Will I ever get over it?

During the years that we desperately wanted to be pregnant and weren't, I learned to cry every time there was hard evidence of my lack of pregnancy.

It's not fair to say outloud because I never actually had a miscarriage, but it felt like a miscarriage every time. It wasn't a monthly event for me, so I nearly always talked myself into thinking I could really be pregnant this time. After all it had been 2 weeks longer than last time. I'd take a test, it would be negative and 2 days later the bleeding would begin. I mourned the loss of the child who wasn't growing. I wept because of my infertile nature. I felt like I had lost a chance at something wonderful again. I was always a complete disaster.

Which is something I haven't really recovered from.

Beginning the first month after having the baby I still felt a sense of loss when I bled. 

I already missed being pregnant. 

I already felt like my body was betraying me again. 

I already couldn't believe how much I wanted that egg to grow. 

I wasn't ready for another baby and I knew it. I didn't actually want to be pregnant. But I still felt like something had died inside me and it broke my heart. 

Being in the "I had fertility issues but now I have a baby" club is a strange place to be. All of my struggles and heartbreak and aching and longing don't count anymore because my sweet sweet baby has filled some of that hole. I've lost my badge of courage, but somehow it all still seems so real to me. The ache and heartbreak and longing didn't go away, they weren't entirely replaced with joy and happiness. They just moved to the side to make room for the joy and happiness but those feelings still have a home in my heart.

Now that I'm back to my "regularly scheduled programming", the mourning, the sense of loss, the fear that it was a fluke and will never happen again, the "crazies" are back in full force.

Is it just a habit? One that I'll get over someday? Or will I grieve over the lost pregnancy every month for the rest of my life?

Gravity

As I loaded the 900th bag of groceries into the trunk of the car, Tommy threw the toy on the ground for the 900th time watching me, waiting for the response he knew he'd get.

"Gravity!" I said while I smiled at him returning the toy to his slobbery fists. 

"heh heh heh" chuckled some lady walking past. "I hate it when it sneaks up on you like that."

It's valid. I do hate it when it sneaks up on me.

Dear Yess,

So you'd like to make some pumpkin bread?

Here's my recipe (and by "my" I mean "the one I used and I have no idea where it came from" is it illegal to call it "mine"? Don't sue me if you invented Pumpkin Bread OK?) and I happen to think it's positively fantastic. Plus I like recipes that make just enough to share. Josh can eat a whole loaf, and we'll give a tiny loaf to someone we love. See how nice that is?

Pumpkin Bread

Makes 1 regular loaf + 1 small loaf (or one very full loaf)

Blend Together:

2 c flour

2 tsp baking powder

½ tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp nutmeg

Set this mixture aside

Beat:

2 eggs

1 c mashed cooked pumpkin

1 c sugar

½ c brown sugar

½ c milk

¼ c oil

Add dry ingredients

Stir in some chocolate chips

Pour into greased loaf pan

Bake at 350 for 1 hour (I did all tiny loaves and they only needed 50 minutes)

Cool 10 min and remove from pan

teeth

3 months ago Dr Lady told us "those top teeth are well on their way, you should see them anytime now.

Yesterday Tommy was still sporting a two-toothed grin as he had been for 3 months. Exactly how much does the Dr. know anyway?

This morning one of the top teeth has finally broken through.

You know how sometimes you watch a person struggle and struggle through something, then they finally cross the finish line and you're just so proud of them? You know how good that struggle was for them and how it was all worth it and it made them better and stronger?

This was not like that.

This was like how sometimes your child won't let go of you because apparently being held by a human being who is standing up is the only comfortable position and everything else makes him scream until he bleeds.

Yesterday has easily earned the title of Worst Day Ever because the demon who possessed my child's body literally screamed bloody murder every time I put him down. But because I'm a very experienced and mature mom, I understand that it's OK for him to scream sometimes and I put him down anyway.

In his crib.

After prying his freakishly strong arms from around my neck.

After tearing my oversized mom t-shirt from the grips of his tiny hands.

After forcing him to stop crawling up my body 3 times.

And I closed the door to his room and hid in my closet.

After the longest 20 minutes of my life, because I thought my ears were simply going to die and fall off the sides of my head, I went back in to rescue him from the apparent horror of his crib.

Which is when I saw the blood.

All over his mouth and hands.

And I picked him up and kissed him better and his freakishly strong grip was nowhere near strong enough to pull him close enough to me.

Wiping blood of your child's face after you've listening to him screaming for the past 20 minutes might be the most gut-wrenching thing a woman can do.

This morning I'm certain the blood came from his mouth because I can see the open sore right next to his new tooth.

Now I find myself wondering if I really think teeth are all that? I mean all the best foods can be gummed anyway (mashed potatoes, ice cream, popcorn), so is it really necessary that we do this again for every tooth that needs to enter his mouth?

They're all gonna fall out anyway....I say we just skip the whole process.

a morning person

I used to have a rule that nobody should talk before 10am.

That rule simply isn't reasonable anymore. And Josh vetoed it the day after we got married anyway. His response when I told him it was too early to talk was: "Good morning! Isn't it a great day? Hey! Let's go play! Come on!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!" I wanna say he jumped on the bed. 

