Why my bananas smell like wet wipes

When Dr. Lady's temporary replacement (Dr. New Girl) came in to check Thomas's everything, the first words out of her mouth were "do you have any questions for me?"

We did.

Are his leg cracks OK? They look owie.
Why does he wheeze? Does he have asthma already?
Can you make the nose-puking stop? Please?
and most importantly: When is it safe to go back to church and out in public?

In short, his leg cracks are fine, he's wheezing because his throat is coated with milk and the nose-puking is something we'll have to work on.

As for church (and public), it MIGHT be safe to go to church by March or April. Of course you'll go back before then, but it's flu season and you risk disease and death.

Then she started volunteering information about just how paranoid we should be about quarantining our baby.

In short, VERY paranoid is best. No Christmas parties. No being Mormon. No kids. No touching. No breathing. Yes wet wipes. Yes hand sanitizer. Yes soap and water. No diseases.

So we left the Dr.'s office and showed him off at my office and went to Walmart. Downtown. That was stupid. 

In my defense, we needed things, and we were already halfway there. And Dr. New Girl said "don't let people touch him, that's the real concern." And we left him totally covered with a blanket in his carseat the entire time. And we didn't even touch him until we got home and washed our hands. And I just didn't want him to run out of diapers. (Did you know diapers cost like $20 for 1 package? For something he POOPS on. Literally!) And I figured that since we weren't going to stay in our house until April anyway, we may as well get out today.

While at Walmart we bought some bananas. Because they looked tasty. To Josh, not me. The triple-chocolate-fudge cake on my counter looks tasty to me. 

And when we were checking out, the world's slowest disgustingest checkout lady sneezed. Right into her hands. Then she picked up my bananas AND my bottle of Simply Orange juice and put them in a bag.

It was like the gross slow motion part of a movie. I could see all the germs running around the store SWARMING my bananas. The plastic grocery sack suddenly became a hotel for every green goblin within 50 miles. The lice jumped off the head of the guy behind us to join his creepy crawly friends in the party zone.

I gagged.

Josh paid.

The lady sanitized her hands while telling Josh - "sorry, I have to sanitize my hands because I just sneezed and I don't want to spread anything."

I somehow refrained from jumping over the bagging station and strangling her right then and there while shouting about my contaminated groceries and asking why she was the dumbest person on the planet. "YOU TOUCHED MY FOOD BETWEEN SNEEZING AND SANITIZING YOU FOOL!!! Are you stupid? Do you know nothing? Did you flunk out of kindergarten when they taught you to WASH YOUR HANDS? Are you the idiot they put up signs for in the bathrooms of restaurants reminding employees to NOT spread their bathroom germs on other people's food? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY BABY?!?!?!?!"

We were only 2 steps away when Josh and I looked at each other and shuddered.

That's why we can't leave the house until April.

And that's why my bananas smell like wet wipes.