Am I crazy?

I know that everybody knows that nobody but the Dr. can ACTUALLY see what’s going on in that ultrasound.  I know that nobody is going to judge me when I say I really couldn’t have picked that heartbeat out of the crowd….er…static.

What I don’t know is whether or not I’m crazy for thinking that our baby’s “heartbeat” looked exactly like every other flicker on the tv screen. For all I know there could’ve been 29 heartbeats in there. Yes I saw the flicker. It was steady and fast. Yes I could tell what you were circling with the little ‘x’ cursor on the screen. But, I don’t think it was the only thing flickering on there. And I’m not entirely convinced that it was the “coolest thing I’ve ever seen” maybe that comes later. Along with hearing the heartbeat? Am I the only women who ever walked out of an ultrasound 2 times in a row thinking “come on – we have people walking around on the moon, they actually KNOW what hot dogs are made of, some human beings actually ran a 4 minute mile and I can pause ‘live’ tv. Really? You can’t get a better picture than that?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t think it’s amazing that Dr. Man (by the way, his actual name is Dr. Ward, but I’m referring to him as Dr. Man because I think it sounds cooler. But you gotta say it right. “DOCtorMan” emphasis on “doc”) can put his little camera in me and find all of my internal organs and see something growing inside me that is 7 millimeters big. It’s just that….well, I can watch a football game that’s currently happening a million miles away in my living room and the football looks larger than the XL pizza that just magically showed up at my door. BUT when I’m sitting RIGHT THERE he can’t even provide a full color picture? Really?!?!

The rest of the visit with Dr. Man (see? It’s cooler now that you’re saying right, right?) was relatively straightforward. He said that we’re 6 weeks and something days along and put the official due date at October 20^th. When I told my mom, she said that I have already had what is officially the longest pregnancy of all time. She’s right. That means we found out when I was 2.5 weeks along and as any good Web site (thanks for the appropriate wording on that Katie…) will tell you, the first 2 weeks don’t really count.  So really I found out pretty much as soon as humanly possible. Also the same “good” Web site thought I was 6 weeks at that point. Then when I went to the Dr. 2 weeks later he said I was maybe 6 weeks. And again yesterday I was six weeks. Week 6 of this pregnancy has lasted almost a month. Which is insane.

All in all, the visit left me with one (or two….ok fine 25) enormous sighs of relief and one kinda freaked out husband. “Wait, we’re actually having a baby? We need to find some more money!” 

My baby has a heart

And this morning I could see it beating.

Dear Baby, remember our deal?

Last week after we visited with Dr. Man you and I had a chat. Since you don't really have ears yet, and probably your short term memory doesn't exist, I just thought I'd give you a gentle reminder.

We made a deal. I would begin to feed you that folic stuff that Dr. Man said would make your brain develop and continue to do so until you are fully developed or Dr. Man says it won't help anymore; and you, in turn, promised me that you'd pose beautifully and smile for the camera on our next Dr. visit and for every other camera for the rest of your life.

You may think it isn't fair because "the rest of your life" is technically longer than the 9 month pregnancy but here are 3 reasons it's perfectly fair.

1. Folic stuff comes in horse sized pills. And they're yucky. And I'm bad at remembering to take stuff. So this is a sacrifice I am making for you.
2. Smiling is good for you anyway. This is not really a sacrifice on your part. It burns calories and I already know you'll look beautiful smiling, so you'll want to do it anyway.
3. These 9 months are probably going to feel longer to me than your entire life will feel to you.

So, sweet child of mine, please remember your part of the bargain tomorrow. I'll be happy to remind you again, just in time for the camera. You know....because I love you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off..

Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I just coated the entire pair of nylons with clear nail polish before I even leave in the morning. Really. Where's the harm in that?

sometimes i just wait for the phone to ring

A big part of my job is answering the phone. Not just my phone, but a lot of people's phones. Remember how some big boss way up the line who I've never met decided that anybody who calls should talk to a live human being?

I drew the short straw. Also I'm new girl. That's why I have to stay until 5:00 when every other person on this floor, and probably in the building leaves at or before 4:15. To answer all of the calls that come in between 4:15 and 5:00. Wanna know how many calls that is? Well, last week I had 1. And it was somebody "important" so it's a good thing I was here. That's it.