If I couldn't talk to Jess every morning on our run, how would I know what I was missing on TV? And who would fill my head with fantasies of private quiet white sandy beaches in Hawaii?

If I couldn't talk to Josh he'd never remember his lunch. And we'd probably never talk at all.

If I couldn't make my phone calls I'd never get paid.

But sometimes we just need a silent morning. One where I just sit and watch Tommy play. And perhaps follow him around with a camera for your viewing pleasure.

No, he doesn't have pants on. That's because I'm clinging to parts of my non-morning self today. I will speak. But I will not give up my pantsless playtime.

Birthdays

I'm curious. How many birthdays do you keep track of and remember every year?

I feel really good about myself because I can remember Josh's every year.
And Cameron's but only because it's on September 11th. And I think that would really suck.

Also I always remember my cousin Gina's birthday. That's because it's on "nove tooth" or November 12th. But we said "nov tooth" about 900 times one day in reference to her birthday and now I can't even think about that date without thinking of her and her birthday.

But that's pretty much where it ends.

Grandma Huggie has a birthday book. She remembers EVERYBODY'S birthday. And she calls them to wish them a happy one. I'm pretty sure that she makes birthday phone calls every single morning. And it's not just family, it's friends and neighbors and a million people she loves.

I'd like to be that thoughtful, but birthdays simply aren't my thing.

So when someone whose birthday I really should know (we're talking blood relatives and lifelong friends here...) celebrates their advancing age and I totally space it, how guilty should I feel?

Did you know?

Did you know that it's pumpkin bread season? Josh and Tommy couldn't be more thrilled.

Did you know that my dinner of salad and popcorn last night might have been my favorite dinner of the week? It just tasted so dang good!

Did you know that one single 30 minute nap is enough on the Sabbath? That's Tommy's theory anyway....he's currently testing that theory and I'm trying desperately to prove to him that it isn't true.

Did you know that I go to the post office every single month? It's still odd to me to see how many people still use a post office. I'm just one of many.

Did you know that I really really don't speak Spanish? I took the class in Jr. High. I learned the alphabet and the days of the week. My parents always spoke a lot of Spanish to each other around Christmas time (they both learned the language while living in South America before they were married) so I know important words like "Santa Claus" and "Dinero" but when it comes right down to it. I know nothing. And I can't read it either.

Did you know that I still cringe every time I have to say my name? In Junior High I had some really horrible allergies and I always sounded like the guy on that allergy medicine commercial. So when people would ask my name, I'd tell them. "Abe-ee". (Abe like Lincoln and ee like Eeyore.) And they'd say "Abe-ee?" And I'd say "No, Abe-ee, I mean Abe-ee, argh. I have a cold. I can't say it." And then they'd say "ooooohhhh! Amy!" and I'd say "yes. Abe-ee." To this day I hate to introduce myself.

Did you know that of the 15 decks of cards we own, only 3 of them have Jokers? That's because we didn't know any games with Jokers so we threw them away and let Tommy play with them. Now we know games with Jokers and we always make our friends bring their own cards to game night.

Did you know that there was no major sunburn this year? That is the first time since I had to be a grownup and work inside all summer long. Nice huh?

Friday Night

Josh studied with a friend.

I made pumpkin bread.

I cleaned.

Thomas boycotted all things sleep-related.

Josh studied some more.

I biked.

Josh studied a little longer.

I worked.

And now we'll both fall asleep watching James Bond. Probably before the credits are over.

What? That's not what your weekends are like?

State Fair

Didn't make it to the State Fair this year? Here's our version.

Waiting in a line to get in.

Yes. You read that sign right. Deep fried chocolate covered bacon on a stick. And there are people in that line!

Josh and Tommy as carrots. Cute no?

Then we found Aunt Cami who was working. 

And then we found Grandma who was working.

And then Tommy sat in the stroller while we wandered around.

Of course the camera died right before Josh some kind of disgusting bird leg to eat. You know when the hyenas attack some animal and tear it apart with their teeth? Picture that. Then count your blessings that I didn't post a picture here.

We also didn't get pictures of the animals. But we did see them, because according to Josh, "that's the whole point! Where are all the pigs?!", and we made all the appropriate sounds (peee-yu stinky pigs!!!)  before trekking back to the car.

Clarification

Tommy is not potty trained. Period. Not even close.

You can tell because there is still a "bucket-o-poo" smell in his bedroom every time I deposit a new diaper into the bucket-o-poo.

It's just that Tommy's not scared of the potty. But who would be when it's as comfy as the rocking chair, and gets almost as many stories?

I have to say that the best part of introducing the potty when he's this young is that he's pretty much CONSTANTLY peeing or pooping. So it would take a lot of effort to plant him on the potty for more than 30 seconds and get NOTHING out of it. Right? Right.

Until last night.

When I planted him on the potty and read a story or two and went to pick him up, saw the empty bowl, had a moment of "dang it...." and THEN got sprayed. Because apparently my moving him triggered the "pee now!" reflex.

