Crazy plant lady

I have become crazy plant lady. Something that I really never thought I’d be, but somehow….it snuck up on me.

It all started on Easter, when I was so sad and depressed about not having any kids to hide eggs for. Josh and I decided that since Easter and spring-time are all about life, it would be appropriate to purchase a house plant and make it a member of the family. So, March 24, 2008, our first plant-baby was born. We named him Junior, because we thought it was funny. He’s thriving in our living room, and we’re very proud of every new leaf he grows. We take good care of him; making sure he has plenty of food, opening the blinds during the day just for him, and providing a nice big home (pot) for him to grow into.

For my birthday our sister Megan gave me a beautiful Lily. It was seriously GEORGEOUS. Josh potted it for me, so it could live a nice long life bringing beauty to our living room. Only it immediately started to die. I tried and tried to keep it alive, but so far I have failed. There are tiny little bulbs buried in the dirt where Junette used to be – I’ve been told that they might come back to life if I just give them space and let them grow. It’s been months and that empty pot is starting to bug me.

One day, while working for David, he planned to cut down one of his plants because it had over-grown its space. He asked if I’d like a start, and of course I said yes. We call our youngest Davey because he came from David. When you have just the top of a plant to act as a start, it takes a while to become big, beautiful and strong. So, he’s currently growing behind the desk in Josh’s massage room. He’s bright green, and we can see that he’s gaining strength. Before long he’ll be an overgrown tree that we’ll have to trim back I’m sure.

At work, they have plant day every other week, where if you’d like a plant for your desk, you can go adopt one from the nice plant people. Today was the day for me to go adopt a plant. After the nice man explained how not to kill my newly adopted plant, I headed back to my office and read the “care guide” he gave me.

The plant I chose is called a “Dumbcane” and here are some of the instructions:
Dumbcane grows best in bright light, but keep it away from direct sunlight…All parts of this plant are poisonous but only if chewed.

First I’d like to know how to make sure it’s in bright light, but away from sunlight. Does that mean that this plant was made to grow by florescent lights? Somehow, I doubt that. I don’t think when God created plants and every living thing he thought “someday, these people are going to build buildings to get away from plants and sunlight and all the beautiful things in the garden. Then they’ll want to put those plants (the ones they built buildings to get away from) in tiny pots on their desks that are only lit by florescent tubes. I’ll create a dumbcane that will use florescent light to grow, just for those dumb people.”

Second, how is a plant poisonous only if chewed? This warning reminds me a little of the “don’t lick the walls because there might be lead paint” warning from the dorms. Or “don’t use the blow dryer in the shower” or “this coffee might be hot” or “these kitchen knives are sharp”. But mostly I’m curious, what if I suck on it? Then is it poisonous? What if I suck on it and rub its guts all over my legs, then is it poisonous? What if I blend it and put it in a milkshake? How about baking it a brownie? Licking it? What if my kid eats the dirt from the pot? Is that poisonous? I guess these are all dumb questions because it is clearly labeled as “poisonous only when chewed”, but I think they might have unintentionally left out some other circumstances….

All of these thoughts are how I know I have become crazy plant lady.