Sometimes I think I'm a mean mean person, and I don't really know what to do about that. I never thought of myself as outspoken, or even spoken really until I went to college and my roommates/friend drew myself out of me. I thoroughly appreciate that, and for the most part, I like being a real person instead of a mousey, cowardly person. However, sometimes I know I take it to far.
Do you ever have those moments when you say something so incredibly stupid, so thoughtless, and so devastatingly horrific that you look behind you to see what kind of green-goblin creature is back there forcing these words out of your mouth? I do that more often than I'd like to admit; BUT in the true nature of "sharing more than you should on the internet through a blog" I'm admitting it. I say horrible things at the most inopportune moments almost on a regular basis.
The worst part of it is that sometimes I say things to people that I really should be treating with respect and kindness, people like my boss. Ugh.
We have these management meetings, which usually are longer than necessary, and sometimes incredibly frustrating because some decisions really need to be made, but it just doesn't happen. A couple of weeks ago in our meeting, my boss boss, the man who signs my paycheck, the solitary reason I am currently employed, asked me if I'd finished a project. I told him I hadn't had a chance to finish it yet, he made a comment about how it shouldn't be that hard, and I snapped back "if you'd like to do it, you can certainly do it."
What I meant was: "I feel like you've overloaded me with so much work that I don't have time to take a bathroom break during the day, much less worry about whether or not your toothbrush is still under warranty. If you feel like you have the available time, and would like to call the phone number on the receipt, I would not be opposed to that." Unfortunately the room went silent and I realized that what everybody else heard was: "Do it yourself your &#%*&#% old man!" That's one of the many moments that I wish I could grab the words and stick them back in my mouth.
This is an incredibly disturbing habit, but the more disturbing part is when I start to think about the things I've said that weren't followed by awkward silence cluing me in to my ill-mannered remark.
Today Gabe (my less-demanding, more-reasonable boss) and I were talking about "the mormons" because he met with bankers who he knew were mormons because they had on white short sleeved shirts, and only mormons and little boys do that (and my husband).
Anyway, he asked if you're allowed to wear a colored shirt "over ta the church". My first though was that if he walked into a church it didn't really matter what he was wearing because it would immediately burn to the ground anyway. Fortunately my internal editor was on and that horrible thought did not escape my lips (seriously, what kind of example of how nice the mormons are is that?).
However, the conversation continued, and at some point he told me that I once told him he had a "black soul" or a "dead soul" or something like that. I kindof gasped, I'm shocked that anybody would ever say that to another human being, much less me?!?! I'm NICE! I am a kind person, and I see a lot of good in almost everybody. I can't imagine looking at my boss and telling he had a black soul. What a rude, horrible, awful thing to say to a person!
Apparently this was quite some time ago and the fact that he remembers it concerns me. I know he doesn't care much about my opinion, and that's fine, but if he cared enough to remember it.....I feel really bad about it. I don't know how to apologize for something I don't remember saying, and I don't know quite how to tell him that I don't think he has a black soul, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to stop myself from saying things that are so horrible.
It just makes me wonder, who else have I said something so stupid and thoughtless to? If I've ever said anything horrible and green-goblin originated, please forgive me. I'm making a conscious effort to not be a horrible person starting now.
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