In the morning I love that I'm the "late shift". However, when it's 4:37 and the last time my phone made any kind of noise whatsoever was at 2:48, I really just want to go home.

Most days while I'm "waiting for the phone to ring" I have plenty of work to do, and I love the last 45 minutes of the day because it's quiet and I can get a lot done. But some days, it's all I can do to wait for the phone to ring.

Today I'm not feeling well, I'm dizzy and hot and sortof feel like I do just before I pass out. I'm starving (stupid vending machine is out of lunchables and my Reilley-baby doesn't like sugar, which rules out everything else in the vending machine.) and I'm sick. I can hardly breathe and I certainly can't see straight. I can feel myself getting weaker and now that I've remembered I have to drive myself home, I'm seriously considering sleeping in the parking lot. I'm exhausted and I feel like I haven't slept in a week. I'd take the elevator up the 2 flights of stairs to get to my car, except I'm not sure I can stand up long enough for the elevator to make it clear down here.

So, instead of working on the things I should, I'm sortof half-sitting up at my desk. Mostly leaning down on my arms while I type. I'm staring at the phone jedi-mind-tricking it into not ringing. I'm trying to make a plan for what I'm going to eat and where I'm going to find it, only nothing sounds good. Only I'm starving. Only I don't know if I can choke anything down.

These are some of the reasons I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant.

Sunday Dinner kind of guy.

Sunday dinner is kindof a big deal for me. I like it, I've always liked it. My mom always did the typical Sunday dinner, and even now when everybody comes home, it's a happy event.

I like that there is good food, and plenty of it.
I like that the conversation is relaxed, and happy, and non-pressured.
I like that at some point we discuss the lessons from church that day.
Mostly though, I like the people who come to Sunday dinner.

Growing up we didn't play with our friends on Sunday which bugged me to no end. But, it means now that Sunday is a family day. Now that I like my family as much as my friends (if not more), it's a great thing to have a whole day reserved just for them.

However, there are some non-family people who I would love to have Sunday Dinner with. Some people who you catch tiny bits of their fascinating life from pieces of overheard conversations. I'd just love to sit down with them for an hour over a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy, meat, homemade rolls, and salad and just listen to them talk about their life experiences.

These are NOT the same people I want to hang out with on Friday night or have over for games and Pizza on Saturday. They are also not the kind of people I want to sit around eating ice cream with and watching a movie. These are specifically Sunday Dinner people.

Like one of my bosses at work (not Batman) who randomly told me that kavod (I think.....) is the Hebrew word for "glory and work" and that it also means "burden" interesting huh? So then he started quote some scriptures that it makes a difference in and it was a very cool conversation. I thanked him for sharing with me, and asked him why he knows so much stuff.

"I studied it" he said. I'm not sure if that means he went to church on Sundays and read some books by Maxwell, or if it means he studied in college and has a PhD in Hebrew and Jesus' life. Either way. I want him to come to Sunday Dinner at my parents  house. I want to hear him discuss cool stuff like that with my Daddy and Mom because they know cool stuff like that too.

I do NOT want him to be interrupted with Monopoly or Spades. I do want him to be interrupted with my constant flow of questions. And I want to be amazed that he knows the answers to every single one of them. This is a Sunday Dinner kind of guy and I really hope that sometime I get to pick his brain like that. He's just so full of cool stuff like that! Maybe I could bribe him to move into my ward and teach Sunday School? He'd be good there too....Do you think if I made mashed potatoes and brought them to work he'd sit down and tell me everything he knows? No....I didn't think so either....

The couples tag

♥ What are your middle names? 
Josh's is Adam, mine is Lavina. Yes. it's a family name. Yes. I'm from Utah.  


♥ How long have you been together? 
Dating 3 years.  Married 2.


♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? 
3 years...but we really didn't know each other that well, and we talked maybe twice a year during that time. Once we started hanging out, we fell madly in love and...well now we're married.


