It's not fair to say outloud because I never actually had a miscarriage, but it felt like a miscarriage every time. It wasn't a monthly event for me, so I nearly always talked myself into thinking I could really be pregnant this time. After all it had been 2 weeks longer than last time. I'd take a test, it would be negative and 2 days later the bleeding would begin. I mourned the loss of the child who wasn't growing. I wept because of my infertile nature. I felt like I had lost a chance at something wonderful again. I was always a complete disaster.
Which is something I haven't really recovered from.
Beginning the first month after having the baby I still felt a sense of loss when I bled.
I already missed being pregnant.
I already felt like my body was betraying me again.
I already couldn't believe how much I wanted that egg to grow.
I wasn't ready for another baby and I knew it. I didn't actually want to be pregnant. But I still felt like something had died inside me and it broke my heart.
Being in the "I had fertility issues but now I have a baby" club is a strange place to be. All of my struggles and heartbreak and aching and longing don't count anymore because my sweet sweet baby has filled some of that hole. I've lost my badge of courage, but somehow it all still seems so real to me. The ache and heartbreak and longing didn't go away, they weren't entirely replaced with joy and happiness. They just moved to the side to make room for the joy and happiness but those feelings still have a home in my heart.
Now that I'm back to my "regularly scheduled programming", the mourning, the sense of loss, the fear that it was a fluke and will never happen again, the "crazies" are back in full force.
Is it just a habit? One that I'll get over someday? Or will I grieve over the lost pregnancy every month for the rest of my life?
We struggled long and hard to bring Isaac into our family. Two years and one miscarriage later that incredibly huge hole was filled. But now as Isaac is 16 months old and we've never prevented pregnancy I'm back to the feeling of loss every month. I wouldn't say that finding out I am NOT pregnant each month feels like a miscarriage. Because that is having something, really having it, then losing it. But I definately feel the loss of the hoped for. And I also feel like I am not suppose to complain about it. I have a child. He is not even 1 1/2 yet. Who am I to be sad that I am not pregnant? Well. Me. The one who desperately wants another. So Amy -- My heart goes out to you! I hope it happens without the help of Dr. Man -- but if it needs to go that step I wouldn't put myself through too much waiting.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something--anything--that I could say. An answer. A fix. Anything!
ReplyDeleteJust know that I love you. That's the best I can give (which, admittedly, isn't much, but it's all yours).
I know you read my post about pregnancy and infertility, so I just wanted to reiterate. Infertility isn't a temporary problem that is solved by the birth of a child. The feelings of infertility become part of who you are, and that can be good or bad. It doesn't have to define your whole existence, but that doesn't mean it never happened. I'm not sure anyone can really understand that if they've never had to think seriously about the possibility that they may NEVER have a child (or another child - secondary infertility hurts too). So no, I don't think you'll ever "get over it," It's part of who you are and cam help you become the person you're supposed to be. That doesn't make it any easier to have a constant reminder of NOT being pregnant, but I think its okay to feel sad about it. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteRandy and I had been trying to get pregnant for a while and finally the beautiful positive sign appeared (from what felt like an eternity). We went to our first doctor's appt (I was almost 10 weeks) everything looked good. When we had the first ultrasound there was no heartbeat, the baby was 4 weeks too small. I had a miscarriage, and the pain and agony I have been going through the past weeks have been unbearable. I feel like a broken woman. The very purpose we are here for in this life, I feel I can't achieve. I may not know exactly how you are feeling, but know I mourn and cry with you. And I would give anything to be in your shoes just to have one child. So I guess if anything helps look at your beautiful little boy. What I would give to have one of my own.
i'm so sorry amy. and so sorry to the other mothers out there that cannot conceive for whatever reasons...
ReplyDeletejust to be positive, i don't know if this will help or make you feel any better but i know quite a few people who tried for years to get pregnant and even one person who was told they would never have their own baby, and all got pregnant and the second was right away too. :) i can happen. sometimes it is just a temporary thing. i don't know how it will be in your case but it i hope this helps give you a little hope.
Hi Amy, this is Nancy's mom. I just wanted to share the link to my friend Annie's blog, since her life experience and yours are similar. http://johnandanniefamily.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteAmy, I know how you feel. I have had similiar feelings but there is hope and it's called counseling. I am dead serious go see one! They cannot change your situation but they can help you make peace with your feelings and feel satisfied with who you are and what you have. It has helped me immensely. It your insurance doesn't cover it there are lots of programs that offer counseling and my own counselor takes anyone for a a standard co-pay even if they don't have insurance. It has changed my life and put to rest incredible feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and disrest. Call me if you want her number.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way each time I bleed. And it's not so much that I want to be pregnant all the time, but a loss of the potential of a beautiful little life is so heartbreaking. My husband and I were so lucky and got pregnant right away for our first, and after she was born it took us almost 4 years to have our second. It almost destroyed our marriage because I thought it was all my fault, and took all the guilt and blame from myself upon myself. I agree with the person above me- counseling really helps, to have someone to talk to, to cry to, to help you to understand that it's not something you did wrong. It just is.
ReplyDelete