Now for those of you who want to know more about Elimination Communication here's what I interpret the point to be: don't spend the first 2-3 years of your kids life training them to pee their pants, then expect them to quit in a few days. Which oddly enough works....

Of course normal potty training totally works, we can tell by all the human beings not walking around peeing their pants until they get pregnant again at which point potty training seems to become irrelevant.

But this way, you're teaching your kid from the beginning that there are appropriate places to do your business, and inappropriate places to do your business. Potty = appropriate. Pants = not appropriate.

So really all I'm doing so far is trying to get him comfortable with the potty so he won't be scared of it later. And if it saves me a few poopy diapers in the meantime, bonus!

Every time he wakes up from a nap or for the morning, I plant him on the potty and we read a few books until my legs are asleep or he's sick of pounding on the grownups toilet lid. Then if it was productive we celebrate with a "hooray for poops!" dance and move on with our day. That's it.

There are die-hards out there (hi Nancy!) and they do this from like the day they come home from the hospital, and their kids are pretty much potty trained by the time they can walk. And they're brave enough to use cloth diapers and everything. So if you wanna learn all about how you're really supposed to do it, you should stalk someone like her. Or at least read the archives from The Mother's Lounge because it's far better explained there.

The truth is I'm far too much of a sissy to do it hard core. And entirely too squeamish to deal with the consequences on days that I'm simply too lazy to read The Napping House any more times. Even though Tommy laughs when the boy "bumps the grandma!" every time. So I can't commit.

So if I count successes by deposits made, I freakin' rock. If I counted failures by diapers changed it wouldn't be such a pretty picture.

I choose to blog about the deposits made. You know, because I'm nothing if not humble.

My mental health day

On Saturday I came home to an empty house after a morning out running errands.

My cell phone was dead, and when Josh couldn't get in touch with me and couldn't stand the thought of waiting one more minute to go to work, he just took Tommy with him planning to drop him off at Grandma's house.

Which is why I came home to a completely empty house.

That hasn't happened since before Tommy was born. And it was a little eerie. I walked through all 3 rooms of this house like 3 times before I really believed I was alone.

So I called Josh, who told me to go do whatever I wanted. I thanked him and sat down to get some work done. Then made a list of all the house stuff that really couldn't wait one more day. Dishes, laundry, dinner, floors, bathrooms, work....

That's when I called Josh back and told him I had every intention of blowing it all off and did he mind if I took off without my cell phone and came home only when I was good and ready. He said sure, go enjoy a day off.

So I did.

I got in the car and cranked the music and rolled down the windows and headed for downtown.

Farmer's Market was the first stop, and parking 3 blocks away was my pleasure because when you're not pushing a stroller or potentially carrying 20 pounds of weeping child back to the car with you, it doesn't really matter if you park 3 blocks away.

I wandered Farmer's Market stopping only when I wanted to, and every time I wanted to. 
I stopped and coveted and touched the handmade leather books. 
I looked at art displays and photography exhibits. 
I avoided all free samples - accepting only one bite of peach which the booth owner assured me was "not a free sample. It's a temptation." and it was. 
I looked at jewelry I'd never buy. 
I walked slow past the fresh fruit pies seriously considering the purchase, but ultimately moving on (I'm still wondering....was that a mistake?)
I wandered toward the hippie drumming sounds in one corner, then rushed past them because I was afraid they'd make eye contact. 
I did whatever I wanted the whole time. 


But I wasn't done wandering and window shopping and listening to the sounds of a city instead of the voice in my head reminding me of the things I really ought to be doing. 


So I headed to Gateway mall, which was (of course) beautiful. 
And while I was there I watched a movie. 
And when the lady asked if I wanted to get a "large drink for just a quarter more" I said "absolutely I do" in my best Pam Beesly voice.


I may have set a record for Most Time Spent Shopping Without Buying a Thing. Unless of course you count the movies....


But here's the best part. 5 hours later, I came home to see my boys just waking up from a nap and I was so unexhausted that I immediately forced them to go to the State Fair.

Josh, however, was completely wiped out from his full day of baby-ing and working. He could hardly stand and probably didn't appreciate it when I told him it was lame to stay home on the LAST day of the fair! But he humored me anyway.

So we went. Because for the first time in 11 months and 7 days, I was the one who hadn't had it at the end of the day. 


Nice huh?


So, while it was completely selfish and irresponsible and unnecessary, I'm glad I blew it all off and played all by myself. 

my kids uses a potty

I know you didn't expect to hear more about my child's poop for quite a while, but our half-hearted "it might be fun" purchase and use of a baby potty have lead to multiple successes. Per day. Yes, that's right. My kid poops in the potty daily, (for 2 whole days in a row!) and pees in it 2-3 times per day. 

I'm making no effort to catch him every time. I just make him sit on the potty when he wakes up and I read him a story. If he pees or poops, great. If not, we just had story time. No big deal. 

I figure that at least this way he isn't scared of it when it comes time. So we'll work on the "only here" aspect of potty training later, but for now he's got the "it's OK here" aspect of it down pat. He pees nearly every time we put him on it.

So, hooray for Tommy!

the man child goes to the city

Yesterday I decided that instead of eating lunch in my living room, Tommy and I were going to have lunch with Aundrea so I could get my fix of downtown and Aundrea.