♥ Who asked who out? 
Umm...the first date may not have really been a date.He had a girlfriend, I had a missionary....but if it did count...he wanted to HANG out, I bailed, I told him I was going out with some friends, he kinda invited himself along, and paid, and THEN my friends and I decided it was a date.
If it was the first REAL date he asked me out.


♥ Where was your first date? 
For the fake one that I decided was a date, We went to Training Table, (where he claims I tried to kill him. He says something about food poisoning and choking on his ice. We've never been back since...) and saw Bewitched at the dollar theater, then took a scenic drive home.
For the real one we went to Village Inn, a drive in the canyon, and to the Ceregem beds. The people at the Ceregem store joke that he "took me to bed" on the first date. Scandalous huh?


♥ How old are each of you? 
Josh is 25. Seriously. Weird huh? I'm 23. Also weird, but not as weird as Josh.  


♥ Whose siblings do/did you see the most? 
Probably his. But it's close. We're big on family. It helps that our family is so fun to hang out with.  


♥ Do you have any children together? 
Not just yet, but we certainly will.  


♥ What about pets? 
Josh is allergic. But we do have a lot of plants.  


♥ Did you go to the same school? 
Nope.  


♥ Are you from the same home town? 
Nope. I grew up in Lindon, Josh in West Jordan. When we were dating that was A HUGE difference. In real life, it's like a 25 minute drive.


♥ Who is the smartest? 
Josh. But, we are WAY different kinds of smart. Josh can build/fix/understand anything. I can pass tests on subjects I have no clue about.  


♥ Who is the most sensitive? 
That would be me. But we both have our moments.


♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? 
Probably Cafe Rio. It's fast enough, and nice enough, without being McDonald's, or anything too expensive (clearly we don't go to expensive places since I can't even think of ONE to put the name of here...)


♥ Who does the cooking? 
Me, but he isn't opposed to doing it. And to be honest I don't cook that much. mostly we're snackers at night....Every time I cook Josh makes this big huge deal of it and goes on and on "my wife is such a great cook!", "I'm so lucky to be married to you.", "I'm so glad you're so good to me." You'd think I'd do it more often with that kind of encouragement, but mostly I'm not hungry enough at night to eat something real...or maybe it's that I'm not patient enough at night to wait for me to cook something...whatever, same thing.


♥ Who is more social? 
Josh, without a doubt. He always wants to get out and play with people, I want to sit at home with him every night.  And blog. Blogging is my idea of social.


♥ Who is the neat-freak? 
Both of us, about different things. I like things closed, and wiped off. He's the one who will randomly pull out the oven, fridge, AND washer/dryer and clean behind and under them. Have I mentioned that I love him? I do.


♥ Who is the more stubborn? 
Probably neither. Or both. I don't know. (Does that mean it's me?)  Mostly we're both pretty laid back.


♥ Who hogs the bed? 
JOSH! Sometimes I push him over using all available strength and appendages (it sounds harsh, but really it's 3am and there isn't a lot of strength to draw on...). Sometimes I get out of bed and just take his side. We could really go in circles like that all night long.  


♥ Who wakes up earlier? 
Naturally? Josh. Due to demand...we usually get up at the same time. But he likes it. I'm generally grumpy.  


♥ Who has the bigger family? 
Um...my family is older so there are more of "the next generation" in mine, but his is bigger in our generation.  Mine feel bigger when we all get together because in the words of our sealer "wall to wall kids could mean just one because a kid can get from one wall to other other pretty quickly"


♥ Do you get flowers often? 
I don't think it counts as often, but I don't come home every day wishing I had flowers either....so I'm happy.  


♥ How do you spend the holidays? 
With each other. And we try to trade off families every year. It's one of the things I hate most about the Holiday seasons. Worse than buying stuff for people. I hate the demand, the number of parties, the expectations and the hurt feelings. If I had my way we'd just invite all of our families to come to our house....NOT likely.


♥ Who is more jealous? 
Neither.  


♥ How long did it take to get serious? 
Um. Well, our first date was August 25th, the second a week later, and from the next week on we talked or hung out every single day until we were married. I fell for him, hard and FAST. What can I say? He's charming!  


