It's not fair to say outloud because I never actually had a miscarriage, but it felt like a miscarriage every time. It wasn't a monthly event for me, so I nearly always talked myself into thinking I could really be pregnant this time. After all it had been 2 weeks longer than last time. I'd take a test, it would be negative and 2 days later the bleeding would begin. I mourned the loss of the child who wasn't growing. I wept because of my infertile nature. I felt like I had lost a chance at something wonderful again. I was always a complete disaster.
Which is something I haven't really recovered from.
Beginning the first month after having the baby I still felt a sense of loss when I bled.
I already missed being pregnant.
I already felt like my body was betraying me again.
I already couldn't believe how much I wanted that egg to grow.
I wasn't ready for another baby and I knew it. I didn't actually want to be pregnant. But I still felt like something had died inside me and it broke my heart.
Being in the "I had fertility issues but now I have a baby" club is a strange place to be. All of my struggles and heartbreak and aching and longing don't count anymore because my sweet sweet baby has filled some of that hole. I've lost my badge of courage, but somehow it all still seems so real to me. The ache and heartbreak and longing didn't go away, they weren't entirely replaced with joy and happiness. They just moved to the side to make room for the joy and happiness but those feelings still have a home in my heart.
Now that I'm back to my "regularly scheduled programming", the mourning, the sense of loss, the fear that it was a fluke and will never happen again, the "crazies" are back in full force.
Is it just a habit? One that I'll get over someday? Or will I grieve over the lost pregnancy every month for the rest of my life?