I intentionally parked far away although technically there isn't really anywhere close to park either. Mostly because walking through downtown is therapeutic for me.

And after a lovely lunch in the cafeteria (and saying hi to people I miss there) I wandered temple square and downtown. We went to Deseret Book in its new and (probably) improved place which smells so good. Like books. And new. And only a tiny bit like downtown.

We played on the lawn of the Admin building and Tommy tried to eat the flowers but stopped when I asked him nicely to "knock it off".

We wandered through the avenues for a bit remember all the million walks downtown we used to take. Oh wait. That was just me. Tommy sat there wondering why we were still wandering.

Sometimes you just need your fix of "the good ol' days".

It was one of those days.

Did you know?

Did you know that it takes exactly 3 minutes to drive from my house to the church? I know because I timed it on one of my 6 trips there today. Sad and pathetic that I DROVE there so many times today? Yes.

Did you know that the average person uses 57 sheets of toilet paper per day? That sounds excessive to me....

Did you know that roughly 40% of people answer their phone when it rings? (Based on my very scientific study where I had to call a bunch of people and left a lotta messages......VERY scientific.) I think it's because people give their phone numbers to people just for the free stuff. i.e. Josh at the Living Scriptures presentation.

Did you know that even though Josh and I searched diligently at the Utah State Fair for "best mullet" neither of us even came up with a candidate? What is wrong with people in this state? The authorities provided the environment (including deep-fried-chocolate-covered-bacon) and we simply failed to rise to the challenge.

Did you know that I am 25 and for the first time in my life went to the movies all alone yesterday? It was just one part of my impromptu mental health day. And there I sat in a nearly empty theater bawling my eyes out over a Jenifer Aniston movie guzzling the biggest Dr. Pepper I've ever had in my life.

Did you know that I bought a teeny tiny potty for my baby this week? He pees in it daily. For real. Here's a half-hearted attempt at Elimination Communication.

Did you know that there are a million people out there more busy and less whiny than me? Yeah, I already knew you did, but I need to remind myself sometimes.

Did you know that we've lived in our current house longer (by far) than any other place? For me it's the longest I've lived anywhere since my parent's house. I'm started to get stir crazy, but here we'll be for a while.

I wear headphones to the grocery store

Because of Crazy Eyes.

Josh and I went shopping together a few weeks ago and Crazy Eyes wouldn't leave us alone.

He put his fingers (with dirty nails) on my baby's legs. He removed his coke-bottle glasses to get a better look at the "two teeth!" on bottom. He bent down to pull up his sock (too much space between the bottom of his denim shorts and the top of his socks I suppose) and he said "boo" on his way back up. Tommy cried. Because sometimes peek-a-boo is scary.

Of course we crossed paths over and over through this trip because always happens to me. Maybe I do the store backwards and that's why I cross paths with the same person every time I go to the store? Which way do you go? Is it just me? Each time he'd stop and tell us a story about "back when mine were still young". His 8 and 10 year old kids were with him and I'm still not entirely sure which one was the girl and which was the boy.

As he sucked his spit through his teeth from the corner of his mouth he told us about the time that "this little genius" pointing to the older of the two kids "taught the runt how to spread jelly on the floor". We laughed at the right times and smiled our friendliest smiles. Then told him we hoped he had a nice day and tried to get on our way.

But that was just the beginning. At the next crossing he also had to tell us about how when there are two of them they use each other to crawl up higher than they otherwise could. The next it was about how he is currently in school and how rough it is for him not to see his kids that often. He seemed determined to let us know that our lives are easy and that it wouldn't stay that way. We are in for it.

Message received Crazy Eyes. Now just pick up the chicken and move on.

Crazy Eyes is the reason for my new "always take iPod grocery shopping" policy.

2 days ago I was at Costco shopping with my headphones in so people would leave me alone, which worked like a charm. We had exactly zero encounters with ultra-friendly people and made our way to the checkout line. I'm sounding a bit anti-social and mean....I'm not always anti-social and mean. But sometimes I'm grocery shopping because my life is such a mess that I can't figure out how to do anything else. Plus, I don't like strangers. 

When it was my turn at the checkout line, Douglas mouthed "hello" at me while he scanned my card.  I couldn't figure out if he couldn't talk, or was just quiet and I missed the part of talking that made sound. I replied with my own vocal "hi". Douglas then turned to the boxer-upper guy and proceeded to carry on a conversation (he COULD talk!) about how it's illegal to wear earphones while you're driving. I thought it was odd that I didn't even get a "how are you this afternoon?" out of him but I was certainly not heartbroken.

That's when I realized I had left my headphones in and although I wasn't listening to anything, he thought I was. At least there was a reason he didn't talk to me.

So, Dear Douglas, you have no creepy eyes, you don't wear sock and velcro sandals, your fingernails appeared to be squeaky clean, and I seriously doubt you are a spit-sucker. I would have had no problem chatting with you while you checked me out - not like that..... I'm sorry for my rude behavior. I'll make a concerted effort to remove the headphones when appropriate, and I promise not to break the law about headphones while driving anymore. So.... "fine thanks, how are you?"