♥ Who does/did the laundry? 
I like to think it's equal, but that probably means Josh does it more and I'm in denial. He's just so great! Really I sort things (because he doesn't understand the importance of sorting things, and I told him he was not allowed to put things in the washer that I have not approved first), and he puts them in, and takes them out and leaves them in a big wrinkley pile on the bed/couch until one of us breaks down and puts them away. Not the greatest system, but whatever.


♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? 
We have our moments, but I have a hard time pinning down one recurring problem...maybe we haven't been married long enough....or maybe we're just insanely and abnormally happy.  


♥ Who’s better with the computer? 
Me. He's learning though.


♥ Who drives when you are together? 
Usually Josh. I'm not a great driver. But if our options are me or Josh with his eyes closed, we usually choose me....usually.


♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? 
Alaska. But hopefully that's just the beginning.....  


♥ Who has the worst temper? 
Meh. No major temper in this house. It's funny because sometimes I get so mad when he "looses his temper" because he mutters fake cuss words under his breath. Like "son of a bishop!" or "freakin' fetchin'" and then I'm all offended because he has "no control" that's funny huh? Because in real life that's nowhere near losing a temper.

Test Results

They called back with my hormone level test results.

"They", of course, being the nurse, or office assistant. I'm not sure which. "They", of course, not being the Dr. "They", of course, not knowing all of the answers to the questions I'd ask.

They called me at work, which really means they called when I didn't have the presence of mind or time or bravery to ask everything I wanted to.

They said that it came back at 6,000 then mumbled a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember because I was busy reacting to the 6,000 number. "Wait. Is that good? Or bad? We were hoping for low, he said 500 at some point during the discussion. 6,000 is definitely not as low as 500. He said it maxes out at 100,000. 6,000 is definitely NOT has high as 100,000. He also said the number 10-20,000, but I don't remember what he said about those numbers! Were those good or bad? Is 6,000 OK? Did she just say miscarriage? Heartbeat? Hey wait! What'd I miss?!?!?!"

After review the "conversation" 20 gajillion times in my head in the past 20 minutes, I think she said that at those levels they should be able to see/hear the heartbeat, so if I start to bleed or miscarry not to panic just to call them. Like it's no big deal. Then she said he'd still like me to come in for another ultrasound next week so we verified my appointment for Wednesday morning.

I thought that getting the results would let me breath a huge sigh of relief, or give me cause for freaking out.  Not leave me just as confused as before.

Would you believe that when you google the number '6,000' with the words 'pregnancy' and 'hormones' you don't get ANYTHING helpful at all? Seriously.

Fortunately Josh found his "everything is fine" button and pushed it. Hard. He's not concerned. At all. Which is good, because really, one of us needs to be OK.

I work for Batman

I think my boss might be Batman.

Also I think his office might have a secret tunnel to every other place on campus.  Without the tunnel, he has to walk by my desk to get out of our area. Somehow he’s getting out without walking past me. I know it because I don’t see him. When he was in his office just a few minutes ago, he’s suddenly out of his office without walking past my desk. The only reasonable explanation is that there is a secret tunnel somewhere in his office. I kindof want to find it…..will keep you posted.

Also, just now when he walked down the hall (he must have been bored of the secret passageway) when he took off his suit jacket, I swear he looked exactly like Bruce Wayne when he takes off his tux jacket while walking down the hall and he’s in a hurry to become Batman.

Any ideas on how to find out for sure if he really is Batman?

The empty womb.

I had my first “I’m pregnant” visit with the Dr. today.

It was kindof bittersweet. We had an ultrasound that showed…..well…..nothing. Mostly just an empty womb.

So he sticks his camera in me and we see black. And a lot of it. Then he zooms in. And we see gray…nothing. And he zooms in again. And then he points to a tiny little blob. And tells me that’s my gestational sac. Then says “If you really use your imagination, you can kindof see another circle right here inside it” I squinted, and tilted my head, and could barely see it. “That’s your yolk sac, and it’s full of all the nutrients the baby needs.  And right here is where we should see your baby. Since it’s not there, it could be a miscarriage, or it could just be that you’re not as far along as we think you are.”

It makes sense that I wouldn’t be that far along because my periods had been so crazy, and 4 months apart. That means I wasn’t ovulating 2 weeks after my period because…well, because I wasn’t.

