Friday, October 16, 2009

Emotional Breakdown Count: 5

It's funny how my brain sometimes works (or doesn't). When we got home from the Dr. and Lactation Lady visit and I spent the entire day crying not once did I consider that if my body didn't make milk I'd feed Thomas formula. I wasn't thinking "so we'll increase my milk supply or feed him formula" I was thinking "my body isn't making milk and my baby is starving because of it." I know it's not really logical, but that thought really didn't enter my mind and that's depressing.

Knowing that there is an alternative that doesn't end in heartbreaking death or destruction makes the whole thing seems less horrible.

I still feel like there's something wrong with me that needs to be "fixed" but at least I know my baby won't die because of it. Really there are a lot worse things wrong with me and Tommy and I will both be fine.

You'll also be glad to know that it's been 1 week since he came into our lives and so far the "major emotional breakdown" count is only like 5.

Sunday (the day we came home) I cried because I wanted my mommy and I didn't know what to do.

Monday my mommy came and spent the whole day and I cried because I still wanted my mommy. She was sitting no more than 10 feet away from me ALL DAY LONG. Why the tears?

Tuesday I cried because it hurts. Everything hurts. My back hurt, my uterus (which is quickly shrinking down to the size of a softball) hurt, my enormous cut hurt, my head hurt, my eyes hurt and my baby was beautiful.

Wednesday I cried because I'm broken and my baby was starving. Technically this breakdown lasted like 12 hours....I'm still counting it as 1.

Thursday (yesterday) I cried because my daddy came to see me in the middle of the day. That's because he loves me. And I still wanted my mommy.

So 5 breakdowns in a week isn't bad. Especially compared to Thomas who has at least 5 emotional breakdowns every other day.

All things considered I'd say we're doing pretty well.


  1. Being rational isn't part of your job right now. That'll come later.

  2. Only 5? Dang, I had that many this week, and my baby is 12 years old! You win.

  3. Oh Amy, I'm sorry. I wasn't in a position mentally or emotionally to blog about it, but I had a really hard time when Ellie came home. It was a struggle just to function. And I remember when I finally realized I could give Ellie formula--I hadn't even thought about it until a nurse from the pediatrician's office steered me in that direction! I only had to supplement for a week or so and soon I was making more than enough milk for her. Good luck!


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