2 ships passing in the night

My parents used to say they were like "2 ships passing in the night" and I thought it meant neither of them slept very well, which was probably true. But I think what they actually meant was that they were so busy they didn't even see each other as one was coming and one was going. You know....like 2 ships.....passing in the night. Which was probably also true.

Last night we were the "didn't sleep very well" version.

It seemed like it was at least a hundred degrees in our house, I have the beginnings of a cold and can't seem to breath, my arms kept falling asleep (which wakes me up), the couch wasn't comfortable, the pillow wasn't comfortable, the love sac turned into a rock around 2am and I simply couldn't wait for morning to come so I could just wake up and stop fighting it.

Josh was up all night too. We both heard Tommy stir 4 or 5 times but never stay awake. It was just a restless sort of night I suppose. Something about the moon perhaps.

My mom has a picture on her bedroom wall of a mother holding her young child looking out the window during what I assume is a day/night transition.

What do you think is happening? Is the night beginning or ending? What's she thinking?

Today I think it's sunrise, and the mother has been awake all night and simply can't wait for the sun to come up and give her permission to be awake. So she's waiting for the first sign of day.

Someone else told me they thought it was sunset and she was watching the sun set on another peaceful day counting her blessings.

Either way she clearly belongs in bed.

A tour of my iTunes

I think you can learn a lot about a person by scanning their music collection.

Unless of course we're talking about me. Then you'll learn nothing.

Because if you put the iTunes on shuffle and just let it play through all of the music, only 1 in every 10 songs is "regular music". The other 9 are talks, books on CD or Religious songs.

I suppose that does tell you some things about me: 1) I'm married to a man who doesn't read but I desperately wish he did, so we compromise and I force him to listen instead. 2) We're Mormon. And we listen to nothing but church music on Sundays. And for 2 whole years Josh listened to nothing but church music every day. So we have a lotta church music. A really lotta church music.

Of the "regular music" songs, 80% are Christmas songs. I suppose that also tells you something about me. I don't stop listening to Christmas music. Ever. Because I like it. I also don't stop listening to "normal" music. Not even on Christmas Eve.

But the point is that there is a lot of really great music I wish I owned that I don't. I'm simply too cheap to pay for the privilege of listening to music. So I listen to the radio (I know...I'm the ONLY one) and I build free playlists online to keep me company when "Oh Holy Night" refuses to stop coming up in iTunes.

So 1) I'm cheap. 2) my husband doesn't read 3) we're Mormon. That's what you learn from my iTunes.

Wanna know what I thought you'd learn?

1) I grew up during the "let's make a mix because it's fun" era. None of my music comes from the actual album, but from albums with titles like "20 Songs Guaranteed to Make you Cry" (by Jamie & Amy), or "That Mix We Made on Halloween" (by Olie and Amy) or "I Love you You're Perfect, Now Change!" (by Stick and Amy) and a re-discovered favorite "Take It Down a Notch" (by and from Heather).

2) I own music like "Summer Girls" LFO. It's to prove that I was cool one time. I wans't, but I'm on a quest to prove that I was.

3) I like it all. Mostly. I'm a little bit proud (not in the "I'm going to hell" way but in the "not bad...not bad..." way) of the randomness of the music collection. We have the Lion King, Guster, Anne Murray, Garth Brooks, Peter Paul & Mary, 98 Degrees, Mo Tab, Cake, Weird Al, Frank Sinatra, Jack Johnson and of course Glee Cast on our most frequently played list. It's all good.

What's in your music collection?

I miss my mom

This started as a post about how much I'm learning to like people. But it turned into an "I like my mom" post instead. I'll save the "I like people" post for another day.

I ironed before church in the morning and had a moment of contentedness with my life as I lined up my boys' crisp white shirts on the doorway. The teeny tiny baby white shirt makes me smile because it has a onesie style bottom and nothing that has a onesie style bottom can make you frown. The great big giant man white shirt makes me smile because it means I'm not really alone. Even when I feel like I am. There is a great big giant man wandering around this house sometimes and while he spends much more time away than here, he still lives here.

And I stood there listening to the Tabernacle Choir, ironing Sunday clothes and feeling like my mom would be proud of me for just that teeny tiny moment in time. (Probably not so much over the rest of the hectic morning, but for that moment, she would've been proud.)

Which of course launched me into a brand of homesickness that a girl can ONLY feel for her mother.

My mom is coming home today,  and I've missed her terribly. She's been away for 3 weeks paying attention to the other children she loves so much.

I wouldn't have thought I'd miss her so much but I do. I don't see my mom that often, she lives far away (an hour's drive) and I'm lazy. So not seeing her for 3 weeks is not abnormal by any stretch of the imagination.

But there's just something about knowing that she's far far away (in Washington) and even if I wanted to, I couldn't just go her library knowing that she'd take a break and read my baby stories because not only is she the greatest Librarian, she's the greatest Grandma.

There's something about knowing that she's already got her hands full of adoring grandchildren and she has no more knees available for her favorite, (ha ha) my little one. There's something about knowing I could leave her a message on her phone and she wouldn't respond for 3 whole weeks. It breaks my heart to have her gone. There's just a weird loneliness that comes from knowing she's already occupied.