I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so dang excited. I could hardly wait to see our baby for the first time. I kept thinking of how it would feel, and how I could put it into words (because let’s be honest, we all knew I’d be blogging today). I thought of the relief it would be the when the Dr. said “everything looks great here! This baby looks happy and healthy, we’ll see you back here in ___ weeks.” I imagined how thrilled I would be. I could see myself crying (out of joy) with Josh again because everything is finally working out. I was thrilled to come back to work and when Karleen and Aundrea asked how it was, I would tell them just how incredible it was to see everything. What an amazing feeling it is to have a child growing inside of me. I couldn’t wait for that look they both do when something SO cool has happened to someone they care about (me).

Instead there wasn’t anything there and nice Dr. Man said “I can’t tell you everything looks good yet because we can’t really see anything. It isn’t necessarily bad, but it still could be.” They can ‘only’ (I know it’s a miracle that we can see anything at all, but am I a bad person for thinking it isn’t fair? Why not like ¼ of a millimeter? It’s just a little smaller…..) see things that are bigger than 1 millimeter, so if I’m only 5 weeks along, that would explain why there just isn’t anything to see yet.

The bottom line is that I’ll go back next week. At this stage, the tadpole is growing like 1 millimeter a day (isn’t it amazing that we know that?) so by this time next week, it’ll be 7 times the size it currently is, and we’ll easily be able to see it.

When Dr. Man first said all that, my heart sunk a little. I was just so excited to see our baby. I was so thrilled to know that everything was OK. And now everything was not OK. Seeing an empty womb is almost (not quite, but almost) as bad as seeing a negative pregnancy test, and it kindof broke my heart.

Dr. Man also mentioned that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, which really freaked Josh out. I’m not sure he really recovered from that actually. He is nervous and worried and we’re both just hoping and praying that everything is fine. 1 in 4 was a relief to me because I’ve read stuff saying up to 40%...25% seems much better.

When I told Aundrea (who is always the first person to get any news in my life) she said “that’ll never go away. You’ll never stop worrying about your kids.” Which is a valid point. I guess this is just the beginning of this phase of our lives and I suppose this is the least of our worries.

The took my blood so they could check my hormone levels (would it have been a bad thing to tell Dr. Man that I have exhibited evidence of abnormally high hormone levels. Crying for no good reason. Being WAY too happy about the snow. Having zero patience for my dishwasher which failed to turn itself on and forced me to use a big spoon for cereal…), if they’re high (the test maxes out at 100,000), that’s bad, if they’re low (we’re hoping for 500) that’s good. So, I guess we’ll see what comes of that. I’m no medical expert, but today kindof feels like a 100,000 day….

Mostly I feel OK about it, but Josh being nervous and worried makes me nervous and worried. He’s normally the “I’m sure it’s fine, stop worrying.” guy. So, when he gets nervous I get REALLY nervous.

Here’s hoping that my hormones are lower than they feel, and my baby is growing at a steady pace so that next week we find one full womb.

On a lighter note, Josh got to watch the nurse lady feed the fish and pull all the snails off the wall while I was checking in. He really loves that Nemo tank. Someday, if he's really good, he might get a fish tank for his birthday.....

What the heck?

OK I'm not sure if it's the baby, or the sickness, or the fact that I've had about 20 gallons of water today. But I swear every time I cough I just about pee my pants.

So I have to know, honestly: is all the hype about buying diapers for the moms or the babies?

Oh! What a Beautiful Morning!!!

I'm not sure what it is about the snow that makes me so happy. But there is definitely something there.

While I hate driving on ice, I LOVE driving through the snow when it's just starting to fall. The flakes are huge and beautiful and they look like snow.  It hasn't stuck the roads yet, which means that only 65% of the drivers are idiots. It's soft and gentle. It's clean and white.

When you drive through it and the wind is blowing it, sometime it looks like you're driving through the stars (like on star wars video games....). When there's not a steady wind, but small wind gusts I love the way it dances around in the air before landing and starting to melt. I love feeling the cold light flakes landing on my face. And I love it when one sticks to my eyelashes, keeping it's perfect snowflake form while it melts. I'm not even mad that I blow dried my hair today (not a common occurrence) and that it will be icky and wavy instead of straight like it was when I left.

