My Lactation Lady can kick your Lactation Lady's BOOTY.

I was nervous about telling Lactation Lady the truth about breastfeeding because I was scared she'd be a boob nazi and insist that I try harder and not give up so soon.

But I had to talk to her because I needed to return the breast pump (aka "satan in disguise" and not a very good one) to her and I knew she'd ask.

I started thinking of all the things I could say that would be true but wouldn't really require the whole truth. And more importantly, things that would leave her with the impression that I was fixed and everything was working fine.

Phrases like "I'm going to keep breastfeeding as much as possible." and "I'm still taking the herbs." and "Thanks so much for offering the great advice so I could increase my milk supply" were on my approved list of things to say.

Phrases like "over my dead body." and "1/4 ounce after 15 minutes of pumping after 50 minutes of sucking just isn't worth it when my child is still hungry." and "I'm not doing that anymore." and "Formula probably has more nutrients than my pathetic excuse for milk anyway" were on my list of things NOT to say.

I was relieved when she wasn't there when I went to return the breast pump.

I was stressed when the phone rang and Josh said "Hi Sonya, thanks for calling......sure.....she's right here." But for some unknown reason, I told her the truth.

I was relieved again when she said "I think it's great that you've done the things that can help and even greater that you're OK with using formula. I always feel bad when new moms are a basket case because breastfeeding isn't working for them but they feel guilty about using formula." Thank goodness she didn't see the breakdown.

I was relieved more when she said, "Yep, I think you've made a great decision, a lot of people try to force it and they wind up making themselves crazy and still not feeding their children."

I wanted to kiss the ground she walked on when she said, "I understand completely."

My Lactation Lady is the best Lactation Lady there ever was. No doubt about it.