That's how I know I'm glad we still live in Utah, no matter how much I claim to want to live somewhere else.

What to do with my Monday morning.

I got up and ran this morning. That was great. I came home showered, cleaned, did the dishes, read scriptures, did my hair played with Bubbah and caught up on my e-mails.

Bubbah is now napping, I'll probably miss play group because he'll still be asleep which is unfortunate but acceptable.

Still on the to-do list for the day: meal planning (yes I know it's the middle of the month, but I've still been eating last month's dinners until this weekend. Now we're going to starve. What are you having for dinner this month?), grocery shopping, working, walking or biking, napping, reading Uglies because someone else has it on hold and I only have 2 days to finish.

So, while Bubbah naps I'm having a hard time deciding which of all these things I need to do first. But really I'm just trying to avoid doing any of them hoping that I can crawl under a blanket and nap instead. After all, it's already 9am and it's been nearly 12 hours since the last time I went to bed.....

Did you know?

Did you know that this week was a tiny bit crazy busy? Last night was the first time we were both home before 9pm all week. So we celebrated with a barbecue and games.

Did you know that I finished Mockingjay last week? (Maybe it was 2 weeks ago?) I liked it even though..... Well there are plenty of things not to love about it, but I couldn't put it down and liked it anyway. Now I've started the Uglies series. So far, I'm interested.

Did you know that planning a party for a 1 year old is kindof a good time? At least the looking around and finding stuff that's cute phase of it. When it comes to the actual doing stuff part, not so much I'm sure.

Did you know that Josh is having dinner at his mom's with his whole family while I do church stuff? Totally bites. I tried to trick him into staying home and anxiously awaiting my arrival while chillin' with Bubbah....turns out he's smart enough to realize that if he takes Bubbah to Grandma's house he'll get to hang out, talk, have a real meal, play games, and probably even get to take a nap. Meanwhile I'll be sitting at home anxiously awaiting HIS arrival. *sigh* I want my hubby back.

Did you know that although I've been a legal adult for 8 years (whoa....I'm old!) I still can't walk in heels? I even googled it. There are A LOT of you tube videos showing how normal people walk in heels. And they say stupid things like "relax your hips and knees". Today I'm going to practice more, but the bottom line is that I'm too stupid to be an adult.

Did you know that I was in my 2nd year of college before I every purchased a pink article of clothing? True (and tragic) story.

Did you know that Tommy is now attached to a psycho screaming monkey? I don't let him sleep with it because if you push it's nose it screeches and screams and makes creepy monkey sounds and I don't think any of us need to wake up to that in the middle of the night. The other morning when I went to get Tommy out of bed he had pulled Crazy Monkey off the shelf near his bed and squished poor monkey's face between the slats of the crib. He was mostly hanged in the crib slats. Poor crazy monkey.

Did you know that there are people "out there" who run 40K races? Poor crazy runners.

Did you know that a snail can sleep up to 3 years? Sounds nice eh? If I were a snail, by the time I realized I was still alive Josh would be done with school!

11 months

My non-baby child has surprised me every month with the things he learns and loves. Just when I think I have him figured out, it all changes.

Here's what we know for sure.

He has 2 teeth on bottom. See?

He's very proud of them. And apparently he's willing to deal with just these 2 for the rest of his life. Because getting others makes his face look like this...

So he quits working on the others and lets them stay under the gums where they belong.

One of the best things about this child is that he eats anything anytime. He's not picky. He's not grouchy. He just eats what he's given and enjoys it.

But then his tray is empty and he rips it off the high chair and bangs on it until I find something else for him to eat. He gets incredibly offended when people eat in front of him, which means he eats anything we eat. In slightly smaller bites of course. He really likes eating off a real fork, but hasn't quite figured out how to use one himself yet.

He crawls like a crazy man and pulls himself up on any furniture, toys, or spare body parts he can get his hands on.

But he doesn't walk. Or even stand by himself. He walks while holding my fingers but if I let go of either of his hands he is immediately paralyzed.

However, he's big on the monkey walk which is current preferred method of transport. Probably because it makes it so easy to check what's behind you. That whole turning around this is much more difficult than this.

This child loves Peek-A-Boo. But he REALLY loves Ultimate Peek-A-Boo. Which is clearly much better. Ultimate Peek-A-Boo requires the peeker to be completely hidden behind something. Usually down on hands and knees. Then the peeker crawls around the furniture chasing after him while he shrieks and giggles until he can't breathe looking over his shoulder every few minutes to make sure the peeker is still playing. It's way way better than regular old Peek-A-Boo.

His favorite past time lately would definitely have to be booking. Not reading so much as booking. Which involves removing every book from the shelf then crawling all over the pile of them a la Rich Uncle from Duck Tales.

See the resemblance? Of course sometimes he gets to work and really studies these books.

Someone taught him how to read upside-down which will probably come in handy when he's in school and turns around to read off the desk behind him.

He's just learning how to play by himself with toys, which makes my life 25 times easier. But he still prefers company in all playing experiences.

