- Eating breakfast before 10am.
- Folding 2 loads of laundry.
- Showering. It took me all day to gear up for this. I kept thinking something horrible was going to happen to Thomas while I was showering and I wouldn't be able to get to him in time. Will I ever get over that?
- Staying awake all day.
- Not crying. At all. Yet. It's only 6 o'clock.
Fortunately it was a short meeting and Josh came home at 1:30. If tomorrow is a full day it should be I'm not sure what I'll do.
Part of me feels like I can do this, I made it through the day and it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.
The other part of me feels like I'm an idiot for thinking I can be a mom. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I would have survived a whole day if it hadn't been a good day.
I just keep thinking: Am I doing the things I should be? Am I neglecting some ultra important developmental activities? Is eating and sleeping it? What can I do when he's screaming? Why does he hate the diaper change so bad? When will I stop feeling like I'm torturing him when I dress him? He has a booger, is it really the flu in disguise? If I leave the house will he get sick? If I don't leave the house will I stay sane? Where would I go if I left the house? What would I do?
So while today was good, I'm wrecking it by worrying about tomorrow. And the next day, and the next 18 years really.
Why can't I be one of those moms who just knows what to do. You know, the kind who instinctively multi-task to the 90th power. The ones who can talk on the phone while fixing a snack while unloading the dishwasher while remembering the schedule for the rest of the year, while wearing designer clothes (why does it take so much effort to wear clothes? The effort should be over once they're on), while planning and preparing preschool lessons.
It isn't that I think these moms don't have to work hard at all of these things - they do - but where did they learn which things to do at which times? How do you know which things to focus on? Does that part of mothering just come naturally to some people? Because I'm still setting an alarm to remember to feed my child. I'm still looking up online what it means to "play" at this age. Every time he cries I go through the list of things to check in my head....it doesn't just occur to me that his diaper needs to be changed, that it's been a while since he ate or that he might be uncomfortable. Are my instincts broken? Or am I just an average mom surrounded by wonder-moms?
You're doing everything that a first time mom does...just wait until you have your 3rd, that's when you REALLY start to multi-task and when you stop worrying about all the little things. At least it was for me. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, it's just the first. That is how it is, even still you have doubts and worries and fears (while you shower) with every single one. And the next time you think, wait I knew how to do this, how did I forget this all ready. LOL!!! You're doing beautifully!!
ReplyDeleteBelieve me that "super mom's" weren't "super mom's" the first YEAR (or more) they brought their first baby home from the hospital. It takes a lot of practice, it's sorta like being trained for a new position at work, it takes time. You will get there and you will survive, I promise! It's a WHOLE NEW world for both you and Thomas (and the hubs), just be patient and keep doing what you're doing. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! You've just described exactly how I felt those first few weeks with a new baby! Seriously, I can relate to every single thing that you wrote. That actually makes me feel better, because I felt incompetent for not having natural "mommy instincts." (After she'd been crying for an hour it would finally occur to me to check her diaper.)
ReplyDeletePsst. Here's a little secret, we all had/have no idea what we are doing! Wing it baby!
ReplyDeleteSo I'm just now getting to the point where I don't freak out everytime I'm in the shower. Yes, I still tend to shower as fast as I can, just in case, but I'm to the point where I know she's well fed, she has a clean diaper, and she'll be just fine--even if she does cry.
ReplyDeleteYeah, let's talk about THIS Supermom who talked on the phone, started washing dishes, picked up the child to wash his hands, broke a glass, dropped the child (thereby breaking his leg). Supermom goes to the hospital.
ReplyDeleteNobody's Supermom, my friend. We're all just trying our best to not ruin our kids. There's only One who knows the answers for your little one--rely on Him.
Cuz guess what? Baby #2 will come, and the guessing games start all over again. (Look at is as an exciting challenge, not a threat.)