I'm just in a good mood today. I'm happy to be alive and happy to be here. I'm not tired and grouchy and sick. I love my job. I love my husband. I love the weather. I love my car. I love everything!

I always laugh at myself when I wake up feeling this sunshine-and-lollipop-esque. I know it's cheesy, but today my life is all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.....and enormous snowflakes on my eyelashes.

One thing I love about Josh is that he brings me dessert

One thing I love about Josh is that he brings me dessert.

Olive Garden is probably my all time favorite restaurant. Ever. But I don't mind that he goes without me with all of his work people all the time, because he always brings home the good stuff for me.

Sometimes cheesecake is a big important thing.

Mother Lesson #1: Just because the baby says the baby wants it, doesn't mean the baby will like it.

Won't it be nice when I can substitute appropriate pronouns into sentences like that? I think the English language takes a lot of crap for being unclear, but in reality, it's a lovely language, what with all the pronouns.

ANYWAY. Here's my first lesson in motherhood. The baby wanted Southwest Tater tots for lunch. I wanted salad for lunch. In my attempt to compromise we first ate tater tots, then ate salad (I know it's sick! But don't judge me, the guy across the table from me already did...).

You'd think I would've learned the "just because a kid SAYS they want to eat something, doesn't mean they'll like it" lesson from the time we borrowed my nephews for a weekend of fun and let them eat as much of their Halloween candy as they wanted because we were being the cool aunt/uncle....... Unfortunately, I didn't learn it then.

But I did learn it today. Southwest Tater tots are not a nutritious lunch, and the baby does NOT like them. Even if the baby tried to trick me into thinking that he/she would. This baby is a tricky one....but fortunately I'm a quick learner.

I got friends in high places…

The funny thing about finding out that you’re pregnant is that all of a sudden you feel justified in being exhausted and hungry and grouchy all the time. In real life (if I’m being honest….and I am) I’m not THAT more crazy/ornery/hungry/tired than I usually am. It’s just that now, all of a sudden, I have a free pass to say something about it, and DO something about it.

I’m allowed to eat all day long every day. And nobody will look at me weird if I smuggle fruit snacks to church.  I am allowed (and even expected) to take a nap as soon as I get home from work. Because “the baby is taking all of my energy to grow so much so fast”.

The best part? I went up to the cafeteria (because you know…I haven’t eaten in almost 2 hours and I’m STARVING) and I really REALLY wanted an apple. Only I can’t just bite into an apple because it’s all juicy and gross and contaminated and noisy and sticky. And the baby doesn’t like me to have sticky fingers while I’m working. Or maybe it’s me that doesn’t like that. Oh well. Who cares.

Anyway, I was whining about it to one of my very favorite people in the world, who happens to work in the cafeteria. “Do you want me to cut it for you?” Ummm…. “YES please!”

I seriously feel like I just found a gold mine. My friend will cut my apples for me! It’s like having my mommy take care of me, only better because she doesn’t tell me what my curfew is.

I’m just sayin’ it’s good to have friends who will take care of you when you suddenly have an excuse to ask for anything you want. Also it's good to have friends who are powerful enough to have access to a sharp knife at work.

You don't post enough

One thing that sucks about being home sick, when you're really just too sick to sound like you're well and everybody at work hates you for being disgusting and spreading your germs, so you quarantined yourself for the love of your coworkers, but not because you can't function, is that you get bored really fast.

There's really only one solution. Go shopping and spread my germs to unsuspecting strangers who I don't care about as much as my coworkers.

Ha! I win!

Babyzone has it!

I now have my list, by trimester, subcategorized by month, with checkboxes so I don't have to re-read the same items 20 times a day. Life is good.

Dear Internet

Remember when I got married any everybody wanted to give me a free list of everything I needed to do and when I needed to do it? Me too.

Why don't they have that for the baby? I can see what the child in my womb looks like at every day of the pregnancy. I can read what will happen to me, at every stage and how long it will take. I can go to the Dr. and get a picture taken of my baby which he will give me a copy of to take home. Before my baby is born I'll know how much it weighs, how big it's head is, and whether it's a boy or girl.

