Saturday, October 9, 2010

Remember that time we had a baby? Part 3

The next morning they started me on Pitocin. I was only dilated to like a 3 or 4 which sounds a whole lot closer to halfway than it really is. I remember them saying that and thinking "wow, we can do all this one more time" because that's what "halfway" means right? Wrong.

Around 5:30 in the morning I called in to work and left a message for my boss and one for my dear friend. They had me on oxygen, cuz you know...the pressure cuff was not invasive enough and I was only hooked up to 3 monitors, and an IV and that seems insufficient. So I'm sure the message was as garbled as you imagine it. "Um. Josh and I are at the hospital and instead of coming to work today we're going to have a baby. I didn't ___________"

I was very concerned about the reports I hadn't pulled, the meeting I was missing and the stuff I left open on my desktop. But I have to say, of all the "I'm not coming to work today" messages I've left in my life, this was by far my favorite one. If you ever get the chance to leave that message you should take it. I recommend calling as many people as you think might possibly miss you. Not just your boss.

At 9am I'd been on the Pitocin for 3 or 4 hours and the nurses kept asking me how I was feeling, adjusting my monitors and commenting on "this crappy sheet" which showed Bubbah's heart rate all over the place because the monitors weren't staying put.

They asked when I wanted the epidural and I said "whenever". I don't know how these things are supposed to work and I really just wanted them to tell me what came next. So they brought in the anesthesiologist in at around 10.

She read me all the stuff about how if it went wrong I could die, the baby could die, and on the off chance that we didn't die, we could both be paralyzed. Also, they weren't even sure the number of diseases the epidural could cause. Then she said " you want it?" and I looked at Josh wondering if it was a trick question. What kind of profession is required by law to talk you out of using their services and then ask if you still want it? I said yes but wondered if they had the police outside waiting to drag me to jail for child endangerment and it was all a trap. It wasn't. That really is the stupid law.

While I sat on the edge of the bed curling my spine to the best of my ability she prepped all the stuff I didn't wanna see. But Josh totally wanted to see. And he did.

She commented on the perfect curve I was able to give her and I gave myself a gold star in my head. "Go me! I have a curly spine!" Then she introduced me to The Button, told me to move around as much as possible to let the drugs work their numbing magic everywhere and went on her way.

Remember the "crappy sheet" that was supposed to be recording my baby's heart rate? The one that looked like he died every few minutes? It never really occurred to me that the crappy sheet had to do with anything except the monitors. So when the nurses told me that his heart rate kept dropping I didn't really panic.

They came to check on me every few minutes and finally decided to do an internal heart rate monitor for Baby Thomas.

We saw one of these things in our "how to have a baby" class and I really recommend not ever looking at one, just in case. But if you've been there, you know that they screw this thing into the top of his head. Screw. It. In. Like the buttons on my grandmother's sofa. They have the sharp twisty thing that SCREWS. IN.

Once they had a solid read on his heart rate they realized that it really was dropping.

Following the anesthesiologist's orders I tried to switch which side I was laying on every few minutes, but every time I rolled to my left, Bubbah's heart rate dropped.

I was feeling the contractions on one side of my body, and Josh desperately wanted to push The Button. He asked about every 30 seconds if I needed more drugs, I kept telling him that I was fine, but eventually told him he could push The Button if he wanted to. He did.

Later, Anesthesiologist came in to "dose me" while I was on the bad side hoping that it would mean I couldn't feel the contractions on that side. But when his heart rate dropped I told them I didn't mind feeling the contractions on half of me if it meant his heart was still beating. So I stayed where I belonged on the other side of my body.

I remember watching 4 nurses and an anesthesiologist standing around the monitor looking at it and asking the others what they thought. Eventually someone decided to call Dr. Man, which they did. Since his office is about a 30 second walk down the hall from the hospital room he was there right away.

to be continued again......

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