Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear Toaster Oven, it's over.

Dear Toaster Oven,
I’d been buying my morning bagel for months, when I first saw you across the cafeteria.  It was love at first sight. There you were, your silver casing gleaming in the florescent lights. The warm glow of your toaster-y coils coming from inside. The black plastic knobs already turned to the “bagel” setting just for me.  That morning, I enjoyed my bagel perfectly browned, warm and toasty, the cream cheese melted into the cracks just perfectly. Truly, I knew I’d never love another toaster oven in my life. You were everything I never knew I wanted.
That is why it’s so hard for me to tell you that it’s over. It breaks my heart, but things just haven’t been the same lately. You’ve changed, you’re full of other people’s crumbs, there’s grime coming out of your knobs. Those things I’ve looked past for a few days, but this morning you crossed the line.
Lighting my bagel on fire is inappropriate and inexcusable. I won’t stand for it because I deserve better than that. I’ll never see you the same way again, because you burned me. The blisters on my fingertips may heal, but the scars on my heart never will. I used to think you’d never hurt me, but now I know the truth.
It pains me to do this, but I’ll just have to eat cold un-toasty bagels each morning from now on. I just can’t risk burning down the entire building just because of my feelings for you. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’m leaving you. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find some other unwitting human whose bagels you can burn. But it won’t be me anymore.
With the tiniest pieces of my broken heart,


  1. It lit your bagel on fire?


    And dramatic. Which is, after all, why I love reading your blog so much.

    Hope your day goes better and you find another way to make your bagel delicious!

  2. They don't have a regular toaster there??

    BTW...I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE your blog. You write so great!

  3. That is hilarous and sad. You are a wonderful author! I really felt sad toward the end of your "peice." My heart sank to think of you having to leave the toaster (pause to brush away another tear). I hope your heart will recover soon.

    Best wishes, Jess :-(

  4. Bagels are bad for you anyway. Since I started fanatically (and I mean fanatically) calorie counting I won't go near them. Neither will the people I sit by at work. Every time they take a bite I say "that bite had almost 30 calories in it." It's a real appetite ruiner. But seriously, the taoster oven doesn't know what it's missing...

  5. Oh Amy. What would I do without you?

  6. haha- this post made me think about how my toaster has a ton of nasty crumbs in it and I bought a new one today! Thanks for saving me before it caught my toast on fire...
    AND... DVR is TOTALLY worth it!! I think it's only like 10 bucks extra a month- and it'll change your LIFE! Seriously! think how much time you'll save when you don't have to watch commercials? and how happy you'll be when you never miss your favorite show? I mean, it's all about priorities... (right...)

  7. Our thoughts and prayers are with you in your hour of need. As you comprehend this profound loss, let yourself cry knowing each tear is a note of love rising to the heavens.

  8. What a tagic love story. Seriously, that rivals Romeo and Juliet!

    I had to brush away tears, too. But it was from laughing so hard. Ü

  9. Lol!!!! Words cannot express how much I love you and how much you make me laugh :D


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