So why is it so hard for the Internet to give me a list of things to do in a beautiful dated layout? Why won't anyone say "buy this before this day, schedule this on this day, paint the walls before your enormous belly puts big round marks in your fresh paint because it's bigger than your arms can reach." Where is my to-do list? I can't possibly be the only human on the planet who would like to plan these things, can I? Google has failed me and I'm totally lost.

What the baby wants, the baby gets

I know that as you have more kids you learn new things to do and what not to do. I've only known about this baby for 4 days, and already I have a correction for next time.

I'm going to drag out the "the baby wants" phrase longer. It was worn out by Sunday afternoon.

"The baby wants you to hold me."
"The baby wants a drink of water."
"The baby wants you to stop buggin' me."
"The baby wants Cafe Rio and a chick flick."
"The baby wants to play Monopoly instead of Settlers."

I have to say, so far this is one highly intelligent baby. Unfortunately Josh and I are already sick of what "the baby wants" and now it turns into what "the baby needs" and we have a lot of changing to do in the next 8 months. (I think it's cheating that they count the first month before you even know. Then they tell you that you have/had 9 months to prepare but really...you didn't. I want my month back. Must remember this when it's been 9 3/4 months and I'm mad that it really takes that long to develop.)

The baby needs the massage room to be a nursery. But we need the money the massage room makes, and the storage stuff that's living in the closet, so we'll put it off as long as possible. I bet this isn't very long....

The baby needs a crib, stroller, carseat, clothes, diapers, a rocking chair, and blankets. We need to figure out how we'll survive. You know. Financially. It's funny to look at the people in our neighborhood which is FULL of dads who go to work, and moms who stay home.  Where do these men work? How can they afford houses so much bigger/better/nicer than ours, decorations for these houses, clothes (and trendy ones too!)  for themselves, their kids, and their dogs, AND eat 3 meals a day? I'm having a tough time with the math on this one....and I'm starting to suspect everyone I see of being a drug dealer.

The baby needs a nap. Roughly 4 times a day. Unfortunately the baby doesn't nap without me. So I need a nap. 4 times a day.

The baby needs to go to the Dr. A lot of times. And then the baby needs to live in the hospital for a little while. Remember the deal with all the money?

It was more fun when all we cared about was what the baby wanted. Cafe Rio. And Chick Flicks.

Social dilemma

Blogging has been one of my favorite hobbies. But it has also presented me with a whole bunch of new social dilemmas.

At what point do you stop “lurking” and make a comment on somebody’s blog? If you do it right away, you can do the “hey, I just found your blog!” thing, but the longer you’ve been lurking the harder it becomes to “come out”.

It’s just not as easy to say “hey! I know every detail of your life for the past year because I knew you had a blog, but you didn’t know that. So, I thought that I’d just pop up now and say ‘hey’ after 12 months full blown stalking. Don’t worry, we’ll catch up sometime.”

It’s just a sensitive subject, and one that gets quite a bit of thought from me.  I know that when somebody comments on my blog and says “hey I’ve been reading!” I think “yay! A new friend!” or “awww…..somebody cares enough about me to read my ridiculous ramblings” and I have never ever thought “dang. They found me!” or “what a creep, I can’t believe they’re reading all of the intimate details of my life that I only want to share with…..the entire internet.” So I decided to assume that other people would probably feel flattered or loved instead of creeped out and bugged.

But that’s not the only problem.

Just how intimate should this blog be? Well, I decided that honest and open blogs are usually more fun to read (and write). So, mostly I don’t keep secrets from The Blog (yes, it’s a proper noun…it’s pretty much a member of our family). But do I really dare tell the entire internet that we’re having a baby? When we just found out today?

My sisters don’t even tell us until they’re 3 months along (because that’s when it’s safe…right?) and when we first started trying, I told Josh I didn’t even want to tell our moms until we were 3 months along because it’s scary. And once you tell people, they know. And if something goes wrong, you have to un-tell people and that’s a horrible thing and would break your heart over and over again. Then Josh reminded me that if we don’t say anything, and then something goes wrong, you’ll probably tell them at the point anyway – right? Because it’s your mom! I tell my mom when I have a cold, there’s no way I wouldn’t mention something THAT huge right?