He still takes 2-3 naps every day and sleeps through the night, except when his exceptionally fantastic mother leaves the windows open and he's kicked off his blankets. Then he gets cold and wakes up crying with blue lips. Go mom!

Also he's getting hid daddy's toe-headed genes. His white-blonde hair sorta melts my heart. This is where I'd insert a picture of Josh at this age, but his pictures are in Tommy's room and I'm not about to wake the babe. Maybe later.

As of last week Tommy hates lying on his back. Ever. For any reason. This means he sleeps butt-up on his tummy, he prefers to have his diaper changed while he's crawling around in circles, and he bathes only his ankles while trying to climb out of the tub. Fortunately he still loves food enough to lay down for half a bottle at a time.

The past 11 months have brought a lot of changes, but the best one is that I get to see this smiling face every day.

The phone

If there was an invention I could surely do without, it would be the phone. I hate it. Always. Hate. It.

That's why I never answer. It's not you. It's me.--- No that's not true either. It's not me. It's the phone.

I hate not knowing what's coming, is it a 2 hour conversation or a 2 minute message?
Is it someone I love or someone I do business with?
Is it good news or bad? It seems that the bad news has only ever come from Josh... (i.e. "my boss just told me that me working there isn't going to work out" or "Meleta just called and said Ron died." or "Tommy just puked his guts out on the only nice blanket we own.....is it waterproof?") maybe I should change my policy from "always answer when Josh calls" to "never answer when Josh calls".
Can they tell I just made that face when I said that thing? Would it be good if they could tell?
Why don't they respond when I nod at all the appropriate times or shrug?
Should I be sitting down or start the dishes now? And just how loud is too loud for a phone call? Clearly vacuuming is out of the question, but what about something slightly more reverent like....watching Friends re-runs?
You'd think someone who talks so much and has had 6 different "answer the phone" jobs wouldn't be such a phone-phobic but I am.

Unfortunately sometimes for work I have to call people.

And sometimes for church I have to call people (usually a lot of people in a very short time).

And so my day so far has looked like this:

So when I had the opportunity to take something to a neighbor, I jumped all over it, dropped by her house unannounced and wasted at least 20 minutes of her life talking at her in her doorway because it just felt so nice to respond to her face and for her to respond to mine. Plus it's always nice to talk to Linda (hi Linda!) because she's flat out nice.

So, if your doorbell rings, answer it anyway. It's probably just me avoiding the phone. Unless of course you hate the door. In that case, I understand.

Anti-sheepdogging.

On Thursday Josh called me and asked if we had plans he didn't know about for the Holiday weekend.

Given that my version of "making plans" these days has more to do with napping and eating than.....well anything else, he would've been safe betting that my answer was a slightly hysterical "You actually think I'm going to initiate either one of us getting off the couch this weekend? Good try babe, but you'll have to drag me kicking and screaming from my very comfy couch."

But Josh is a Mormon, so he doesn't bet.
Also he's a good husband so he pretends I'm still fun even though I'm not.

I (very hesitantly) told him we had no plans, and asked what he was thinking.

**********RRRRCCCHHHHH********** (that's the sound of a tape rewinding....how do you spell that sound?)

Just kidding, that was last year when we went to the International Sheepdog Festival - which was fun. But certainly not an annual event. 

This year we really did have plans (hey! check that out, I'm fun again!) to go for a hike up Adams canyon with the Medinas. 

And then we made plans to celebrate Meleta's 50th birthday with a surprise lunch party.

And then we made plans for Josh to give somebody a massage in the morning before the lunch party. 

And since the rest of the day was sortof busy anyway, I made plans to go running like normal in the morning. 

And since I was going running, Josh checked on work.

Which is why he worked for 3.5 hours before coming back to get us at 10. 

Which is why after the massage, the birthday lunch, and one more hour of work he was so tired. 

Which is why we didn't hike. 

Instead we opted for a short bike ride and homemade ice cream with the Medinas and Jensens. And since we were already sitting in the same room, we thought we may as well play a few games. 

No sheep. No dogs. No sheepdogs. No sunburns.

What a lovely Labor Day. 

While we waited for the birthday girl to get to the lunch party, Tommy helped blow up balloons.

Josh was in the charge of the cake. 

Which made its mark.

And we came home and got ready to go on the bike ride with the Medinas which was (as always) lovely.

Maybe Josh is a crazy driver. 

But it's all good. We're still happy.

How much do I love Josh?

Enough to not call it quits even when it's hard.

Enough to iron his white shirt for church.

Enough to tell him someday he can buy a great big man toy. Something that involves a personal motor.

Enough to fold his clean underwear.

Enough to quiz him about nursing facts that make me queasy.

Enough to kiss him at the grocery store.

Enough to buy free stuff just because it's free, not because we need it. (The man loves nothing as much as free stuff.....well....maybe me.)

Enough to celebrate with him when he loses more weight than I do.

Enough to appreciate him putting the dishes away.

Enough to cook red meat just because it's Sunday.

Enough to teach his offspring things like "oh no! my patella!".

Enough to not tease him for being totally into Twilight.

