Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Death by a salesman

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at home, minding my own business (aka watching so you think you can dance) when the doorbell rang. Now, because I have no friends that just "drop by" I was 99% sure it was "the mormons" as I so affectionately call them. Only the mormons stop by unannounced. So, I do the quick checklist (as I stand up to make sure I look appropriate for door answering) home teachers were here last week, visiting teachers haven't come in months, I paid my tithing, I have a calling, Josh has a calling, we both did our home/visiting teaching, it's the beginning of the month, neither of us are teaching next this time I'm walking toward the door mostly out of curiosity and as soon as I open it my heart sank. I knew immediately I had made a mistake. I tried not to let it show in my face, but I wanted to rewind the last 30 seconds and go hide in the back room pretending I wasn't home. There, on my porch stood a "poor starving college student, just trying to make a difference, change my life and earn some money so I can go to college, no I'm not asking for a donation, in fact you'll get more out of this purchase than you ever would have dreamed possible 20-something year old door-to-door salesman". I hesitated before opening the glass door, and stood in the doorway so I wouldn't have to let him in.

DTDD(door-to-door-dude): "why you must be the princess of the house."
Me: what does he mean princess? is he trying to be nice to me by telling me i look young? that's not flattering until you're like 40, does he think I look 40? oh my gosh, do I look 40? "Uhh....I guess you could say that."
DTDD: "Well is your mom here? I have something here that could change her life."
Me: Duh. He meant that he's been talking to people in my neighborhood who have kids my age. I'm such a dork. "Umm...actually I'm the grown-up here."
DTDD: "You at such a young age! Amazing, you're the queen of the castle then!"
Way too much enthusiasm. Since I'm still regretting opening the door and not quite following everything he's saying, he's speaking WAY to fast. The fact that he's from Chicago and doesn't speak the same language is Utah, doesn't help.
Me: "I guess you could say that."
DTDD: "Well let me show you this revolutionary product............"
Me: Oh no, I've let him start his sales pitch, I need to tell him now that he's wasting his time because I can't afford whatever he's selling. Is he ever going to breathe? I wonder if I should listen to what he's saying.
DTDD: "-So, do you?"
Me: Do I what? Help! What did I miss? One wrong answer and he'll launch again, how do I get him off my doorstep. "I'm really not interested in your product. But good luck."
DTDD: "Why you haven't even seen what it does yet! Is this your front door?" He points to the front door.
Me: Nope, that's my pet dog. Here's your sign. "Ummm.......yes."
DTDD: "Well, that is a shame, would you look at these waterspots?"
He then proceeds to demonstrate all the abilities of this super-duper cleaning stuff. It's perfectly natural, safe, and will replace all of the harsh chemicals in your home. "You don't want your kids getting into those hard chemicals, do you mama?"
Me: Don't call me mama you sico. "I don't have kids."
He washed a part of my front door, then felt the need to prove it more since I obviously wasn't going to buy it. He rattled off a list of chemicals that it would replace, he was talking so fast I couldn't even understand what he was saying, but it was an impressive list. "How long has that spot been there?"
Me: What spot? Don't point out my dirty house. Oh good, he's pointing to the driveway. "Longer than I have."
DTDD: "Well, with this revolutionary new product I can take the rust spots off your driveway. Yes, that's right, just one squirt, a little scrub with my little brother's toothbrush and look at that come right off."
Me: "Wow! Rust off the driveway! That's pretty cool." How did I get out on my driveway with this guy? This is crazy, but did you see that? And he did clean my front door....and he actually drank some of's strong and safe and natural. Josh would be pretty impressed with this stuff.
DTDD: "All this, this solution is only 2 tbsp concentrate, and the rest of this squirt bottle is filled with water. In face, I'll even mix your first bottle for you."
Me: "How much?"
DTDD: "You can get these 3 enormous bottles, plus these scrubbies, toothbrushes and squirt bottles, for just $100."
Me: "My husband would kill me if he comes home and I tell him I spent $100 on a window cleaner."
DTDD: "This is not just a window clean-"
Me: "I don't have $100 for you. Sorry. I'd love to take your card, see a website, or order it another day, because I really think it's cool, I just can't give you $100."
DTDD: "Well then, today is your lucky day. I'll sell you just one bottle for $30*"
*plus tax, title licence, and fees, in only 4 easy payments of $29.99
Me: "I can spend $30, that's a lot of cleaner. Come in and I'll write you a check."
DTDD: "You don't have cash?"
Me: "Do I look like I have cash?"
DTDD: "Of course, you're so young, living in such a nice neighborhood......"
Me: Again with the flattery, that's weird. "Check or nothing."
DTDD: "OK. Check it is. Let me write up your receipt."
I give him the money and he goes on his way. I suddenly have the desire to clean everything, too bad it only lasted long enough to clean my tub, then I didn't want to anymore. However, I do have a HUGE bottle of cleaning stuff, that I can drink if I want to because it's safe. It doesn't have that horrible strong smell like when you clean with other stuff, AND it took hard water off all of the glass in my house. It works wonders, and I am impressed with it, I just felt dumb for buying it.

Enter Josh: I bought some cleaner from a door to door salesman tonight. Josh chuckles like "oh you poor little thing, got sucked into buying a piece of crap because of a salesman."
I quickly defend myself. "No, it's really cool. Look at this clean spot on the front door. I didn't finish cleaning it yet, but look!" Josh just laughs some more and we forget about it.

Fast forward to last night. I pull in the driveway from work and Josh is all excited to see me. "I have to show you the coolest thing we got at work today!" He whips out a bottle of the cleaning stuff. "They did this demonstration and you can use this stuff on ANYTHING in the whole house, plus it's safe! The guy even licked it!"
Me: "I know! Isn't that cool? AND it will take rust off the driveway, not that I'm going to scrub the rust off the driveway, but I could if I wanted to!"

It just goes to show 2 things, #1 DTDD can suck you in faster than anyone else I know. I just wish I had gotten him to clean more things in my house. #2 When you know the mormons don't need you, it's probably not them.


  1. Wait, so you AND Josh got sucked into it?? That's funny! I'm glad it works, that's just funny that you actually bought it, i've never known anyone that actually bought something from a DTDD. So does it clean the snow off your front window? :) lol :) I wanna play...I've got to do some MAJOR cleaning before my mom comes, maybe I can try it out at my :) You rock :)

  2. p.s. That is so creepy that he called you princess, queen, AND mama...ew

  3. Yes, yes we did both get sucked into it. But first he made fun of me, and THEN got sucked in. And you'll be glad to know that it did take the snow off my window. I actually did that last night because Josh was cleaning everything he could find with it, which is funny. So, yeah, Christmas is now officially over at my house. You're welcome to take it and try it, I promise you'll be impressed.

  4. thats funny!! salespeople always come over to the house i nanny at, and i tell them to come back later lol my boss hates it lol :) so fun!


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