oblivious to the person in the car next to us, for whom the world has just ended.