Enough to stop blogging and rescue the sad sad baby boy from the crib even though he's sleeping right through his turn.


See how happy we are?

Did you know?

Did you know that windows after dark freak me out so bad that I refuse to get close enough to them to close the blinds? True story. yes, I know I'm a chicken, but I just know that if I get close enough I'll see something I don't wanna see.

Did you know that it's already 8:15am and I haven't showered OR gone to a meeting yet today? Weird.

Did you know that every time I sit down to eat, Tommy crawls over to me, stands up on my knees and begs for food? By "begs for food" I mean slaps my knees over and over with his mouth open while making "uh uh uh!" sounds. Of all the people I've shared meals with, he's my 2nd favorite.

Did you know that I forced Josh to let me buy Dr. Pepper last night? We don't drink carbonation around here because Josh's guts would explode if he did, and it's not good for you so since he doesn't I don't either. Until my head is pounding and I've had more than one "hangover" morning in the week. And my guts are trying to crawl out of my insides. Then I buy a 12 pack and drink 3 cans before bed.

Did you know that a can of Spam is opened every 4 seconds? I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten Spam or seen other people eat Spam. So I just wanna know, who is it that's opening all these cans? Is it you?

Did you know that Tommy giggles at me when I make the elephant sound? Josh does ALL of the other animal sounds, but only I do the elephant sound. And not at church.

Did you know that Tommy still spits and pukes? Not anything like it was, but he still does it. And now that he's fully mobile, it doesn't just stay on the blanket he was playing on. It's a bigger badder deal.

Did you know that for the first time ever in my life I'm terrified for winter to start? I love the snow and gray and cold and normally this where I can't wait for the flakes to fly. This year? I'll suddenly be housebound and what if Tommy doesn't like to be cold? And what if there is snow on the ground more often than not? And what if "They" don't plow my walking trail? What then?

Did you know that somehow Josh is managing his work/school schedule? I wouldn't have guessed it, but it looks like he'll be able to do it all (as usual).

Did you know that I still pray for "everybody struggling with infertility" on a regular basis? Because it still breaks my heart.

The good news

The good news is that Josh still has a job.

The other good news is that when we thought he didn't we came up with quite a few solutions to survive if he didn't.Not even one of them included living in a van down by the river.

The pending good news is that the Putrid Feds might give us some money to pay for school. We applied, they said "no thanks, you're rich" and we replied with a "nuh uh!" statement and while we thought they replied with "no thanks" again, they didn't. So we're still waiting for another response from them. "I'm not sure yet" is better than "no" in this case.

The other pending good news is that our loan modification might save us a bundle of money.

The certain good news is that we've paid our tithing. And that means it will all be OK. No matter what that looks like.

The best good news is that we are all here and all happy.

Waterfall Canyon

Remember when it was the 4th of July and we went on a hike?

Well, here are the pictures I never posted.

Our "60 Hikes Within 60 Miles of Salt Lake City" book made the "moderate" hike up Ogden Canyon to Waterfall Canyon sound irresistible. So we set out in the hottest part of the day. We thought that would be best.

In the middle of the day, the first half-mile of this hike is brutal. Dirt, rocks, SUN. Not beautiful or lovely.
But the book promised it was worth it, so we kept going anyway.

Tommy of course had no problem with the hike. His part was easy.

Eventually we found the stream and some shade, which meant the hike was much more pleasant.

See? These are pleasant Medinas.

For some unknown reason Josh feels the need to poooosh people in rivers. 

Even if they're wearing babies.

And for some unknown reason I feel the need to poosh the poooshers in rivers too. 

Even if they're wearing babies.

Flashback: One time I was on a date in high school with one of the coolest kids I knew (hi Blair!) and a big group of equally cool people. We hiked to a little waterfall in Pleasant Grove and I (like an impossibly obnoxious child) insisted on getting in the water. Fully clothed. I tried desperately to start a water fight. Only my date was insane enough to humor me and the two of us were completely soaked and everyone else was completely reasonably rationally cute and nice and normal. I was trying to be that "cool girl who doesn't mind getting dirty or wet" but instead I was "that obnoxious girl who wrecked the party". Fortunately Blair was kind enough not to shun me and the date continued. But it was not the cool thing to do, and I should have apologized. Sorry Blair.

We crossed over the river a couple of times, which was easily the easiest part of the hike. Because it was the only part that didn't require an uphill battle.

Crossing the river aka resting. Yes I know it's not a real river. Don't mock me. 

The trail was pretty well beaten, but it was steep and we were all breathing hard and sweating by the time we reached the top. 

But the book promised that once we saw the falls we would forget about the difficulty of the hike. Which is pretty much true.

When you get to this point you're so glad because it is positively stunning. But you also can't imagine why a sane human being would leave the shade of the trees with the beautiful view to hike up a little farther to stand at the base of the falls which is in full view of the sun. 

But you do it anyway. Because the book said......

And the book was right. Sitting here is nature's air conditioning. 

So we hung around relaxing and enjoying the cool and calm.

The dads played with the babes.

And we headed back down entirely satisfied with our hike.

Stopping just once on the way down for a hydration break.

It really was a beautiful hike. I highly recommend it.