But that’s your mom. So even if you tell your mom, or your sisters, then you’ve just told your closest friends and family right?

But what about all of these people – most of whom I haven’t seen in at least 5 years. Most of whom I never even talk to. A few of whom I’ve never even MET. But I still feel like they are my closest friends? What’s the appropriate length of time to announce something like pregnancy? Do I still have to wait 3 months? What about how I’m whining about every second that I’m childless? Am I supposed to lie and keep up the façade? What if I “come out” and someone tells the RS president. And then the Bishop. And then I’m on that list that goes around in RS of “upcoming events” for people to know about? At that point can I really say that anybody doesn’t know? If the entire ward knows, the family knows, the extended family knows, who’s left to tell, really?

Well, there’s my boss. And that’s about it. But fortunately (or unfortunately in this situation) I love my boss dearly, and I’d consider her a friend. We’re friends on Facebook….which brings up an entirely different problem.

I’m not ready for Facebook to know – because there are entirely too many people there who I don’t know enough….but a blog is somehow more intimate. And I’m OK with The Blog knowing.

But the underlying problem remains. I think you are all my very closest friends, are you really? I mean, if I die will you come to my funeral? Are we that close? 

September 27th, 2009

According to mymonthlycycles.com and EPT this will be a big day for us. :)

Where will you be?

Sing like a girl....

I used to have this friend, we’ll call her Carly, because that was her name. She and I were inseparable, and did everything together. That meant that I also got to know her parents pretty well – because I practically lived at their house. They were so good to me….it’s a wonder they didn’t boot me out on my ear or make me pay them rent.

Carly’s dad, we’ll call him Joe, because that was his name, had this fantastic habit of making up new lyrics to songs. And he’d sing along with the radio pretty much all the time. He was the cool dad. In fact, he was so cool that when he’d flip through the stations on the radio, if he didn’t find anything he liked, he’d tear the face off the radio (I’m pretty sure they were rich because they had a fancy enough car that the radio face would tear off….I don’t think this was common at the time, but maybe it was common in minivans but not in 1985 station wagons…I didn’t really have anything else to compare with.) and he’d throw it in the backseat. I thought that was cool.

A couple of my favorite that he’d sing were
“Walk Like A Man” by Frankie Vallie, which was now “Walk like a man, sing like a girl…..” and oh! could Joe ‘sing like a girl’. He was so cool.
“Fly” by Sugar Ray changed from “all around the world, statues crumble for me…who knows how long I’ve loved you….I just wanna fly…” to “all around the world, statues crumble ‘neath me…who knows how much I weigh…..I just want some pie…”

This story really has no relevance except that Pandora just played Walk Like a Man, and now I can’t stop singing like a girl in my head.  

If nothing else....

It seems that these pills are preparing me for pregnancy, and I don’t like it. I’m trying not to complain, because 1. It’s my choice, and 2. I’m so dang relieved to have a solution that I’m really not that sad about it.

However, I AM really annoyed.

I don’t feel good and I puke entirely too often.
I crave things like nobody’s business. Spaghettio’s and fake grilled cheese anyone?
I feel the need to eat CONSTANTLY and then I puke. Just looked at the clock. I’m starving. I ate 2 hours ago. STARVING! I have a direct line to the vending machine – do you think if I had a really long stick I could use it from my desk? Must look into that.
I’m tired all the time. Keeping my eyes open past 9:30 is pushin’ it. And if I had my way I’d sleep at least until 8am. Come to think of it, I could really go for a nap right now.
I am insanely emotional and whiney. (but let’s face it, some personality traits are eternal….is that old yet? probably.)

If this is pregnancy, sign me up! I won’t like it, but I’ll do it anyway….and I’ll whine about it the entire time.

Sunday night

I know I'm lucky because this is what Sunday night looks like at our house....


.....after we've invited everybody we know to come play games. Our invitations were politely declined....

anybody wanna come play? We're fun! See?